A Fangirl's Fantasy

32: Imitate

Did I really fall? Do I really love him? Why.. why so sudden? Why can't I say it? Bakit walang lumalabas sa bibig 'ko na mahal 'ko nga siya. Bakit sobrang hirap para sa akin aminin na pareho kami ng nararamdaman? Hindi kaya.. bilang idol lang talaga? Bilang fan niya ay mahal 'ko siya.

Pero kung higit pa duon.. mahal 'ko nga ba?

Hindi 'ko rin ine-expect na uubusin namin ang buong araw namin ngayon na magkasama pagkatapos no'ng napag usapan namin kahapon. Masasabi 'kong sobrang daming naghahanap kay Yildeen lalo na ang mga reporters para interview-hin siya patungkol sa pagtigil niya bigla sa kaniyang career sa kalagitnaan ng kanilang shooting.

At some point, i have this feeling - na malaki ang naging kasalanan 'ko dito. Feeling 'ko ay ako ang may nagawang hindi maganda at hindi si Yildeen. Without him being direct to me, nagets 'ko na rin agad.

I succeed. He fell inlove with me. But then.. that has been the effect of me trying hard to make him fall not even thinking what could happen next. I was too desperate to escape that i didn't think of other's feelings. Yildeen, here, is a very famous soloist and an actor.

Givin' up his career seems to not be his plan since then. But the moment i stepped in to this world, everything has changed. His dreams that are about to completely come true got posponed. I ruined it.. i ruined everything.

I was too selfish. Ngayon pa ako hindi naging makasarili kung kailan na nanyari na. He can't go out with me becuse of the reporters who are staying overnight at the ground floor. Waiting for Yildeen to come out and explain everything. What if.. I convince him? To not do this. To continue reaching for his dream?

Pero paano naman ako? “Dmn it, self. How could you be so selfish?” i said to myself after taking at long bath.

“Ssh, baby. I can hear you from here.”

Natigil ako sa pagpunas ng buhok dahil sa gulat 'ko no'ng may magsalita sa isip 'ko. What the hell? Anong BABY? Kailan pa nauso sa kaniya ang endearments? The real Yildeen i know, from an interview, he said that if he had a girlfriend, he'd prefer her to call him by his name and same goes with his girlfriend. Tsk.

Everything in here is so fake! Everything in here is just a dream. Everything is just a dream! I can't imagine Yildeen being so clingy towards his girlfriend because he's been always cold, calm and sometimes bubbly (just sometimes, pag feel lang niya). But the Yildeen right now.. sobrang layo! Ang layo layo talaga!

In short, Hindi ako kumportable.

Nang matapos na akong mag ayos, tulad nang napagusapan namin kagabi, Yildeen will come over here. Gusto 'ko sanang magpa request ng Bicol Express sa kaniya kasi sobrang tinatamad akong magluto ngayon kaso nakakahiya. Hindi ba nga't sabi niya, hindi siya mahilig o magaling magluto? So, ako talaga ang naka toka sa pagluto ngayon.

Few minutes later, sa kalagitnaan nang paghahain 'ko ng mga plato sa lamesa ay may nagdoorbell. Expected na rin naman na si Yildeen 'yon, e. Pinagbuksan 'ko siya ng pinto ni hindi 'ko naalalang may suot nga pala akong apron na color pink na polkadots.

Napatungo ako sa hiya. Nabigla ako no'ng tapikin niya ulo 'ko, “You look tired. Okay lang naman kahit hindi na ako kumain.”