💔Heartbreak 💔

Doomed

I know it's going to happen soon as I begin to feel the shakes. I know what it's about too. I don't want this to happen as the night ahead turns rough with a dark tunnel and no lights to find the end. It will end in tears and a lot of them.

It's about my weight. I'm not at all fat, infant if anything I'm too skinny. I need to gain weight. But I can't and won't. I breathe in and can see my ribcage outline. I don't like it.

I always sit with my legs up. Otherwise my leg fat just sits there and I feel like everyone is staring at them and judging me. That's no different though.

I just want someone to hold me and hug me through this and tell me it's ok and be here for when I have these moments in my life. But the truth is no one is here for me to hold me and say that at the same time.

I don't know how to solve my problem I have. I want to keep loosing weight. Except I k ow it will end bad. What else could go wrong. I'm skinny enough and need to eat but I won't eat more food. I'll eat then want to go for a run. Just not for fun, but to convince my mind that I need to get rid of the weight. I want to workout so I'm skinny as the stick in my mind. So people might actually like me. So there won't be little rolls if fat on my stomach. So I can wear nice things that show my stomach.

By the time I post this about an hour later I'll probably be shaking and crying my eyes out with the thoughts probably talking about how I should starve myself. I mean is there a reason not to?