Chasing Ghosts [Attack on Titan](Wattys 2014 Winner)

Chapter forty five- Who we want to be

 Chapter forty five

Before Qwill could say anything the others gasped in surprise. Erwins head snapped up and he was staring at me in disbelief. “Wait, Alya!” Cried Petra “You cant, you said you wouldn't go if he said you couldn't stay!” She raced over, I looked over at her. I sighed quietly “I think, eleven years in the military is more then enough. I've lived long enough, its my time to step down and let someone else have my place.” As I said that Levi appeared at the door he held the edge of the door frame so hard I heard it snap. He glared at me, walking over and roughly grabbing my shoulders. “I said, don’t lose your wings. Don’t lose them, you may think this is a good opportunity. Its not, look around you. Look at these people you will betray if you leave.” He said, staring me dead in the eyes. Qwill just stared, saying nothing. “If it wasn't for you, Id still be sullen and alone. I doubt I would still be here.” He said glaring at me. “So, don’t leave. I doubt I'll ever forgive you.” He said, Erwin watched in silence. Petra blinked, Erd, Gunter and Oluo stood behind her. It was my decision, stay here. Or go and live an easy life, the life that I've hated since I joined the military. I continued to stare into Levis Steel gray eyes.

I closed my silver ones, wanting to slip off to a world where I didn't have to make choices like this. I felt Levi put his forehead on my head his soft hair was very comforting. “Don’t leave me.” He whispered, I opened my eyes to look into his gray ones. I felt Qwill touch my shoulder “Alya. I don’t think you should leave, what you really want his change. So keep your wings, just remember. If you change your mind, I'll be waiting.” I opened my mouth to say something but he had mounted his horse and ridden off. Levi removed his forehead from mine and stood back folding his arms and looking down at me. “Never threaten to leave us again.” He said. His voice wasn’t stern, it was just very pleasant. Like he was pleased I'd chosen to stay here, well not really chosen but I knew what my heart wanted it. It wanted to keep its wings, to keep fighting for our freedom.

The other four rushed over to me and hugged me squishing me between there bodies. Petra was on the verge of tears “I'm glad you’re not leaving!” She cried. I gasped for air being crushed between there bodies. They let me go and I sucked in oxygen madly. Erwin was there he knelt down to look into my eyes “I'm glad we won’t be losing one of the best soldiers we have.” He smiled, putting his hand on my shoulder. He stood up “Back to work people, no breaks.” He snapped his fingers and they all saluted him racing off to go back to training and chores. Levi stood at my side his arms folded over his chest gazing into the court yard in silence, eventually it emptied and we were alone. “Thanks.” I said, looking up at him. “I guess I didn't realize what I had going for me here…” I chuckled softly. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. “You should be more grateful, these people love you. Maybe not in the romantic way, but as you told me once. This is a family, and we can’t lose one of our members.” He said, not turning his face towards me and staring out into the horizon. “You know, you’re really smart when you try.” I said. He looked over at me “I'm no idiot Alya, I just choose to not let people in.” I heard a shifting and whipped my head around to see Hanji peeking around the corner of the building.

I smiled at her “Perhaps you should learn to let other people in.” I said still looking at the chocolate haired girl, her large brown eyes widened as they met mine. She walked over very sheepishly, Levi turned slightly then looked forward again. I looked at him as Hanji stood beside me. “You might have similarity’s with other people, you can’t limit yourself to only five.” I said turning to go, leaving the two standing in the evening sun. Hanji was taller than him, and I. I went inside and up to my room, I took out a blank journal, my mother had started writing this one two days before she died. Only one entry, talking about me and how excited she was to be a mother. I flipped open to a new page, and removed a  pen quill from the jar at the edge of the desk, I began to write.

“Dear mother, I don’t know if your seeing this from heaven but I think I discovered something today, I think I figured out what caring for someone means, to truly want to protect this person. I think, there is someone here that really wants to protect me. Even if he doesn't know it yet, he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know how to tell me that. I wonder if this means something, I wonder if something is going to happen. Or he might just be my friend forever, would I really want him to be… something more?” I shut the journal after signing my name. I slipped it into the bottom drawer of the desk. Do I want something more…? Wow, I'd really had to do a lot of deep thinking these past few days.

Did I really want a relationship, no… I didn't. At least not yet anyway, I'd learned that I should focus on my goal, to free the world of these terrible creatures. To see the walls destroyed, gone. I closed my eyes and leaned back in the chair soft voices whispering though my window from below. Hanji and Levi no doubt. I was glad he took my advice. I heard the door open and shut and the sounds of boots going down the steps. I just listened to the world for a while, my eyes firmly shut following the sounds of chatter and giggling from the mess hall. I moved to my bed and tossed my jacket on the floor. It landed right side up, with the wings facing me. I opened my left eye only a crack to look at the navy and white surface. I'll never lose those wings.