💔Heartbreak 💔

Downhill

Nights are the worst. They used to be the best part as a kid knowing that when you woke up it was the start of a brand new day. A new day to explore or go play at the park. Whatever it was the nights were filled with happiness and excitement to wake up in the morning and be refreshed. Now I hate the nights. It's always dark and I'm left alone in the world. No one to talk to and no one to come and safe me from misery.

I hate knowing what's going to happen as soon as I go to bed. When it's been a busy or stressful day for my mind I'll know what to expect when I go to bed. When ive disappointed someone I know what will happen when I go to bed.

The truth is I get scared. I begin to panic before it all happens. Most nights I have thoughts in my head. Bad ones. Ones telling me I'm Shit or not good enough for this world. I just want to die some nights. I have planned out my suicide some nights. But I've never done it. The reason is I'm too scared. If I survive I'll be known as a attention seeker but if I die oh how peaceful I would be.

I can tell when I'm going to have thoughts now. For some reason before the thoughts come I begin shaking uncontrollably and just stay silent. When the thoughts appear in my head I get weird jabs of pain in my chest area. Maybe I'm just being a princess though. The thoughts make me cry. I'll cry for hours and that's how I go to bed. I won't say goodnight to anyone. I'll just lay there and cry into my pillow until I wake up in the morning with dried up tears into my pillow.

I question my role on earth. Why am I here? Is it to suffer? Or for other people's benefits. What ever it is, I'm so over it. One day the thoughts will take over I know it. I know they will because I'm not strong enough to deal with this. I deal with it at least 2 times a week. A few weeks ago I had 4 bad nights in a row. I couldn't take it. The only reason I'm here is because of words someone had said to me. My internet friend calmed me down. But he can't ever calm me down again as I managed to fuck that up :(

The reasons could go on and on but the majority of you will skip past. But that's ok.

Today just proved my theory to begin with. My theory is:
If I were to die I wouldn't have been noticed gone
I walked out my house today and the door slammed shut behind me as I went for a walk. I came back and sat outside and no one knew I was out there. No one knew I had left. Which proves my theory to be correct. If I were to die, I wouldn't be missed. The o my reason they knew was because someone tagged along for the walk but went back into the house and told them I was outside. It doesn't matter to them. I don't matter to them. In fact, do I matter to anyone?