Be A Girl

Abusive Parents

Reason #18 I'm writing this: "It's a beautiful sight, seeing you mix the colours blue and purple on a canvas. But's it's not so beautiful when your fist is the brush and my face is the canvas." -Immure

Abusive parents:

Indifference.

You know you've reached the point where you've lost touch with every shred of your humanity when you feel indifference about everything. Indifference about the pain. Indifference about the consequences. Indifference about the tears of your loved ones.

Even when your loved one is your mum

Sometimes, I just sit there and wonder how it happened. How I became such a person-an animal. It used to be a whole different thing. I used to feel that bang in my chest when my mum cried. I used to cry too. I used to feel sad because she's sad. Now? Now I barely sit there. Waiting for her eyes to run out of tears so I can just..i don't know. I wait for her to stop crying so I would be able to go on with whatever I was doing before without seeming like a heartless b.

Which I, sadly, am. At least when it comes to that.

I live in a country where child abuse is not the term they use. They prefere "raising a kid up". My parent's, like all egyptian parents, believe in the old saying "spare the rod and spoil the child". I don't know who invented that saying, but I hope he's getting his share of beating in hell. It's only fair. He made our lives hell afterall. You see, I get that it's supposed to be traumatizing. I get that your mum/dad beating you up is supposed to be shocking and you're supposed to be affected gravely and all. But when you've been brought up that way ever since you can remember, it's kind of hard to care anymore.

All honestly? Even when the blow bruises I don't feel it so hard anymore. Sure, I can feel that I've been hit. But not so hard that it affects me. Like, I'm this close to asking my mum to hit me with a butchering knife so I can see if I turned immune to hitting or something.

Beating is not a way to make someone convinced. It's a way to make someone submit. I've learned the hard way that where's fear there can't be trust. I dont trust my parents anymore. ِِِAnd over time, I've learned to just nod my head yes at whatever they say and avoid getting close to them, literally and metaphorically.

And I don't know if people who hit their kids understand this or not. The ones that are supposed to naturally love us and wrap us in their arms are wrapping their hands around our throats! Do they understand that we've reached a point where we're not safe in our own beds at night? I can't sleep with the door open; I know the door wont stop them from entering but...I dont know! I just, I just need to at least feel like I'm locked inside alone.

I was 7 when I first started having a mild case of Algophobia. That's the fear of pain. It barely showed. I just got really scared from raised voices and usually hid away in the bathroom when the teacher was angry. I didn't play with my friends because I was afraid of hide and seek. I wouldnt talk to strangers. Even visitors at home and it wasn't because I was shy. Then I grew up. And well.. I don't know what happened. The beating didn't hurt as much but it still scared me. My parents reached a conclustion that beating isn't helping anything so they tried to stop.

I haven't been beaten seriously for almost 4 years now. Apart from a slap there or a shove here, they haven't touched me. I was grateful, seriously. So I just shut myself out. And by time, I out grew the fear...and grew into indifference. But it's too late. They lost my trust. I can't care about having parents anymore; I'd rather they leave me alone.

I guess, when I was little,  I used to cry when my mum cried because she was my mum! I was taught to love her. For no reason, I just loved her. I don't love people for no reason anymore. I don't. And reminding me that they gave birth to me and dedicated their lives to me doesn't make me love them; it only makes me cry. Because I want to! I want to love them but I can't. I can't feel anything towards them!

Hell I didn't want them to give birth to me to begin with!

And It doesnt matter anymore. It's not about them; it's about you! You have the right to live and thrive and  feel loved and... safe! You're allowed to feel inner peace and as long as you let their blows shed through your walls you will never get that! I don't know how you can stop them; I honestly don't.

But I do know this: They don't matter. Don't hit back. You shouldnt fight crazy with crazy. Hell, don't fight at all. Let them be. This is not your fight. Your fights should be about your life.. not their anger.

Focus on your future. How you'll get out of this shithole and into a better place. Make sure you can afford a better future instead of crying on a past that is already done. Build your own life. Make your own memories.

When you hit your child, don't expect to matter in their lives afterwards. I know my parents love me. I do. I don't know though if that's enough anymore. I admit, they will always be my parents. I will always want them the best.

But I want the best for me too. And it's not having my bones ache for weeks.

It's time you over come fear. You need to let people in and let those who only cause you pain. Choose your own path. No one stays in your life forever.

I'm here if you need to talk. I never judge anyone; we all have our reasons.

Be safe