The Big Book Of 2P

The One Thing - John Mulaney Parody

  "And I expect you to behave with your substitute while I am out of town for the next two weeks." The teacher said sternly. The rest of the class groaned out variations of 'Yes, Mr. Kirkland.' Finally, the class bell rang and I stepped outside of the room.

  "Luciano!" I heard a voice call. "Are you going to Alfred's party?!" Siegfried asked.

  "Why would I care abou a stupid party? Besides, I wasn't even Invited." I replied.

  "Well... it's at Mr. Kirkland's house.~ Also, I could bring you as my... date...?" He told me.

  Blush spread across my face as a thousand thoughts fill my head.

  "D-Date? Buh, h-hah, ah, umm... whahahaaat? Uhh..." I sputtered.

  "Soooo.... can I take that as a yes?" He asked with a smile. Red-faced and flustered, I slowly nodded. Then I heard a cheerful giggle behind me.

  "You two are so cute!" Feliciano giggled. He had been a friend of mine ever since the schools merged. Ludwig nodded, standing behind him. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, and turned my head to see Siegfried with a lovesick smile leaning over my shoulder.

  Moments later I felt eyes burning into me. Ludwig seemed to feel it too as we both glanced the other way and caught the gazes of Violet and Lovino staring holes into us.

---TIMESKIP---

  Arriving at the party, the door was opened for us, and Siegfried led me inside while I was still blushing from being on his arm. I froze when I saw the people at the party. Everyone I had ever met was there.

  The party was insane, I quickly lost track of Siegfried, and went to find him. I had ended up trying some alchohol, and the myth that an introvert plus alchohol equals an extrovert hides the truth that an introvert plus alchohol equals a drunk introvert, me. I just wanted to see if he could take me home, there were so many people here and I was overwhelmed. My brother was probably here somewhere, but knowing he was likely drunk off his ass, I decided against finding him. I went upstairs just in time to see some kid, I think his name was Gilbert, taking a shit on Mr. Kirkland's computer while his two friends cheered him on.

  I stepped out of the room and took a sip of the drink I was holding to forget what I saw.

  Next I tried looking in the basement, but halfway down the staircase some kid took a running start and jumped onto the pool table, breaking it. I stood there for a moment, too shocked to move before I decided to keep moving. By the time I had reached the bottom of the stairs I was starting to feel the effects of the alchohol strongly, and I was beginning to black out.

  Just then, I heard someone say 'Something something police'. In a brilliant moment of word association, I shouted "FUCK THE POLICE!"

  And everyone joined me.

  The reason someone had said 'Something something police' was because the police were here.

  The officers walked down into the basement and said something into his radio thingy.

  Then Feliciano, remember him? The nice and innocent guy from the beginning of the story? He grabbed a fourty, smashed it on the ground, and yelled "SCATTER!" And everyone ran in different directions.

  I ran to the laundry room and jumped up on the washing machine and climbed out the window and I ran through the yard and then I was running really fast and then I came across a super tall fence and I thought 'I've never climbed a fence that high before!'

  And then I woke up at home.