Dysfunctional (Sequel to Soft Whispers)

Attempts

I couldn't get out of bed. 

I didn't want to get out of bed.

I wasn't going to get out of bed. 

It was Sunday and this always happens.

I have a good day, which was me and Chresanto's date, then I always have a bad day to follow.

I guess the reason I have these bad days right after a good one is because I think that I'm going to be okay. That there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm not missing something important in my life. I had this long conversation with Jacob last night and it was pure hell because he sounded so damn distraught when he was apologizing for killing himself. He said he was a coward for going out the way he did, and that he should've stuck around and dealt with it all. Of course, I told him that he wasn't a coward; but he wouldn't believe me.

Because it's true.

I'm a coward for hanging myself, Bria.

I should've tried to get better, but I didn't. 

I just took the easy way out. 

And sometimes that's what you have to do, Jacob.

The voices were putting you through pure hell. 

You couldn't take anymore of it.

But I had the pills, Bria.

You don't understand how bad I wanted to take those damn pills.

The voices even said that I could take them, but I didn't. 

I still went with killing myself, because even if I took them and the voices went away, I didn't think I'd be able to go on in life.

I just didn't want to fucking breath anymore.

Jacob. 

I know you don't want to hear it, and I'm sorry; but Bria, I just.... I didn't want to live anymore and I hung myself, which is so cowardly because I could've gotten better.

I hurt so many people with what I did. 

I hurt my mom, to the point where she can't even go into my room because it hurts her so much to remember. I took her only son away from her.

I hurt Jordan, when she found out she was crying so damn hard, and Ray literally had to hold her close to him because all she did was shake and cry. 

I hurt Jazmyne, even though she didn't react like Jordan, you still could see in her eyes that she was sad. She was holding her emotions in, and that is no way to deal with it. 

I hurt Rayan, he still feels guilty that he didn't answer the phone when I called him the night I killed myself. He thinks that maybe if he had talked to me before I slipped my head into that noose knot, he could've saved me.

I hurt Chresanto, even though I fucking hate the damn bastard, I still hurt him. He was accused of being the reason as to why I killed myself. Do you know how bad that is? Being the reason as to why someone took a handful of pills, or shot themselves, or jumped? Or in my case, wanted to slit their fucking wrists so damn deep that I'd die instantly, but didn't because I didn't want to leave a mess for someone else to clean up. 

And god dammit, Bria. I hurt you so fucking bad, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you feel as if it's your fault, because it's not. It's not your fault that I killed myself, it's my own. I'm so sorry that I'm putting you through all of this, I'm the reason you don't talk anymore. That you're depressed, that you sometimes want to disappear and stop breathing yourself. God, I hurt you so, so bad. I hurt you the most of all and with every passing second, I still am, and I'm just so damn sorry.