💔Heartbreak 💔

Done

Ok so I'm meant to be doing my English homework which is all due tomorrow but right now I can't focus on anything, I feel like I know nothing and I can't stop thinking about what happened yesterday because I'm freaked out by it but also really mad that I'm still here and living

So yesterday was such a shit day and I feel so bad about it because I know I hurt my boyfriend not that he's willing to admit it. Anyway I had flexi so I got to leave school at the start of period 4 and just go home. So I went home with my boyfriend as he picked me up and we just chilled for a while when we decided to go watch some tv. But while we watching tv I legit just started to stare blankly at nothing when it all hit me like it usually does. All the thoughts of myself came flooding right back in telling me to go die and asking myself why am I still alive, why are u so lucky to have him as your boyfriend? And all the shit like that. And it made me think why am I even still alive on this earth. My sister yells at me everyday I'm always fuxking shit up I'm an actual disappointment and all that. After a bit he asked if I was ok but I told him I was fine and kept staring into space.

A few minutes later I decided to just get up and go to my room and lay under the blankets even tho it was really hot because I felt like it was my only protection, but as soon as I laid down all the tears cane streaming out and that's when my boyfriend walked in and just started hugging me which just made things worse because it made me think why do I even have him as mine I don't even deserve him he could do so much better because he could. He could find a way prettier girl that won't break down all the time and want to die. But anyway I ended up shaking and crying and then started not being able to breathe which was fine by me.

After a bit is finally calmed down but then it began to happen again and all the thoughts came back and I literally just turned my back on my boyfriend and kept crying because I didn't want him to see my like this but it was already to late.

After being like that for a while I ended up taking a nap and waking up really confused. But then a couple of minutes later continued crying but this time I started to make a plan. I planned to run away and kill myself because no one in this family would care.

I had planned to pack a bag as soon as my boyfriend left. I was gonna pack some clothes a blanket and loads of sharp objects with some rope to make sure I didn't come back alive. Because honestly I just wanted to die there and then. I was still bawling my eyes or when he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and his friends as they were bringing their girlfriends but I declined because I was going to kill myself. When I said no I just knew I hurt him a little more because I feel like I always let him down and probably make him feel bad in front of all his friends with their girlfriends and he was just sitting there.

It was then about 5.10 and he needed to go but not before asking a second time if I wanted to come which I declined again. I was still crying as he left and when I opened the door for him to leave I just broke down even more and fell to the floor thinking in my head "this is the last time you'll ever see this boy, the last hug and kiss you'll get" he came to the floor and just held me tightly and tears began to fall out of his eyes as well. He told me to stay strong and things will get better but once he left to go to his car and o shut the door I broke down crying even more and to make it worse I heard his car horn being hit multiple times over and over again.

As soon as he did that it jus trade me feel so bad about myself as I'm the one who caused him those tears and all that pain.

Anyway I ended up just staying in my room and that's is what I wish to do tonight as I don't wanna speak to anyone or see anyone else.

Sorry for the long chapter

I love you all

Stay safe xx