I Won't Give Up (A Big Time Rush Fanfiction)

Help, I Think I'm Falling

This chapter is pretty sad, but the next chapter is probably gonna be more lighthearted! Maybe a few sad moments, but mostly happy :) Oh, and there's gonna be some Carlos stuff. xoxoxo, Brooke

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JAMES’ POV

There always comes that point where you just can’t take it anymore. You’ve been through so much for long until you just...snap. By this point, I was in that exact position. Maybe I was being selfish, though. Who knows? I just knew that I was sick and tired of hurting and seeing my friends hurt. I was becoming more and more resentful towards those who were healthy and allowed to go home to their families everyday. How dare they have it better than us, right?

I was standing on the rooftop now, staring out at the small town I called home. I wanted an escape from this. A release. Something to get my mind off of the pain I was feeling inside. I had never felt such a desperation before.

The cigarettes. Jade kept a pack of cigarettes hidden somewhere around here. I thought Dr. Rivers had taken them away, but Jade’s friend was always bringing her more, which she would promptly put in her special hiding place. I just had to find them and I would be okay. It would bring me relief.

“Okay, where are you?” I whispered, making my way around a corner. I searched and I searched, but I could never find the cigarettes. I was beginning to get nervous, until I saw a familiar pack sitting behind a single brick. Slowly, I knelt down and picked it up, staring at the label. I bit my lip, guilt arising once again. I shouldn’t do this.

But the lighter was right there.

Ugh.....

I swallowed as I leaned against the concrete wall, my eyes closed. I was totally spiraling out of control and I knew it. How could I ever--

I was really beginning to hate myself.

“James David Diamond, what are you doing?!” Mom’s shocked voice gasped as she ran over to me, yanking the cigarette and lighter from my hand and throwing it aside. “How could you--James, you could get a lung infection!” 

“Mom, please, I--” I was far too exhausted to argue with her. So she had no difficulty pulling me back towards the elevator. 

“Honestly, James, I just don’t know what to do with you anymore! First, you leave campus without permission and nearly risk your health, and now you’re willing risking it even more by smoking? I am so disappointed, James.”

I narrowed my eyes, aviding looking at her. I didn’t understand what gave her the right to criticize me like that. Yeah, she was my mother and she had authority, but I was almost eighteen years old. So when could I start making my own decisions?

“The cancer is killing me anyway, so why not speed up the process?” I quipped, scoffing to myself. All was silent after that. I knew I’d just hurt her more than ever before, but what could I do? I honestly believed that I was simply speaking the truth. I wasn’t crazy, I was honest, and in my mind, I didn’t see myself lasting much longer.

“Just...go back to your room.” Mom instructed as the elevator doors reopened. “I need to speak with Dr. Rivers.”

“Fine.” I growled, returning to my room. I watched as she walked back to the elevator, glaring hardly. Then, once she disappeared, I walked back out and towards another elevator, knowing that there was only one person who would truly listen to me right now.  

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Beep...beep....beep....beep....