Fall Again

Chapter 65

Chapter 65 (part 1)

I jolted awake when I heard a loud piercing cry. It was coming from the other room. Bumangon ako at sinundan ang iyak ng bata. Hanggang sa dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa nursery room.

It was dark and I can still hear the baby's cry. I'm not sure if he was in pain or what. The only thing I want right now is to attend him. Make him stop from crying because the sound of his loud cry is squeezing my heart.

Pumunta ako sa bassinet, pero wala doon. Sunod kong sinilip ang kama pagkatapos ay ang crib. Then there it hit me. It suddenly sink into my consciousness that this is just another dream.

Ang tanging nasa crib lang ay ang onesies at mittens na dapat ay para sa magiging baby namin ni Dylan. Kinuha ko iyon at niyakap. Napaluhod ako sa harapan ng crib at doon hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luhang gustong kumawala sa aking mga mata.

It's been a week since we came home from the hospital. It's been a week since I lost my baby. I always dreamed of him every night. I dreamed of him crying, smiling, and sometimes I see his small chubby legs kicking.

I want those dreams to be real. I want to carry him in my arms and not just in my heart. I want to hold him, kiss him, I want to be with him.

Why is it so unfair?! Bakit ako? Bakit ako na mahal na mahal ko ang anak ko, nawala siya sa akin? Samantalang may mga iba diyan na halos bugbugin ang mga anak nila araw-araw, sila pa 'yong nagkaroon ng anak?

Is this how fucked up the universe? I fucking need a reason why is the universe so screwed up. I want to know why do I have to lost the baby I tried so hard to protect. I want to know... I want to know why do I have to go through this?

The dark room suddenly filled with light. I felt someone's presence behind me.

"Hey" he said softly and wrapped his arms around me

I closed my eyes tightly. For some reason, I felt so safe. I felt relieve that he is here with me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" I sobbed "Please forgive me"

He nipped my chin with his fingers and lifted my face so I could meet his eyes "How many times do I have to tell you that it's not your fault"

"Then whose fault it is?" My voice filled with pain "I need someone to blame. I need reasons why this happened to us? Why did we have to lose our baby?"

"I don't know, but-"

"Other women didn't want to have babies, but they have had babies. I want my baby and I lost him. So why me?! What the hell is wrong? What the hell is wrong with the universe? Why is it so screwed up?"

"Things don't always go according to our plan. I don't have a reason why the universe is the way it is. Why is it so screwed up. But the only thing I can say is that, we shouldn't let horrible events fuck us up. I know you're hurting, but don't let yourself drown from all the pain." He pressed a kiss on my temple "I'm here. I will help you. I will never ever leave you. Don't forget how much I love you"

Matagal kaming magkayakap at walang nagsasalita. Hindi namin kailangan magsalita para damayan ang isa't-isa, basta nasa ganito kaming posisyon at magkayakap ayos na sa amin iyon. Kahit na sa ganitong paraan lang napapakalma niya ako.

Maya-maya ay binuhat na niya ako at nagsimula siyang maglakad pabalik sa kwarto niya. Dahan-dahan niya akong pinahiga sa kama at inayos ang kumot pagkatapos ay humiga na din siya sa tabi ko.

"I'm sorry if I'm like this. I'm sorry if I'm giving you a hard time. I'm sorry-"

Hindi ko na natapos ang sasabihin ko dahil bigla na lang niya akong siniil ng halik.