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It's been a year since we broke up. It's been a year of you dating B*tchna. It's been a year since we talked. Couldn't we just go back to old times? The times where we laughed, talked, and joked like nothing was wrong? Of course, everything was wrong. Me having a ton of debts to pay because of my deceased father's carelessness, you turning into a wh*re magnet, and something about you sleeping with B*tchna?
Why? Why did you do this? Just a year ago, you were kind, pure, and wonderful. The escape place. Heaven. My heaven. But you changed. "People change," you said when I confronted you. You began toying around with girls from our grade, and you finally dated Bitna, who I call B*tchna for taking you away from me just because she was skinnier, beautiful, smarter, flirtier, funnier, and just BETTER.
You left me. You thought we'd be okay. You thought I was fine. You thought you were fine. But I saw through you. You were in pain. I've been waiting. I've been waiting for you to admit it. For you to admit and come back. You used to scream hello in the halls when we passed each other, but now you won't spare a glance. I spent 12 months waiting. But you never came back.
Juyeon, why did it have to be this way? I know how Bitna is using you. Using you for her own popularity. Using you for her own entertainment. Using you because you're... You. Even though you became selfish, irresponsible, awfully flirtatious, and greedy, I believed. I believed you would recognize that angel within you. I believed. I believed so much...
But after you slapped me that day, I never forgave you. That anger burning in your eyes. That hatred. That hostility. I can never forget it. It wasn't me. It wasn't me! It wasn't me that poured water over her. It wasn't me! I tried telling you so many times. Please... Please... I begged and begged that you would know I wasn't that type of person to do such a thing. I begged and begged that you would know how much I was hurting.
What are you so scared of? Why are you so scared? Why are you so scared to leave Bitna? Why are you scared to come to me? Why? Why...? Maybe you're lying to yourself. I always assumed that. Maybe you're living your own fantasy. Maybe you're thinking everything is right when it isn't. You know your mistakes, don't you? I waited. So many times. Countless times. You spared not even one word...
Today, I wonder if I can get through classes. Classes that are so empty. Classes that feel like hell. Classes that I dread so much because of the lack of you being with me.
I walked into the classroom, head hanging low. "Why?" I murmured to myself. I brushed past you and Bitna, and I thought I saw you glance at me. But when I looked up, you were back with your pained smiles with Bitna. I don't understand why you broke up with me. Is it because of her? Most likely. Maybe you didn't know of your future. Maybe you thought everything would turn out FINE. But it didn't, you know that right?
I sat down in my seat. It hurt my heart to watch you and Bitna. It hurt more that you sat next to me. "Juyeon..." I touched your arm. You didn't budge. I think I saw you flinch. Maybe not of my touch but because of me saying your name. It hurts, doesn't it? I know it well. You continued talking to Bitna. She cast me a smirk.
She knows how I suffer. Suffer watching you two. It makes my heart throb.
And then the teacher announced we would have assigned partners with chemistry lab. Something about dangerous chemicals. I didn't fully hear it. I just prayed I wouldn't be put next to Juyeon. I think I could hear you praying that you wouldn't be placed with me, too. "JUYEON AND Y/N!" The teacher barked. We looked at each other briefly before turning away. Bitna seemed furious.
After every partner was assigned, we had to get together and begin working on some worksheets. Were we not partners? You worked alone. You didn't beckon me over, talk with me about the worksheet... Nothing.
I walked over to you. "Do you want to come to my house to work on the project?" I asked. I had mustered up all my remaining courage to ask you that single question. A question I was unsure how you would respond. "... Sure," was all you said before you stood up and murmured something in Bitna's ear.
I was shocked. I didn't exactly expect you to accept my invitation. I was relieved, and also slightly terrified. What would be the outcome of this? Would we be back to smiling and goofing off like usual? Or would we pretend? Pretend to be someone else like in a movie or a play? I was scared.
Soon school was over and you offered to walk with me home to finish the project. Even though you approached me first and asked if you had permission to go home with me, you were strolling on the other side of the street, pretending not to notice me.
I finally arrived home. It felt like my heart was shattering when I saw you shuffling your feet along the sidewalk and staring up at the gray-painted sky. You stopped about 10 feet behind me, awkwardly twiddling your thumbs. I opened the door and I signaled you to come in with a small wave of my hand.
"Where're your parents?" You had the nerve to ask as soon as you went inside. You had the nerve to ask such a sensitive question when you already knew. You already knew my father died and that my mother re-married to a b*tch of a step-father.
I didn't answer. I was hurt. How did one year change someone so much?
We got to work quickly. I knew you were the type of person to want to get work done fast. At least that part didn't change. We finished our worksheets in less than 2 hours. You got up and began immediately heading to the door, but I grabbed your wrist. Why was I so desperate?
"Stay for dinner, at least," I said in a quiet voice. You hesitated but nodded. Juyeon, I know how you hate my cooked food. You often joked about how I could star on a cooking show and burn down the entire building. But now you don't comment on my cooking.
I made an omelet for you while I just ate an apple. I wondered if you would say your typical line after eating my food. It always made me laugh. But you silently ate, grimacing a bit after each bite.
I quietly ate my apple, watching your every move. The weird way you hold your fork and spoon didn't change. I find it cute, Juyeon. I hope that never changes.
The next day, I was walking to school as usual. I found you walking with Bitna in front of me. You were about the cross the street, the light blinking green to allow people to cross safely.
I suddenly had an urgency to call out to you. The reason I still don't know.
"Juyeon!" I screamed out your name. You were already in the middle of the street. You spun around quickly, confused. Then the light switched red and a car came zipping down the street. Bitna was already on the other side, her eyes wide as the car zoomed towards you. My fault. My fault. My fault. Those words repeated in my head.
I had to help! I had to save Juyeon!
"Watch out-!" I gasped. But you stayed frozen. You turned your head around to try and find me. To try and find whoever was calling out your name.
