Be A Girl

Because I'm allowed to be sad

Reason #22 I'm writing this: And there's just days when honestly the only thing I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying my eyes out for no reason.

For no reason:

So, I actually thought everyone was like that. But appearently not. Does anyone ever just feel sad for no damn reason. Just out of no where. You are suddenly hit with a wave of sadness as you start recalling all the stuff you can't do and the things you wish you were and the things you miss?

Because this happens alot to me. I might be in normal spirits one day, then by the middle of the day I'll just feel depressed. THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED! And I sit there and I'm like "Hanna, shut the heck up! You're being sad for no reason"

And my other side would be like ".........."

So my other side would say "Bitch! Get over yourself."

And my sad side would be "............"

In the end, my not so sad side gives up and leaves me to be a depressed ball of tears for no reason.

Amd in most cases I don't even know the main reason behind my sadness. But all I do know is that at that moment almost everything that represents me is gonna and all that's left is someone with seriously no damn reason to live let alone be positive. I get drained from all my energy that if someone leaves me to be, I can just sit there fixed in one place and not feel the need to move. Or when it gets even more depressing, I go on a food binge eating every single edible thing in the fridge and then go cry in my room quitely so no one can ask me what is it.

THE MOST ANNOYING PART IS THAT I CAN NEVER ANSWER THIS QUESTION BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS IT!

Needless to say, when I finally get out of this depressed state, I start regretting it. Usually my first regrets are when I weight myself in the morning and see that I've gained a kilo (OBVIOUSLY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EAT SO MUCH!!). But then I start remembering that I've treated my best friend badly when I was still sad. Or how I now have to wear my glasses around and look like an idiot because my eyes hurt so much from all the crying and it hurts twice as much to look at the screen or book or newpaper or whatever without my glasses on. 

I feel like kicking myself over and over for giving in to the sensation of sadness. And then I promise myself that next time I will be strong. I wont do it again. Because I am strong enough and there's no reason to be sad. Blah blah blah.. and appearently, all the promises I make to myself then don't stand a chance when I get that feeling again.

It started to bug me. I'm not the type who likes to break promises. And it reached a point where I was sad because I can't keep the promise of being happy! How stupid is that!

Right now, when I look at it. I think I finally know why people like me (I'm willing to bet my nail polish collection at least someone feels the same way) feel sad for no reason. I think the fact that we don't have the reason is the reason! At least sometimes!

Our lives became so empty between doing what we are told and keeping a socially accepted (and admired) front that we lost in touch with anything that matters to us! We've reached a point where honestly nothing in our lives matters enough to make us sad. And that makes us sad. The fact that we own nothing that we cherish and are afraid to lose, makes us sad.

Making sense? Anyone?

That's the answer to why I become suddenly sad. And the problem is? I don't see the point in voicing that problem to the people around me because they never take me seriously. And even if they do, they don't see I have the right to be a human yet because I am a kid. Just that, a kid.

And yes, I am a kid. I have no idea how hard life can get. I haven't been homeless and I obviously never been in a critical situation that would lead me to being homeless (at least, I wasn't the one that had to act to fix the situation). But even still. I am a kid. And it's their own damn fault I'm feeling like that when I am just a kid!

I don't feel grown up. I feel lost! Like I can't call my self a kid and I can't call myself a grown up either! And there's billion of stuff I don't understand or even want to understand, yet there's things I do understand that I shouldn't be understanding at this age. I don't feel like I know everything; I just wish I don't know anything.

So that, my dear reader, is why people like me get sad for no reason. Add that to the fact that so much shit happens that affects you. Like having to do all the housework because everyone is just so busy to lend a hand and not being able to express how you feel to your family. Or silly fights with friends who are too obvious about the fact that you don't need anymore fighting right now. And you have yourself a depressed bag of memories.

You can't call it human and you can't call it dead either. It's just a trash can of memories.

I'm not saying that to get a bunch of comments telling me I'm a nice person. Honestly, it gets awkward, thank you but please don't. What I AM here to do though, is talk to the people like me. First of all, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG!

EVERYTHING! I GET IT! EVERYTHING IS WRONG! But so what! You only make it worse by feeling sad! It doesn't stop! Wanting to sleep forever doesn't actually make you sleep forever and no matter how much they tell you, you being sad won't make them change. Beat that shit! Honestly! You don't want something to be stronger than you.

Make a list of the things you miss. The thing you wish you did. The things you wish you didn't do and the things you hate about your life right now,

Then make a list of all the things you love to do. Dancing. Hanging out. Shopping. (don't include eating). Now whenever you start to feel that depressing phase coming, read the sad list. Over and over until it sinks it and you become depressed. Take an hour to feel it. Cry if you need it. Then get off your sad bum and do all the things you wrote on the second list.

Because here's the thing I noticed, fighting the feeling only makes it stronger. If you can let it go as soon as possible though, that's better than nothing.

Start to do the things that actually matter to you so that you'd have a reason to get back up when you fall down. Nothing they say matters when you are in that phase. You know why? Because you're the only one who can make a difference in your life.