Hey, Mr. Grumpy! [DaraGon/NyongDal]

34.

34.

 

I was still out of my wits. Whenever I go to sleep at night, I could always imagine how warm Jiyong would feel like against my skin. I think about the things I would have told him if he’s beside me. If he’s listening to me. Whenever I hold my phone, I find myself dialling his number, and fuck, I find myself actually sending him messages. Kung kumain na ba siya, kung nakatulog ba siya ng maayos, o kaya naman ay isang simpleng “good morning” o “good night” na para bang kami pa ring dalawa.

He never replied to them. Whenever I click his thread on my inbox, all of the messages were screaming at me, as if I was a lunatic talking to myself. Hindi alam nina Bom ang ginagawa ko, because if they do know, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin nila sa’kin. Maybe they’d just chuck me to a mental hospital.

I work harder these days. Much, much, much harder than I ever did in my whole life. Good thing I can act and pretend that I’m alright. I’ve done it a lot of times ever since Sang Hyun’s welfare was entrusted to me. Magpapanggap ako na okay lang ang lahat at may maipangbabayad pa kami sa kuryente sa susunod na linggo kahit na hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ako kukuha ng pera dahil sa paghahati ng sweldo ko sa bills, pagkain, pag-aaral ni Sang Hyun at kung ano-ano pang living expenses. Which is why Bom was such an angel sent to our lives. Kung hindi dahil sa mga tulong ni Bom at ng parents niya, malamang ay matagal na kaming natulog ng kapatid ko sa kalsada.

No one else noticed I wasn’t okay. I only allow myself to wander when I’m with my members. I allow myself to fantasize what it would be like if Jiyong’s still by my side. If we’re still together, fighting these stupid issues. His dating scandals increased dramatically, and every single one of them stabs me like a knife straight to the heart. Gustong-gusto kong bumalik uli at magmakaawa kay Jiyong, pero alam ko na hindi na uli siya papayag na kitain pa ako dahil sa nangyari noong huling beses.

If I could trade a million of my tomorrows to get my Jiyong back for a day, I’d do it. I’d give it. Kahit na ilang bukas pa ang hingin nila sa akin, ibibigay ko. Kahit na hingiin pa nga siguro nila sa’kin ang buong buhay ko para sa isang araw kasama si Jiyong, kaya ko sigurong ibigay. Ganoon ako ka-desperada na maibalik siya sa buhay ko.

I don’t believe that anyone else in the world is right for me in the way that Jiyong was– is. When I cry myself to sleep every night, I thought of how different he knew me from the way the others do. Maybe... maybe it won’t be too hard for anyone to write or say anything about the person he or she is missing right now, but I doubt it highly if they could portray in mere words how I feel without Jiyong by my side. I doubt if they could weave into words how much I want him next to me, because they didn’t know him the way I did. The way he pouts when he finds something not to his liking, the way his lips curl into a smile, the way he buries his head into the exact curve where my neck meets my shoulders, the way his voice sounds when he calls my name.

They’d never know it the way I do.

 

But even though it all came down to this– to all this heartbreak and pain, if someone would give me the chance to go back to the very start... to that time when I first saw him on that tour bus...

I’d still like him.

I’d still fall in love with him the way I did. Because no amount of pain can surpass the happiness I felt with him.