I Won't Give Up (A Big Time Rush Fanfiction)

Just Give Me A Reason

Gustavo and Kelly will finally be introduced in the next chapter ;) xoxoxo, Brooke

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Waiting for Kendall to be done with his surgery reminded me a little of the day Logan got his leg amputated. We were forced to sit in the waiting room, wondering if it would turn out okay. His surgeon, Dr. Carlisle, seemed pretty optimistic about it, but I’d learned not to trust optimism. Many times, when people acted optimistic, they were faking it so you wouldn’t freak out. I was too smart for those people.

Maybe I was being a downer, but I refused to get my hopes up until we were allowed into Kendall’s room and were able to see him alive and well. 

I sat in that waiting room, praying silently, and trying to avoid eye contact with Jade. After she kissed me two days before, things had been majorly weird between us. Like, this morning, I’d found her scribbling in her notebook and when I asked her what she was doing, she was all “Oh, nothing” and WALKED AWAY.

I looked over at Jo, who was sitting next to Katie. The blonde hair that made her wig was pulled into a ponytail and she would occasionally get up and start pacing the room. I did the same thing at one point, but had gotten tired and was forced to sit down for a while. So now I was sitting in a chair across from Jade’s, looking down at my phone’s screen.

When she stood up and left, my first instinct was (quite unexpectedly) to go after her. I walked a few feet behind her, because 1) I was too weakened to walk any faster and 2) I didn’t want her to know I was following.

I finally saw her enter the music room, peeking inside. She sat down at the piano, letting her fingers gently brush the white and black keys. She opened her notebook then and sat it in front of her.

“I’m losing myself, trying to compete, with everyone else, instead of just being me. Don’t know where to turn, I’ve been, stuck in this routine. I need to, change my ways, instead of always being weak...”

The song. It seemed to mirror her life so well and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. On a different note, it was one of those songs that you couldn’t help getting stuck in your head.  I wanted to sing along, if I only had the lyrics memorized. She seemed so passionate about it too.

“I don’t wanna be afraid! I wanna wake up feeling, beautiful, today. And know that I’m okay, cause everyone’s perfect in unusual ways. You see, I, just wanna believe in me.” She stopped for a moment, emitting a shaky breath before continuing. “The mirror can lie, doesn’t show you what’s inside. Doesn’t, show you what’s inside. And it, it can tell you you’re full of life. It’s amazing what you can hide, just by putting on a smile.”

I wanted to hold her. I got what she was saying through this song and it broke my heart because I knew how much of a toll the eating disorder had taken on her. Of course, I knew she wouldn’t let me get too close, especially not after the near make out incident the other day. I didn’t understand, though. She kissed me and now she wants nothing to do with me? I...I...I liked her, as more than a friend, but she had no idea.

“I’m not gonna bite your head off if you come in, you know.”

“I wouldn’t have thought of that.” I retorted, finally stepping into the room. I breathed in, finally sitting beside her on the piano bench. We both avoided looking at each other, although I hated that it was like this all because of a kiss. It made me wonder if she even really liked me, if she’d kissed me just for the hell of it.

“Any particular reason you’re being such an asshole?”

“Because you’ve been ignoring me for two days!”