Be A Girl

Family

Reason #20 I'm writing this: You are beautiful

Family:

so yea, people, I'm talking about that again! recently, I've been having alot of fights with my sister. I know to some people, that's normal. But to me, it's not. Of course we always fight! 24/7! But there's a difference between those fights and the ones we're having right now. It's like the other ones actually amused us. We were just having fun. She'd throw a word at me and I will throw a word back then 3 minutes later we'd (maybe) playfully wrestle then we'd be giggling and talking about how mum is pissed off today or how the weather is really hot or anything! We wont even remember that we were fighting ten minutes ago!

I miss that. I honestly do. The reason I'm saying I miss that is because it's been years since we did that. Honestly, I didnt notice that until recently. We were having a fight. Then she said I hate you and stucked her headphones in and went back to her studying. And I just.. we always say I hate you. But this one sounded genuine. Real. She didnt just seem angry. She seemed to mean it. And then there was no playful wrestling in the end. Or useless talk about whatever mum is cooking in the kitchen. Or the "lemme see what you're doing" that always ends up in both of us watching CSI: NY on the computer! Nothing! She just went back to whatever she was studying and I just.. I finally noticed it's been two years since we had an actual, genuine, talk.

We grew apart?

Whenever we'd fight now it's about how the other wont listen. Or how we annoy the other and send their nerves to hell. She says it's all because of me; I drifted off into my hopes of losing weight and having more friends and writing and stuff. That I spend more time with my friends than with her. And when I just..... when I actually calm down and sit alone to think about it, she's half right. It all DID start when I switched school. But I never meant to stop listening to her.

When I was 6 or something like that, I used to still take those "petit pan" sandwiches for school, my mum used to say that "family sticks around. We hurt each other, we say lousy things to each other, but we stick around because we know we've all they've got."

^^yea, my mum has a good side too, have to admit. I think I didn't stick around. I think it's my fault me and my sister grew apart. But to be honest, I needed that! I needed friends and I needed to lose weight and... just sticking around with them was bringing me down! I couldn't bring myself to do anything with them 'fighting and crying' around me! I felt like I had to grow apart from them.

It's not the same now, sure, I dont really care that my parents are angry because I'm always on my phone (they are always on my nerves; when they stop this I'll stop that!). But not my sister, I never wanted to grow apart from my sister. She is all I've got. She's my only friend in this house!

So here I am today, again writing a big ass "not so big" whine about how I miss my sister. But I can fix that. She is after all my sister and I know how to get it back together (i hope) so dont worry about it.

What I do want you to worry about is, you. Just freeze the picture right now and look at your life from afar. You're sitting on your phone 24/7. Going out as much as your parents would allow you. Writing, drawing, reading, doing anything but sitting with your family. And I get it, I get it that you do NOT want to stay with them any longer than you have to because they make you want to throw gasoline all over yourself and light up! But that's the point, there's probably something you miss in that familly. Be it a sister, a brother, hell a parent (not really?), a movie night, a day somewhere, a BBQ, summer vacations, there's something. And I know you miss that thing so much. You miss them just as much as you dont want to face them, actually. But here's the thing, they come as a package.

The things you hate about them is bound to come with the things you love about them. Even in worst case senarios. For an example, I haven't hugged my mum since I was in fourth grade, I miss that even though I'm afraid to be close to her! I haven't hugged my dad since world war 1! I dont even remember how that feels! I haven't had the 'movie night' night in almost forever. We even stopped doing that at all!

So yes, I miss that. Even if my parents hit me, I still miss that. Because that's what we do. We stick around because we know we're all they've got. And that's what you should do; stick around. choose to give them a second chance because you can. At least, maybe then, when you go to sleep you wont have to wonder what's so wrong with you.

And to all who have abusive parents, you know they are not just a bad, rotting, monster. And I guess that's what makes it even harder because you dont know how to feel towards them anymore. Or how to forgive them when you know they will still do it again and regret it later! Just locking them out is fine, I know I've been doing that for years.. but in cases like mine, beating isn't working for them anymore. At some point they stop and you get to ask yourself if you want to forgive them or not. The answer will usually be no, then somehow, for some sick reason, you wish you can just spend an hour being normal with them. Beacuse like it or not, right now, they are the only ones that have stuck around ever since you can remember (though yes, sometimes you wish they didnt)

Take your sister or brother out. TALK with them! See the weird through their own eyes for once. Talk to your mum; she probably regrets whatever she did more than you. Talk to your dad; even if he is a closed up person who finds it hard to have a normal conversation thats not about politics. Be a family like they taught you when you were little. before all that happened.

It sounds impossible even to me, but I miss my sister enough to try. And to be honest, I talked to someone on here and well..lets just say she made up with her parents and even conviced me to do the same. Seriously, everyone should talk to her because I cant even explain what she told me.

Your parents miss you.

Your sibling needs you.

And your pet is probably starving because you forgot to feed it again!

Just one more try; Try to have a family again. Nothing worse can happen anyways. I'm always here to talk if you need me! or need anyone to listen. I swear I wont judge you; we all have our reasons.

Be safe.

PS: Rajia, if you're reading (which I doubt) I miss you and I'm sorry.