Sincerely, Me

1 March 2017

Hey You,

Today it officially hit me. I've been writing you stupid letters for over a month. I'm starting to wonder if I ever were to tell you they exist if they'd mean anything to you. Probably not, knowing you.

I went to church for the first time in a while tonight. It felt nice, and it was different. I think part of me missed it, but I don't know if I want to go back to a full on church life yet. I thought about asking to start church hopping again, but I don't think mom is ready to do that again.

I saw you a lot in the hallways today, and you smiled at me constantly, so I thought everything was okay. Well, until right before the sixth hour. I was walking down the hallway, three feet of space on either side of me, and you were walking towards me. I thought it was going to be okay.

I was wrong. I felt like I had ninety swords in the stomach when you barely avoided me, turning to the side so you wouldn't touch me. I was seething with anger, and I probably would've gotten upset with you right then and there but I have more standards than I let on.

I wish I could've worked up the nerve to say something. I didn't. I couldn't. Do you know what it's like to have everyone expecting they know what you're thinking, what your next move will be? Of course not, you never will because you are a perfect child to everyone.

Then there's me, the mess up. I seriously messed up today and was almost late to track practice. I was running down the hallways, and your dad saw. He laughed and encouraged me to run faster. This hit me harder, someone who had never spoken a word to me was encouraging me more than someone who'd spoken thousands of words.

I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. I know I say this a lot, and I always do the same thing. Nothing. What can I do? I'm too scared to fail in front of you, I'm too scared to do something stupid, I'm too scared that your opinion of me will change, I'm too scared that my life will all of a sudden change. I'm too scared. 

Maybe I sound like I'm bellyaching but trust me, I'm not. If you could actually possibly know how I feel, then you'd completely understand me. I'm not someone who can't handle the pain, I totally can, but I'm too scared of losing everything and everyone I love because of something I did to try to change it all.

Sincerely, Me.

P.S. 10 more days.