Be A Girl

Parents

Reason #5 why I am writing this: It's time to show this world you really are. Drop the mask, drop the act. And raise that chin high up.

"Cause impressing everyone never actually worked"

As I write this, I know I will probably regret it. I know someone in real life will read it and they will text me and tell me that's not the way to talk about parents. But please, dont. I want to get this out of my system once and forget about it. Talking about it once is hard as it is. 

Dear mum and Dad, 

I don't know you.

I wanted to start this with I love you. But that would be a lie.  So I thought of writing that I hate you..but that would be a lie too. 

See...the thing is. I dont know you enough to actually know how I feel towards you! All I know is that you're those two people I've tried too hard to please and failed over and over again. 

Remember is second grade? Dad you and mum were hell bound on making me re-take second grade. SECOND GRADE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Why?! Because you thought I was too stupid for a second grader.

Frankly, I spent the whole year crying and fighting with you about that. Then in the end I got excellent grades and you forgot about it.. until in fourth grade, when you decided I suck at English 

It's always like that with you! YOU ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME! First I'm too stupid. I fixed that. So you thought and HEY! She's too fat! Fixed that. HEY! You're not talented enough! You're not careful enoguh! You're not caring enough! You're not you're not you're not!

Enough! Please! Just stop! Don't make me hate you already! Just shut that mouth of yours and think for once! You're critisim is not helping! I CANT LIVE WITH IT! No really! I lay in bed at night and wonder "What the fuck is so wrong with me?!" 

I know. You want me to be better! You think this is encouraging me to be a better person. But damn it's not. It's doing the opisit! Dropping someone's self-esteem to the dirt is NOT the way to motivate them! If anyone reading this actually does that then please just stop! It took me years to over come all your critism and just ignore it..but you are still throwing those stones on me. And sometimes, those stones are too big they leave a gap in me. 

I dont know what to say but to fall on my knees and beg you to stop. I know in real life, you will call me an actor and we'll end up fighting. You'll throw you're words, a couple of slaps or maybe even punches and send me crying to my room..and I will in the end find a way to stab my heart and go apologize for being me. 

You know, I dont want to please you anymore. I dont care. And for the record, mum, I stopped drawing because I couldn't hold sketch without screaming and stabbing the page over and over BECAUSE THINKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS YOU'LL FIND WRONG WITH THE DRAWING WHEN I FINISH IT MADE ME SO FRUSTRATED AND SICK OF MYSELF! 

But no more. As I write this, I want every single one out there to believe me. Caring about what people think you should and shouldnt do may drive you nuts. But parents...it drives you to hell! You know parents only want the best for you, but the way you show it sometimes sends daggers in your heart. I dont know if anyone has the same problem as me, but if you do, here's what I learned:

Don't give a fuck. Sorry, but there is no polite way to put it. Just ignore it! Don't let them bring you down. Sure, sometimes what they say is right, but when what they are saying makes you want to stab them with a knife staright between  the eyes then just dont listen! For your own good and theirs. 

JUST BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE! If they really do want the best for you then they will happy beacuse you will probably be shining as who you are. If anything, their critism should make you stronger. Skin thicker! You should know that you're a warrior by all means. And you dont have to change to please anyone. Just do waht you always wanted to do!

And well, even when you know that sometimes you get so damaged by what they say. Well just text me then and I will always be here to remind you it doesnt matter.

All I know is...they love you. Or at least I really really want to believe they do. All parents just dont know how to show it.

You know mum and dad, I lied. I do know you..I love you. I'm just blinded by all my anger I can no longer remember my love to you.

Sorry.

This chapter probably is going to go down because it helps no one but me.. but I REALLY needed to get this out of my system. I've been spending the last two days staring at my room's ceiling and trying to disappear. I didnt want to move, breathe. I wasnt even thinking. I was just staring. I wanted my life to just pause till all the pain go away and the problem is, I no longer know what this pain is from. All I know is I cant stand it and I dont want to stand it. 

I'm sorry Mariam. I'm just not as strong as I thought I can be. 

I will probably write about abusive parents...cause that needs a chapter on it's own. But it definitely wont be the next chapter. Sorry

If you ever feel like you just want to disappear. Just text me. I understand and I want to help.