Be A Girl

Loss

Reason #8 I'm writing this: The more beautiful the story the harder it is to move on

"Losing someone is hard. But losing yourself is lifechanging."

"They say you dont know what you have until you lose it. But the truth is, you know exactly what you have but you never thought you'll lose it."

Loss:

They say it's the survival of the strongest. But it's adaptation. It's the survival of the ones that can adapt. The ones that can put up with change.

As I write this. I have no idea what to say. All I know is the more I ask myself what's loss, my brain gets all messed up. All I know is to survive it you have to adapt. Put up with the change. But how? How do you keep up with something you don't understand let alone expect.

There are two types of loss. Losing someone and losing yourself. I think when it comes to losing someone we all think we can handle it..until we are faced with the test. It's just, like someone left you fighting what's infront of you and then stabbed you in the back. And it's..it stops your whole world and slaps you on the face hard.

I want to make this organized and understandable, but it's hard when my own head is a warzone! So just bare with me.

I'm here to talk about two types of lose as I said earlier; losing someone and losing yourself. Now I will start with losing someone but even this has two different things.

One way to lose someone, the hardest, is death. I remember when my grandpa died I didnt even cry. Frankly, I was never close to him and it didnt affect me much. I was ten.. and when he died I remembered telling myself death isn't so heart-breaking as they make it seem.

Then you died, Mariam. I still don't know what happened to me for God's sake! You just stabbed me in the face and left! You took my sanity with you. I crying till I couldnt keep my eyes open. Funny, right? The girl who hated you for six months cried for you! But it's not funny anymore, Mariam. You're not here to make fun of me. And as I much as I wish I didn't, I still hate you for it. You changed me. But your death changed me more. I remember the next day I was forced to go to school. I can't remember what day it was though. I dont remember anything about that week. Just that I felt dead. 

Dead as you.

Six feet under the ground.

My friends got pissed actually, you know.  They were like 'what's wrong?" "what's your problem?" but for heaven's sake tell me WHAT I was supposed to tell them! That your dead! Because this doesnt describe what is wrong with me! This is not just death, Mariam! You stole a piece of me.

Death is not supposed to fuck living people up!

Is that loss? When the most cherished of your identity is cut out?

I don't know. All I know is it's fucked up. It can't be said any other way. It's a darked fucked up feeling that fucks up your life.

People say that grief is easily passed are lying. You can't just over come grief. I think, the best thing to do is to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. I cant control grief, Mariam. I can't help thinking about you without that hole you used to fill stinging. But I wont lie. It's better than it was before.

The pain never really goes away. But you learn to live with it that it kind of numbs.

Whoever had to watch someone's death cut a piece of them, I understand. I know these two words make you so angry because why the heck do they keep saying they understand when they've never been through this before.

But I understand. I swear I do.

And I know it doesnt seem like it...but time numbs all. I swear it does.

Time numbs everything.

...I have to stop talking about death now. And I should probably be ending it here.. but life is not just one kind of loss and I need to say them all.

I know compared to death, break ups or floating away dont even seem to sting. But in all honestly they do. I cant make up my mind if it's merciful because it's slow so you know what's coming or torturing because you cant stop what's coming. 

No. It torture. Seeing someone you love so much slip from between your finger. Like sand. And whenever you try to catch them more sand slips from your hand.

That's the real definition of torture.

Having to let go of someone who is still alive is completely different than losing someone to fate. For a start you cant blame it on life. I mean, one day your happy and the next he/she vanishes against their will. Nope, it doesnt happen like that. You wish though...because they are right infront of you. And you wish you can still call their name and look in their eyes.. but they are moving on.

You wish because you can see them right there infront of you, and they are okay and smiling, but your breaking to pieces.

It's like they keep your wings but take away your sky.

You know what's the same in both losses though? The both take away your sanity.

They both cut you. Shave pieces of you away. Reshape you. It's a painful change. And you'll feel every edge of every raser as it breaks into your skin. But in the end. You are dropped on the ground, your left, no more changing for a while. Just until you find who you are.

And that's when you should adapt. That's when you need to get on your feet and walk back to who you want to be.

I know it feels like the mist is so much to over come. Your feet is trembling from all the blows. Your scared and you dont know if seeking this road is worth it. But staying here wont help. This is where you need to either stay in the mist or walk to where you think the sunlight is.

You know your strong. Your still alive till now, doesnt that say anything? Just stand up and put one foot infront of the other.

It's worth it.

The ones you left are still there in your heart but there is place for someone else. Your heart is not broken. It's not damaged. It's still beating, just had a rough time. And now time to stand up and move on. You can never forget them. But moving on never meant forgetting. Moving on means holding someone's memory in the heart and going to discover new memories to keep it company.

Yes, loss changes your life. But in the end, it gives you the choice to make that change better.

Where something is lost, something is found.

Don't give up. Just like you didnt expect the person you lost to mean so much to you someone else will come along. Just keep your grip strong and dont lose yourself in the journey. I'm here if you need to talk. Just text me I'm always here. And I understand.

Patience is her enemy and love is her friend. Allah yrhamek Mariam.