Broken Wings

Chapter 40: James

"Got one life, just live it." - Usher

Sasha

"Guess what?" He smirked as he placed me on the bed later that night.

It was actually two in the morning when we got home. We both got undressed and climbed into bed. I've gotten pretty comfortable sleeping naked with him, as long as we kept our door locked.

"What?" I intertwined my hands together at the back of his neck.

His lips stopped before mine, leaving them hovering. "I love you."

Those very words still had my heart beating right out of my chest. "I love you more."

Then, not resisting it any longer, I pulled him in, closing the tiny distance between us and kissed him with as much passion as I could, but he pulled away a little sooner than I wanted him to.

"Luke? What's wrong?"

He closed his eyes for a second before leaning back against the wall. "Do you ever think about it?"

"Think about what?" I crawled on top of his lap.

"If I'm good for you at all?"

"Luke, what are you talking about?"

"I can't believe after everything that has happened, you've decided to love me. I just feel like, I don't deserve someone as good as you."

My forehead creased in confusion. "What are you trying to say?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I guess I'm afraid to lose you all over again."

"Why would you think that?"

He sighed. "Before I met you, I..."

"You what?"

"I want to tell you so bad, but I don't know if I can."

"You can tell me anything, Luke."

His chest rose as he took a deep breath and began. "I'm not what you think I am, Sasha."

I waited for him to say more.

"Before I met you, everyone called me like... the dangerous one, or whatever. I always lost my control. Every time someone made a joke, I took it too seriously. I was way worse than Chris used to be. I had a friend, the best friend I could ask for. Whenever I would lose control, he let me hit him. It became a habit. When he knew I needed to hit something, when I was angry with someone or myself, he would offer himself.

"My parents never understood why I was like that, but they accepted it. One night, almost a year before I met you, James─my best friend─invited me to a party. It was the first time I had ever gotten drunk and the night of my first kiss. She was bossy, but I loved her for some reason. Everyone was watching when I kissed Kat. I was embarrassed and mad when they started teasing us. So, I left the party right after that before I could lose my control and hit someone."

He shut his eyes again before he could let the tears flow down from his eyes. "I decided to walk home alone, not bothering to look for James.

"But I saw paramedics and polices at the end of the street. I saw blood on the ground. I saw... I saw... I saw him on the ground. The paramedics lifted him up into the ambulance while the police were holding back two other guys. It took...  a lot of power to not lose my control to beat those kids. I never saw James after that. The guys who killed him both ended up in jail."

Then, he let go of his tears. I wrapped my arms around his torso to comfort him.

That's what I saw in his eyes when I first saw him. Damage.

"After the funeral, Katherine told me something I never knew about James. He had a girlfriend."

I knew this was going to be bad because he took a hesitant breath. "She told me that she was his girlfriend. So, why did she kiss me? She never told me why. But I couldn't stay mad at her. They had been dating for two years and he meant so much to the both of us.

"When we offically started dating, I stopped. I stopped fighting. I learned to have some self control. But not enough.

"A year later, we moved to Bar Harbor. My parents excuse was that my dad wanted to find a simple job and a simple life instead of the natural LA chaos we had gotten used to. But I knew the real reason. They wanted me to start over, move on without James."

He smile creeped on his lips. "And there you were, shining like a light in my darkness. You made me want to be good. Be better. I tried, even though you hated me. I wanted you. So bad. I still lose control sometimes but you changed me.

"Even when we had to move back to Los Angeles, I didn't go back to who I used to be. You have no idea how proud my parents were when you came into my life."

I could finally understand why he still lost control sometimes. It used to be a habit, and he was letting it go.

Because of me.

It was hard to believe that I was the one who had changed him to be a better person.

"You made me smile. You made me laugh," he continued.

Then, his smile faded. "I'm afraid to lose you like I lost him. Or when you almost got killed by Chris, the fire in your house. I had never been hurt so much in my life when you decided to leave me. I had never felt so guilty."

"Luke," I said when he wouldn't continue.

He opened his eyes, which were now red from trying to hold his tears back. "That's the real me. I don't deserve someone as good as you."

"Your past doesn't define who you are now, Luke."

"You're not mad?"

"Of course I'm mad. I'm angry that they killed James."

"But what about me?"

"What about you?"

"Aren't you angry with me?"

"No, I'm not. I'm just happy that you found your sunshine."

He grinned. "You have no idea how much I love you."

"Let me rephrase that for you: you have no idea how much I want to take you to bed right now."

He raised his eyebrows and chuckled. "You got that right."

"Did you ever think about going to see a therapist for your temper issues?" I asked.

"My parents brought up the idea a few times but I didn't bother because I never wanted to talk about it."

"God, I'm so sorry this happened to you."

"Don't be. You changed my life, you changed me."

"Well, in that case, I'm glad."

He smiled widely. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you."