Chasing Ghosts [Attack on Titan](Wattys 2014 Winner)

Chapter forty-three- Decisions.

Chapter forty three

Qwill would be back tonight for my answer. I recalled the dream, if I were to leave… would Levi be given my wings? Would he be the next Corporal of the Survey Corp…? Is that what that dream meant,  that I could have a happy ending and live in wall Sina like a pampered princess. No, Levi had said ‘Don’t lose your wings.’ Meaning I should stay…? I sighed loudly falling back into the covers and shoving a fluffy white pillow above my eyes, I didn't want to think about it. It was a weird dream, but it had truth and meaning behind it. I wondered again how I'd ended up in my bed, I rolled out from under the soft white covers it was still dark outside. I hoped it wasn't too early in the morning. I pulled on more comfortably clothes and rummaged through my desk drawers. I found one of the earlier journals my mother had written, it was mostly dedicated to her falling in love with my father. I wished she would have been around, so I could ask her about this. I knew, from reading her writing she was a very strong and trust oriented woman.

I only wish, I could have known her. My own mother… I hugged the journal close to my chest and curled my knees up to my face sitting on my bed. If I could ask her about this, I wondered what she would say. I imagined her voice would have been as soft as silk and as warm as honey. I flipped open the book and to the entry from June fourth, the day she fell for my father. It read,

“Albert has been acting distant lately, I don’t know why. He hasn't been talking much and is always looking at his hands when I'm around. I don’t understand why, he used to be so talkative. Today we went out to the field, to pick flowers. I've always loved flowers, they are my pride and joy. I want to start a book about them one day. We sat out there and talked for the longest time, talking about the world and what our futures will be. I asked Albert what he wanted to do when he was older and he told me ‘Follow my heart, I'll follow it to where ever it leads me. Even if it’s the wrong direction’…”

I stopped reading. “Follow my heart, where ever it leads me even if it’s the wrong direction…” I whispered, I touched my heart without even noticing. What did I want…? Did I want to fight for my freedom, or fight for the right to love. Have I earned my leisure…? To take a break from the war and to settle down. Was that really what I wanted..? I placed the journal back into the shelf without thinking, I closed my eyes and laid down. I had some serious thinking to do, to figure out what I really wanted. I listened to the sound of the night, the gentle creaking of the stone and wood floors. The shifting of the bed from other rooms, the quiet hum of the firefly’s outside my window. I eventually must have drifted off because I woke up some time later to the sun glaring though my window and lighting up my eyes. I rolled over and sat up pulling on my clothing and going down the steps. I was still struggling to make the choice, like Levi had said. This decision would affect my life forever, There was no going back. Ever

I went to the mess hall, everyone was down there chatting lively and laughter echoed through my ears. I didn't feel like joining in, I sat down next to the usual group. Petra tipped her head “Alya, are you alright..? You seem… down.”  I looked up at her, shaking my head. “Oh, I'm just thinking.” I said playing with the food in my bowl, not really interested in eating. Petra nodded and said nothing, the others eyed me in silence for a minute then went back to chatting. Something about, dogs..? I think I wasn't listening. I sighed inwardly as Levi appeared from behind me, he looked to Petra and the others. “We need to talk.” He said to all of us, I frowned but stood up as did the others we followed the seemingly aggravated man. We stood outside in the courtyard next to the horses, Lullaby had taken a liking to Levi and nuzzled him instead of me.

Levis eyes were locked on mine. “I don’t think she's told you four has she?” I sighed loudly as I realized where he was going with this. Erd and Gunter looked at me “Uh… Told us what?” They said at almost the exact same time. I blinked looking up at them in surprise; Petra was staring at me like I was a giant nine-legged spider. Levi rolled his eyes “Want me to tell them, or should we let them guess?” He half joked, Petra smiled clapping her hands. “Oh, I'll guess!” I turned back to my horse, this was a stupid game. She grinned “Are you two dating!” She said, I snapped my head over at her. “No!” I almost yelled. She winced “Sorry…” I shook my head “No, I apologize. I'm just… a little flustered today.” Erd rolled his shoulders “We noticed.” I turned towards them and away from the velvet steed that nibbled at my scarlet hair as I moved from her. “Qwill proposed to me. He wants me to marry him and join him in Sina.” I said, they gasped in unison “What!” Petra cried “That’s great news, but you just got reunited with him.” She said taking my hands in her equally small ones. “I mean, c'mon. He is your best friend but that’s not right.” Oluo nodded in agreement with the auburn haired woman. The others followed, Levi folded his arms and said nothing. He just looked at me sternly. “Well, Captain Ginger…. Have you decided on who- what you'll be picking.” I narrowed my silver eyes as he said ‘Who’ hmph, what was that all about.

I sighed “I have no idea, Ok… I don’t know if I've really earned going to wall Sina but I don’t know if I want that at all… and I don’t want to lose my wings.” I stared him dead in the eyes, half tempted to tell them about my dream. I held my tongue, deciding against it. Something flickered in his cool steel eyes but he remained silent. “It’s up to you, as I said.” He shrugged, I felt my hand reaching for the fabric of my shirt around my heart. I clutched the white shirt in silence, follow your heart. A voice whispered in my ear. I nodded to myself still gripping the fabric. “I'm not willing to give up my wings to join him, unless he can allow this. I'm going to say no.” I saw Levi remove his arms from his chest and let them hang at his side. “So you'll stay in the military as a married woman?” he scoffed in disbelief. I frowned “Is that a problem?” he shrugged “Depends, if he’s willing to deal with your funeral.” He snarled, his voice suddenly as cold as winter ice. “Whoa!” I cried in surprise “Where is this sudden tone coming from?” I demanded. The black haired boy let out a ‘tsk’ sound and stormed off without a word of explanation.