Be A Girl

Doubt

Reason #12 I'm writing this: You

"Doubt has killed more dreams than failure ever will,"

"If you are going to doubt anything in life, doubt your own limitation,"

Doubt:

"I can't possibly do this."

"I just can't."

Have you ever said these words over and over again? Because I have. Funny actually, the topic is inspired by the fact that I doubted I can write anything to help you guys anymore

Yes. I have been wrecking my brains for topics for the past two days. First I said anger. Then parents then addiction and then I was like "I just can't write anything anymore! Look at me! I am a mess that is trying to help people OUT of their mess!"

The point I reached? We are all a mess. I think that's what makes us special. Everyone one of us does her own knots in her own special way. But then we look at other knots and we think of how pretty they are or how cool or how funny and we deteste our selves for not being the same as that knot over there.

It's fear. We want to be accepted. No, not just accepted, we want to be perfect. But we never believe we are. It's because we compare ourselves with those around us. We look at a girl and doubt we are pretty just because she is prettier. We stand on the scale and doubt we are thin because our friends' scale is smaller. We see other people's special treats and start to doubt those same treats in us just because they are not as good.

But here is what we miss. Nobody is perfect. Yes, I'm actually using this cliche sentence because it is true! So what? Someone's hair is more beautiful? Someone is funnier? Someone is smarter? That doesn't they are better than you! The exact same people that cause you to doubt yourself, don't have the same treats you do. What I am trying to say is, you don't have their special treats but you have your own special treat that they would die to have. So it's like a vicious cycle, you want something they have so badly and they want somethign YOU have so badly. And you get so focused on having that treat the other girl has. You dedicate your whole time so that it feels like it is the only thing that matters. Then you look at yourself and the only thing you see is that treat your missing on and thus you start doubting yourself.

Am I making anysense? Anyone?

It's just crazy, really. How beautiful you are isn't measured by having specific treats; it's measured by what all your treats team together make. Being beautiful is measured by being you. Thus, there are so many ways to be beautiful. Yet we tend to forget that. We look in the mirror and we wonder "why do I feel so special when I am actually not?" but we tend to forget that yes, we are not flawless. But we can be wonderful if we show our flaws right.

So I know how it gets, you don't think you can do it. Or you don't think your worth it or that there is something not good enough. But that's not right. The only thing wrong is you doubting yourself. You know why? Because our souls are like never ending fires. The more we give the stronger it gets. That's why we always feel like we can do more. It's because we are limitless. We just bordered our sky with doubt.

I'm writing this today and I keep telling myself no one would understand me because it's too 'first draft me'. The complicated first thoughts that came to my mind. But I wont erase a thing from what I write. Because this is what I am trying to tell you and I will tell it to myself as well; don't doubt yourself.

If you felt good doing something then you shouldn't be afraid showing it off! And I love talking to you all! I love feeling like I'm a part of something.

Today, I realise doubt is not a way to make yourself better. It's a way to destroy all what you've done. I haven't written in any of my stories yesterday because I'm afraid if I go further with the story people will lose interest in it. Specially this one. I don't want you to give up on the pink fighters because it will feel like I failed the only dream Mariam and I had together. And I keep reading what I write and feeling like I am ruining it because..I'm not a perfectly, emotianlly stable, wise girl. I am crazy. I am crazy and stupid and I have my days when I am so angry I can punch you in the face and send your nose down your throat. And I feel that a girl like me, trying to support girls when most of the time she slips up and starts ranting about her life instead is just annoying you and boring you to death not doing what she is supposed to do; supporting you.

But here is the thing. I am trying to support you. And as long as I am trying to do the right thing, I wont doubt myself.

If people are stars, then mine would be very small compared to others and it's sparkle would be dulled by the brighter ones. But it will still be a star. And though it is small one it is still big compared to a planet. It will still be a shinning star.

You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't try to hide your shine because you feel like it's not good. It helps if you write a small list of the things that you are embarrassed about. And believed that these are what make you unique. It took me a time to realise this but it IS true. The little things that drive me mad about myself is what my friends consider good about me!

Like the fact that when I'm angry over something stupid I start critising it in annoyince and I suddenly find them laughing.

Or that when I'm sleepy I send uncomprehendable texts. (which gets really embarrassing when I'm faced with what I did in the morning.)

Or that my voice is very weird and I have a weird egyptian/alexandrian accent.

STUPID THINGS! That make me doubt myself everyday and suddenly I realise that people love that about me.

Write one and send it to a friend and see what they have to say about that! And if you dont want to face your friends with it, I'm here. Just send it to me in a text and we'll talk!

Today, my message isn't so friendly. My message is: KICK WHO EVER MAKES YOU DOUBT YOURSLEF AND STUFF THEIR PIE HOLE WITH DIRTY SOCKETS! Okay, well this is the angry version of what I want to say.

What I really wanna say is, we all have flaws. It's not about being the best; it's about being unique. So next time you look in the mirror and doubt that that's what's considered beautiful, remember that if you believe enough in yourself, you will shine enough to make them reconsider what's beautiful.

Be what  you want to be! Who cares what they wont? Those who want something from you wont last forever in your life. YOU are the main character. You get to choose.

You know what you need? You need a vacation. No I don't mean an actual vacation because we are teens after all you can't just pack your back and be like "Mum! I'm going on a vacation. Don't wait up for me." No, we would probably not live for another chapter if we do. What I mean is, you need a vacation away from everyone and everything. Try and find a place were you can relax without being disturbed. Were you can remember why you trusted yourself in the beginning.

Your not a cold product waiting to be stamped with approval. You're a human. Always remember that doubt means you are trying to please someone when infact, being you will leave them mesmerised.

I did not read this before publishing which means it will probably be...terrible. But I wont read it because I know I will delete it just like I deleted 8 chapters till now if I do. And I'm done doubting myself.

I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this because I believe in my shine.

And I believe everybody can shine.