Book of Shiteu the 2nd

Peek into My World #4

I do this willingly, so I actually have no right to complain, but I hate faking 'it.' Currently, things are...tough. 90% of my positivity is forced. At this point, I want to stomp, pull my hair and whine like a little kid--pitch a fit about how unfair it is that I gotta breathe because I love the people who love me. I love them too much.

My mom tells me to express myself. Every time I truly feel like spilling my feelings, no one is there. I mean, sure I could entrust my deep, personal thoughts to some strangers on the internet. I could tell my acquaintances or my not-that-close friends. But it's too personal and I just really don't want to. At the start of this family crisis, I didn't hold my feelings back. I expressed them to somebody, and I wound up deciding that it's better to keep to myself.

Talking to my mom or grandmother is always an option...but the thing is, they're probably just as emotionally raw as I am. I'm hiding it for their and my little sister's sake. Someone has to be the rock in times of crisis, and my name must be Dewayne Johnson. I don't want to talk about it, so right now, I'm doing the next best thing: talking about not talking about it.

My mom tells me it's okay to cry. She says it's healthy to cry, that I need to cry. I'm not dumb. I already know these things. I could cry, but every time I try to cry, the ability to produce tears is gone. My tear ducts end up in a drought. It's when I'd really like to pull an Elsa that I cry. It's only happened twice over this "crisis." Apparently that's not enough, though.

I feel the need to be a rock for my family right now. My grandmother is an absolute wreck and there's literally no hope for her until everything is final and she's had time to heal. My mom...she would be a soft rock if she didn't have such a weak spot for her kids. She's emotionally frazzled, but she can still keep it together somewhat. But man...my sister... It's like everything is finally coming together and it's crushing her. She's only 5.

Tonight she told Mom, "I am so sad that every bone in my body is broken, and my heart." Best believe Mama's weak walls crumbled.

But then there's me saying "Oh gosh that's terrible, my poor baby" with only a tiny pinch of sorrow in my voice just so that I don't sound heartless and/or blank. If I sound like that, it'll make Mama worry more. She doesn't need to do that.

Every day I repeat the same words in my head over and over:

I'm okay.

I don't care that much anymore.

This doesn't bother me.

I already dealt with my feelings.

I don't feel like crying.

My sister needs me to be okay.

Force sincere smiles to make them smile.

Don't stop smiling.

Act like Jimin and Hoseok combined so that no one worries about me.

I'm fine.

Don't cry.

I will not cry.

I refuse to cry.

I have no reason to cry.

I don't want to cry.

I'm not that upset.

Everything will be okay.

Don't worry.

Don't even think about taking more than what the prescription bottle says.

Alcohol would impair your productivity in school. Walk away.

Quit thinking about death.

Positivity is key.

I can't tell anyone.

I'm not hungry.

Get out of the kitchen.

Don't let your sister see you upset.

I can't tell anybody.

I won't be selfish...not really

Keep the mood light.

I don't need a shoulder, I have to be a shoulder.

I'm not the only one with problems.

I can't trust anyone with these thoughts but myself.

Look at the bright side.

Be positive.

I love life.

Today is a wonderful day.

I'm happy.

"Let's always be hopeful."

"One day at a time, the sun gone shine."

I'm good.

School is fun.

Smile~

Lying to myself works out because after repeating these words so many times, I actually believe the things I say and I follow my orders.

The things that usually bring me happiness still make me happy, but it's way too short lived. It never lingers, so I tend to hang onto my sources of happiness for as long as I can. Sometimes my happiness makes me guilty though because the thing I'm clinging to is human. It's selfish for me to do that, but I'm so desperate. I don't even need the other person to be in a good mood. I just want them there, and that's possibly problematic. The positive feelings are good and all, but I almost would rather be unhappy 24/7 because it's so painful when the happiness fades. It hurts when the good feelings end, because when they're gone, the bad feelings hit me. They hit me hard.

The unstable mentality that I'm hiding behind the curtains of semi-professional acting skills are causing me physical pain, too. My face is either hurting or tingling more often than not. My jaw is sore. My chest feels like it's caving in on itself constantly and I'm actually having to make regular use of my rescue inhaler for once (but at least it's not useless anymore). My abdominals hurt. My eyes ache (and it's really weird.) At first, these things bothered me and I complained a lot. Now I'm used to it. I don't care.

It's my fault that I feel this way, though. I put this crushing weight on my own shoulders. I can't rightfully complain. I try not to. And then expressing myself makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty in general these days, but it's okay. The guilt will fade one day and my self conscious will be fine.

I'm not depressed. There's no way I'm depressed. I'm just off my game, right? Right! Which means I'll perk back up soon and be back to normal. All will be A-OK in good time. Until then, I'll play pretend and "be" more than just okay for my family, especially my little sister.

I feel trapped and alone and I'm terrified, but I truly believe that it'll get better. I'm sure of it.