Book of Shiteu the 2nd

"...with my friend"

My best friend is unavailable right now, so I'm just gonna tell Watty about this super duper weird thing that's been going on in more recent days.

I've said this a million times and I'm saying it again for anyone who doesn't already know. I have no tangible friends. Zero. I have no tangible almost-friends. Zilch. I no one that I can go hang out with, not a single person. Every single human being that I socialize with is only accessible through the internet. I'm not exaggerating, or stretching the truth. This is exactly how it is in my life, and I'm okay with it.

The problem comes in when I'm texting someone, ask them what they're up to, and they reply with something like, "I'm  [full in the blank] with my friend." You know, in-person friends. It bothers me...
don't know why though.

[Okay when I say have no friends for the rest of this chapter, I'm omitting (not counting) the online friends I have, so don't get your panties in a wad.]

It's not that I'm friendless by choice, but I don't feel the need to go make a companion. Maybe that is choice...I'm not going to go out of my way just to befriend a random mate. That's unimportant. It's been unimportant for 2+ years.

Maybe I'd want to make a friend if I met a person that I feel has the potential to be my pal. But I'm not looking, thus I'm not finding. You can say that that person will find me, but you'd be wrong because it doesn't change the fact that I'm not looking. I won't see them. Therefore, nobody noticeably suits my fancy, but it's not like I suit anybody else's fancy either. There's plenty of things that would make someone not want to be my buddy.

1. "Hang out" in my language means your house or my house lmao.

2. I don't like going out. I mean, sometimes is fine but... I really don't expect to go on some grand adventure every time I step out the door. I'm not a 24/7 tourist.

3. I don't do bad kid things, and that's an important thing to do in this day in age.

4. It depends on the person, but usually I'm not very talkative unless I have to be.

5. I wind up looking miserable a lot bc (according to my mom) I've trained the muscles in my face to frown when it's relaxed.

6. I don't like to do things if I don't have my mom's permission.

7. I legit have already singled out one human being that is my top non-family priority. That means if I were to make a friend, they'd come second to a person on the internet.

8. I never have anything worth talking about with other people, and when I think I do, I don't.

9. My laugh annoys people.

10. I'm cautious w/ strangers.

11. I'm not one for 4+ groups.

12. I don't know why, but I'm always close. It's not like I'll go out of my way to sit thigh-to-thigh, shoulder-to-shoulder on the couch; or put my arm around you when we're just standing there; or somehow touch arms or hands when we walk; or mindlessly play with your fingers/hold your hand when our hands are close; or lean on you way too often; or touch feet. I'm not making move. I'm not trying to be affectionate. It just happens. Someone pointed this all out to me two years ago, and honestly it's kind of embarrassing.

13. I laugh when I'm nervous, which can be obnoxious.

14. For some God damn reason [pls damn the reason to Hell, I want it gone thanks], my tone of voice tends to be snappy, or not nice sounding. I don't mean for my words to sound harsh, but sometimes it just happens and everyone takes offense. This really sucks btw.

15. I'm generally uninterested in new people.

Just...when my mates (well, there's one exception, Chili) tell me that they are with their tangible friend(s), I feel so incredibly pathetic. When my friends/pals (minus Chili) tell me stories about what them and a mate did, I'm bothered.

It's not jealousy or something of that nature. I'm not breaking the 10th Commandment (Thou shalt not covet). I don't get upset (or any other negative emotion) over it. It doesn't annoy me. It doesn't make me feel inferior.

I don't know what I feel. I just know that it bothers me. There's no other word for it and I can't describe it. It's just there. I'm still perfectly happy tho (no sarcasm intended).

My online friends are enough for me.

whycanttheworldbesmallerdamnit...

BUT THANK GOD FOR LONG-DISTANCE TRANSPORTATION METHODS. I guess this is why the Wright Brothers invented passenger-supporting aircraft :')

...

So after typing all this out and rereading it, I've decided that I really don't care. Like, man I've got it made.

I have a best friend. Yeah, she's online, but that doesn't decrease her significance to me nor her impact on my life. And now I'm gonna meet her irl.

I'm good now. I'm still gonna publish it for the sake of documenting stupid shiteu in my Shiteu.