Why Me? (the gaga diaries)

Fifty-Eight

Chapter 58-diary entry 23

I fell asleep pretty quickly last night, wrapped up tightly in Gaga's arms. But early this morning I was woken up by yet another nightmare, but this one was different. Even in my sleep the idea of them sending me to treatment was haunting me. I felt as if Taylor was trying to get rid of me, as ridiculous as that sounds that's just how I felt. I had this unrealistic fear that he was going to try to take her away from me. My thoughts swarmed around in my head much too long, and I simply couldn't take them anymore. I slipped out from Gaga's grip, careful not to wake her, and tiptoed into the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and pulled out my makeup bag. I sifted through it until I found my brand new, untouched razor. I stared down at the tiny piece of metal in my hand for a long time, unsure of whether I really wanted to do it. I sighed, and sat on the ground. After a few minutes I'd had enough of the battle going on in my brain, and set the blade on my wrist. I took a deep breath as I pressed down, and slid. I felt a sting, and could feel the blood starting to rise. In an instant I felt relief, causing me to do it again, and again. Once I started I couldn't stop. I closed my eyes, knowing five months clean had just gone down the drain, but I had a hard time truly caring. I was just beginning to think I should stop when I heard the door starting to open. I turned my head to look, too scared to really move. I saw gaga standing in the door way, staring down at my arm, her eyes huge. "Amy.." She whispered, stepping towards me. I squeezed the razor tightly in my hand, and scooted away from her. I shook my head and buried my face in my knees. "Why baby.. Why?" She asked, leaning down next to me. She opened my clenched fist, and took away the razor, throwing it in the toilet. She got closer to me again, and lifted my chin. "Please talk to me, why?" I couldn't look at her, I knew I let her down; I also knew I couldn't tell her the real reason. "I don't wanna talk about it." I mumbled. She scooped me up, and set me in her lap. "We have to talk about it Amy." She stated, gently yet firmly. I nodded and took a deep breath. "Well.." I started.

(To be continued..)

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wow.. didn't mean to make such a personal chapter.. woops.

hope you liked it!

feedback is appreciated!! (:

xoxo Jenna