The Beaten up nerd and the sucked in bad boy (Under Editing)

Chapter 19 - What Do I Say?

Not edited

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter...

Clarke's POV

My first day of school had been and gone, and it as the best day I've had learning something new in a long time, and not only that i had the boy i once thought was a total douche bag and prick by my side. Id never thought in a billion years id be friends or remotely anything more with Blake Ryder, but how was i supposed to tell him truely how i feel, it just isn't something right with him, he is there for me. However, i can't tell it he is being completely honest.

The first day was over and Blake and I drive in peaceful silence all the way home, the boys however, decided to all go on a big date with each other and there girlfriends, but Blake said he needed to go home and do some work. We drove up his long driveway and i could see his sister had already gotten home, from a friends parent, so as soon as we drove by her i waved and she did back. I suddenly spoke up.

"Blake i need to know something, and say something..." i looked over him and he nodded. "So the thing is i appreciate you so much and you know that, and over these last couple of weeks we've grown close,youve taken care of me and so many other things, but what i still don't get and i know you know that i think something is going on you won't tell me, my father was in a gang, he was one horrible man who gave me away to that...." i started hyperventilating just thinking about his face, but i pushed it away from my mind and continued on. "Anyway, I'm not thinking about that, its just i think your hiding something from me and i don't want you to go through anything alone" Blake still sat there silently pulling into the garage of the house. 

Minutes later i was still waiting for his reply but nothing came. "Blake" i touched his shoulder slightly. He suddenly though pushed me away, which made me flinched, i hadn't felt like somebody was going to hurt me in a while and the way he just reacted definitely did.

"Look here, i saw something in you.. and i wanted you safe, but you and me will never happen i don't want you getting hurt you don't deserve living in a life of danger, not anymore and the best i can do is keep you out of harms way.. But no way in hell will you ever be with me all your here for is protection" Blake's outburst was quite quick but soon as he finished speaking, he opened and slammed the car door behind him walking away. I sat there silently, just trying to keep calm as tears escaped my eyes. I didn't even say anything about us being together, sure i was thinking it was... but man did that hurt. 

After about an hour of just sitting there, i make my way out of the car, and into the house up to one of the rooms i had been given to Blake just incase i wanted to be by myself, so i entered it and locked the door behind me, making it over to the bathroom i looked at myself in the mirror.

"What is wrong with you Clarke, why do you trust people, why do people protect you... You don't deserve anyone, not even yourself" i said to myself as i was looking in the mirror. 

'What is wrong with me not even Blake wanted me, and others in my past treated me like a plastic bag, which they could just chuck out to die and breakdown' 

many thoughts crossed my mind, as i undressed and hoped in the shower sitting down. From then on i cried and cried and cried underneath the water, just letting the thoughts wonder in my head and as i thought, I felt numb and saw at the same time.

 I had just gotten over being in my fathers house and him selling me and other's using me just for sex and torture, but then again i hadn't. It was just little things like Blake's outburst, that really got to me thinking again, the i was really in my mind, and that i didn't think id be able to get back, little glance of hope here and there certainly, gave me hope. However, deep inside, my depression, my anxiety and  thoughts of killing myself, still sat there, waiting to came out.

I didn't know what to do, the pain from my past was rising up again, i wanted nothing more then to just let everything go, but i couldn't, my mind mentally wouldn't let me. 

About a couple of hours just sitting under the water, i got out of the shower and dressed in some pyjamas. Why do i always get my hopes up, life will never change for me, no one will like me or love me.

I just stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom, and stared at my reflection, nothing about me is normal, I'm strange, I'm weird, and I'm nothing but someone people will use of think of as a doll to play with. I slammed my fists against the counter of the bathroom and tears started to run down my face, why me why now...

 I Cant handle it anymore, life for me has been nothing but horrible, since i lost my mother... she was my whole world, even if i was lonely, she was my friend my best friend. Sill my though started to trust again and think i would have a new friend and that was Blake, and i know I'm sensitive, but i can't stop the way my brain thinks, its just me and i can't change that. 

I looked back up at myself and thought there is only one solution, that if i really was a burden, like my father suggested and those assholes who tired me up and raped me, then maybe i shouldn't be here. I leant over and locked the bathroom door and searched around for some sort of sharp blade, stumbling through the draws i found a single blade... I stared at it and contemplated what i should do next....