Fall Again

Chapter 64

Chapter 64

My tears keep rolling down my cheeks. I don't know how long I've been crying, but no tears or meds can erase the pain in my chest.

Questions keep rushing through my brain. Asking myself what I've done wrong to deserve this. Blaming myself because I wasn't able to protect my child. I could've done something. I could've fought back. I could've stopped her and told her that I was pregnant. Then maybe, just maybe, she stopped hurting me and didn't lost my baby.

I want to hurt myself because I wasn't able to protect my baby. I want to lash out. I want to scream and take this anger out of my chest because it's drowning me. Slowly drowning me.

I've never felt agony until now. The agony of losing a child in my womb and I will grieve the death of my child forever.

Kayang-kaya kong punasan ang mga luha sa mata ko, pero kahit kailanman hinding-hindi ko mapapalis ang sakit dito sa puso ko.

Kung dati, iiyak ko lang 'yong sakit na nararamdman ko magiging maayos na ako, pero ngayon hindi ko alam kung may bagay pa ba na makakapagpagaan ng kalooban ko.

"I always believed that our baby was a boy" I whispered

I felt a drop fell in my shoulder "Me too" he whispered

I turned around. He rubbed his face with his palm. I caressed his cheeks. We're both hurting. We're both grieving. It's just him and me now.

"I don't know what to do, Dylan" I croaked "I don't know how to accept this"

He pulled me for a hug and kissed the top of my head "We'll get through this. I will never leave your side. You have me, remember that, okay?  If you want to take out your anger, take it out on me. If you want to vent, I'm here to listen"

Mas lalo lang akong napaiyak dahil sa sinabi niya. I know he's hurting as much as I am and I can't even say something to comfort him.

I want to... I want to apologize to him over and over until the pain is gone, but is it? Is it possible to recover from our loss? Maybe, maybe one day. One day we will all move on. We'll be happy again, but the wound will remain in my heart. It will leave a scar. The evidence of my love for the child I lost.

"Hi, gising ka na pala" marahang bati ni Denisse sa akin

I looked around "Where's Dylan?"

"May binili lang. Do you need or want something?"

Umiling ako "Wala"

"Okay. Sabihin mo lang kung may kailangan ka"

"Thank you, Denisse" my voice cracked

I can feel it again. The hollow feeling in my heart. Parang may kulang sa akin. I want to be numb and stop feeling the sadness in my heart.

I don't know how long I can hold this heartache. I just want to sleep again so I could just forget about everything.

"If you want to talk, I'm here. I'm willing to listen" she forced a smile, her eyes glistening

Umiling ako pinalis ang aking luha "I'm sorry" I whispered

She sat on the chair next to my bed "Its not your fault. Horrible things happen every day and don't let this destroy you"

I closed my eyes. Hindi niya ako naiintindihan at hindi niya ako maiintindihan dahil hindi naman sa kanya nangyari ito. Hindi siya ang nawalan ng anak. Hindi niya naiintindihan ang sakit na unti-unting dumudurog sa akin.

"I'm not going to tell you to forget what happened and just move on. I'm not going to tell you that you can have another baby anyway so just forget about your unborn child. I'm not going to tell you those things because even though the baby you lost was an unborn child, I know you already loved the baby. Like what they said there's a bond, connection, and love between the mother and the unborn child. That's why when a mother suffer from miscarriage, they don't easily move on. They go through a difficult phase before they heal." She gave my hand a squeeze "Please don't put a wall against us. We are family now. Let us help you. I know you're hurting. You're probably thinking that I don't understand, but I do. I'm hurting too. I was so excited. I thought about spoiling her chubby cheeks. How I want to give her everything she'll ask me. Ana, the baby is already with God and the baby is your angel now. She'll look after you and Dylan and us."