Fading // m.e

eight.

MATTHEW’S POV

I woke up sweaty and startled. The nightmare came back – it had been just over a year, and when I finally think I’m stable, I find myself crashing back to the ground.

It was the same dream as before, but after all this time, after every repetitive dream, nothing seems to fade. The lifeless body, the hanging scratchy rope… Her diary of secrets and confessions.

Sometimes I found myself wishing so hard for it to be just that; a nightmare, but it was very much a reality. And she was very much gone.

The thought of Analise popped into my mind, and to be honest, I didn’t know how to feel about her; she is too much like Victoria for me to even feel anything. The only way for me to cope would be to act as if she was never here. That’s the only way I’ll get through this.

As I got out of bed, I saw the empty bed beside mine, but instead of crumpled sheets, it was nice and neatly made with tucked bed sheets that were smoothed out and, I’m pretty sure, fluffed pillows.

 “Morning guys.” I mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

“Morning Matt.” They all greeted.

“We waited up for you. We’re too lazy to make breakfast, and we want to check out town, so we’re going out to eat. You coming?” Nash invited.

“Yeah sure. Give me ten minutes.” I replied and trudged back to the room.

ANALISE’S POV

I sat silently sipping my hot chocolate while everyone else chatted amongst themselves. Even Matt – which was weird compared to how silent and awkward he seemed last night.

“So, Ana are you ready for MAGCON?” Cam asked me.

I smiled excitedly and replied, “Um yeah I think so.”

“I’ll probably just sit backstage or something. I don’t want to get in your way.” I added, taking a bite out of some toast.

“NO! YOUR COMING ON STAGE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!” Hayes shouted, turning heads in the small café.

“Yeah. I wan- I mean… Yeah we want you on stage!” Cameron stuttered.

I smiled at his nervousness. Why should he be sheepish around me? I mean, he’s so popular and has a fan base of millions; he’s even got a fandom dedicated to him. So why me? –I’m a ticking time bomb. Soon I’ll be gone and there will be nothing left but the lives live messed up. So yeah…

. . .

We decided to walk back to the hotel since it was sunny out – but that was the worst idea ever. It got really windy and cold, and soon enough the sun had faded, to sadly be covered by the clouds.

“Geez Aaron, great idea. ‘The sun’s out! It’s nice c’mon guys!’” Taylor imitated while failing to find a way to use his bandana as some kind of protection against the cold.

“Hey.” Cameron said from behind, walking with his hands in his pockets.

“Hey.” I simply replied back

The both of us walked together, in silence – but it was nice. He was comforting to be around and I felt like conversation wasn’t even needed when I was with him. His presence was enough.

“Hey, I’ll race you to the park?” I asked childishly.

“You’re on.” He replied, but I had already begun running towards the swing set.

“Hey where are you guys going?”

“Guys the hotel’s this way!”

The screams of the other boys filled the empty streets, but soon enough, their voices and chatter became louder as they followed us into the small park, playing tag with each other.

“Ahhhh!” I shrieked as I tripped over.

“Woa- Ah!” Cameron squeaked as he followed too close behind and tripped over my leg.

We both ended up on the cold, damp grass laughing our heads off.

While he was still laughing, I observed his features. A slim face with slight tanned complexion, beautiful chocolate brown hair, and warm chocloatey eyes. But they were nothing like Matt’s…

‘Stop Ana’ I thought to myself. I mean, why would I compare one of my now closest friends, to Matt? I looked over to the guy that is basically giving me whiplash with his change of mood, not to mention the fact that he’s ignored and avoided me the whole morning as if I was invisible.

I turned back to Cameron who was intently staring right at my eyes, slowly leaning in.

Before I could react, the whistles from the boys were heard, and the confused scream of Nash saying, “What is it? What’s happening?” while looking all around the park.

I laughed and got up before he freaked out, and helped Cameron up to his feet.

Maybe some other time…

MATTHEW’S POV

I sat with Carter while he spoke about his time back home during the break from tour.

“Matt you alright man?” He spoke as he realised my thoughts were elsewhere.

“Um… Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” I replied, and continued to slyly watch Analise with Cameron.

He was one of my best friends and she was a girl that I barely knew. In fact I had been avoiding her all morning. Avoiding eye contact, sitting near her and making conversation with her. But why did I feel this way? Like my stomach was turning and my face was flushing. How could I even be jealous at the sight of her with Cam?

I got out the picture of me and Victoria and held it delicately in my hands. For some reason, having a chance to hold her again, even in picture form, it calmed me.

“You miss her bro?” Carter asked.

“Yeah…” I whispered and slipped the picture back in my pocket.

“Lise looks a bit like her. Like Victoria.” He said sadly.

“Is that why you’ve been… um-”

“Yeah. I just…” I interrupted, but I was unable to even finish my sentence.

“I know - it’s like a reminder. But Matt, you gotta remember it wasn’t your fault.” Carter comforted.

I simply nodded and stared off into the distance. I caught a proper glimpse of Analise. She was happy and laughing. And there was Cam, happy and leaning in. Wait, leaning in?!

I angrily kicked the gravel at my feet and hopped off of the creaky swing set, while everyone else saw the ‘perfect couple’ rolling on the grass and laughing.

“Matt!” The guys shouted confusedly as I ran back in the direction of the hotel.

‘Can I do this?’  Those words kept replaying themselves in my head. Each and every day – ever since I lost her. But now it feels like Victoria’s finally come back to me.

Is this what I want?

 . . . 

Finally finished writing the update! YAY! Haha I hope you like it! I got feels writing it :D

So, the next chapter is going to be at MAGCON, so thanks to the girls who volunteered to appear in it! That chapter will hopefully be up soon. Remember to like, vote and comment!

xx m-s-l