Bondi Dreams

Selfish Realisations

Jesse

I cant do this, its too soon I cant lose her again. ok ok I know I'm being selfish but Amy is everything to me and she is only just out of the hospital, our job has so many risks and ways she can get hurt.

oh god what have I done, I told her I loved her whilst having some of the best sex of my life (yes I know how cliché announcing my love for this wonderful girl whilst I'm balls deep inside her classy) then I threw a hissy fit and stormed out leaving her naked and crying in my bed. worst boyfriend ever.

I pull up outside Deanos house and pray he is here, I need somebody sensible to talk to right now and Maxi and Harrison just aren't going to cut it.

I drag my feet up the path to the front door knocking softly hanging my head as I await my fate. I hear the door open and a soft voice "Hey Jesse, you okay? we weren't expecting you where we?"

"Um hey Lil, no we didn't arrange anything but er is Deano here I really need to talk to him about something?"

"Yeah he's just putting the kids to bed he'll be down in a sec come on in"

I follow Lilli into the kitchen and take a seat at the counter

"drink?" she asks me gently

"Water would be good thanks Lil"

"Sure no worries, here you go" she puts a bottle of water down in front of me before glancing over my shoulder, she smiles at me sweetly and walks around the counter laying a hand on my shoulder

"Whatever you have done I'm sure she will forgive you"

"What? how did you..." I trail off trying to recall what ive said since I got here that gave away the reason for my visit

"You turn up at 8 in the evening looking like a lost puppy, I filled in the blanks sweetie" with that she patted my shoulder and walked away as her hand was replaced by the weight of Deanos on my other shoulder

"Sup mate, whats going on"

"Ok but Dean I need you to promise you will listen to everything and not judge me"

"Just spit it out Jess" I can sense Dean has an inkling of what is coming next

"I fucked up man, big time"

"I guessed that much so go on what you done"

So I took a deep breath and told Dean the whole story starting from when I brought Amy home from the hospital all the way up to sitting here with him. when I finally finish telling him everything I look up expecting to see a very angry Deano sat in front of me however I'm shocked to discover his eyes are full of sympathy.

"Ok so first things first your an idiot" well duh i know that much
"Thanks captain obvious" I snort
"Just felt like it needed to be said man, now what do you think made you react the way you did to what she said" he holds his hands up defensively
"I already told you our job is so risky she could get really hurt and i cant stand the thought of that"
"Ok but we are all putting our necks on the line every day and we have had multiple female lifeguards over the years, we are all highly trained for this job and you cant treat Amy differently just because shes your girlfriend so try again why did you react that way"

I sit looking at Dean with everything thats happened running through my brain
"She didn't trust me" i finally breathe out
"Ding ding ding we have a winner"

"I've done everything to prove I'm worthy to her and how much i adore her but she went behind my back and arranged coming back with Hop before discussing it with me i was left completely in the dark about a major life decision for her, for us and she didn't trust me enough to even mention she was considering coming back to work before she did it" i could feel my anger rising within me again and i sat with my fists clenched in front of me as i took deep breaths trying to cool myself down

"Jesse, rethink everything you just said and then consider it from Amy's point of view, she hasn't purposely done this to hurt you or anger you she has done this because she feels she is at a point in her recovery where she is ready to return to some form of normality"

"Then why didn't she tell me!" I feel my voice raising with each word until i look at Deans face and remember where i am and the fact he has two small kids asleep upstairs
"Sorry" i mumble with an apologetic smile in Dean and now Lilli who has appeared in the doorways direction

"Um Jess sorry i didn't mean to eavesdrop but well its not a huge house and you have a pretty big mouth but would you like a female opinion?"

"Sure why not, cant make it any worse" i gesture for her to continue

"Well I've only met Amy a few times but from what i know shes a planner, she likes to have everything lined up and organised before she proceeds with anything. She didn't see what she was doing as a way of disrespecting your trust she probably saw it as her getting her ducks in a row so when she told you and asked her the inevitable questions she would have the answers you would need because as i know if she didn't have the answers you would tell her she hadn't thought it through and that she isn't ready to commit to going back without considering everything and you would have shot it down"

I stare at Lilli opened mouthed she has literally hit the nail on the head and i hadn't even realised it. I was being so selfish i had only thought about how this impacts me not what Amy had been going through.

"You need to go home and apologise, grovel if you have to because that girl is incredible and you will never find anybody better so sort it before the rest of us have to get involved!"

"Ok ok i get it I'm going, thanks guys i knew coming here was the right choice"
I shake Deans hand and give Lilli a hug before climbing into my car and heading home
As i drive closer and closer to my apartment i can feel my heart rate spike what if she doesn't accept my apology, what if she decides she has had enough of my issues and ends things? Well only one way to find out.

I climb the stairs and notice all the lights are out huh maybe she fell asleep, i unlock the door and walk in to my darkened apartment with my heart pounding. I note no sign of Amy in the kitchen or living room so i head to the bedroom to see the bed neatly made and still no Amy.

Confused i head back to the living room and spot a piece of paper laying on the dining table, my mouth goes dry please don't let this be what i think it is maybe she just popped to the shops,  oh come on Jesse you cant be that stupid.

I approach the table and pick up the paper and feel my stomach sink as i begin to read

My Jesse,
This isn't a goodbye letter i wouldn't be that cruel however it is a see you soon, tonight broke my heart i didn't realise you thought so little of me to believe i hadn't thought of all situations and i cant be around you right now. As a couple we are supposed to support and champion each other i would do absolutely anything for you, well i mean i wouldn't commit murder so let say id do anything within reason for you. You are my world and i hate that I'm not yours don't look for me when I'm ready i will come to you i just need some time to clear my head and reevaluate where we are i thought we were on the same page turns out we are reading different books.

I love you J always

Amelia xxxx

Shes gone. I screwed up. I lost her.

Now do i respect her wishes and leave her alone or do i rip this city apart looking for her. Oh who am i kidding lets start ripping

A.N - so im not really sure if anyone is reading this anymore but some votes and comments to let me know if you are would be awesome :):)