Dysfunctional (Sequel to Soft Whispers)

Regret (pt.2)

"Honey, it's not your fault" Ms. Perez said as she came and sat on the other side of me. 

Ray wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. "It's not your fault" he spoke into my hair. 

I shook my head a little. I wanted to tell him that it really was. 

But it's not.

Ms. Perez stood up and found a box of tissues, she held it out for me and I took two. I wiped at my and sat up, Ray rubbed my back. I slowly wiped the words from my whiteboard and picked up the marker. 

Enough about me. How have you been? How's it been since I've last seen you?

"I've been.... It's been hard" she confessed, "I get lonely being in such a big house all by myself". 

I'm sorry to hear.

"I'm barely getting by on bills, but I refuse to sell the house because this is where Jacob's grown up all his life and it's where all of the best memories were made".

I smiled a little and messed with my fingers. 

Ms. Perez looked down at my hands and smiled a little, "Jacob gave that to you, didn't he?" 

I looked at the promise ring he bought for me. He gave it to me when we went on our date. I wear it every day, and I never take it off, except for when I shower or sleep. 

I nodded and looked at her. 

She smiled at me, "he loved you a lot". 

And I still do.

"He'd never stop talking about you, and whenever the voices got to be too much; you'd always be the first person he'd go to". 

I didn't know what to write, so I didn't. I turned my head and let my eyes wander around the room until they landed on the stairs. 

"You can go up to his room, if you'd like. I'm still not ready yet, but if you are, then feel free" Ms. Perez said. 

I looked at her, then at Ray. He nodded a little, "I'll be here waiting for you". 

I slowly stood up and walked to the stairs. I didn't think I was ready either, but for some reason I felt like I owed it to Jacob to at least go up there and look around. 

You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

I walked up the stairs and when I got to the top, I walked to his room. The door was closed. I held tightly onto the tissues that I had. I knew I'd need them. I placed my hand on the door handle and closed my eyes, I slowly opened the door and walked in. Tears were already forming and I hadn't even seen the room yet, but it smelled like him, and I missed that beautiful smell so much. I opened my eyes and looked around. 

It looked as if he still lived here, like he'd come in any moment and just sit down on his bed. Everything looked as it should be. His blinds were slightly open and the curtains were drawn open, his bed was still made, his journal was resting on his nightstand and his closet was open. Wide open. I stared at it and wondered what I would've done if I had found him hanging there. What was it like for Ms. Perez to find her one and only son hanging just a few inches from the floor?

I forced myself to look away, I walked around the room and took a deep breath. I didn't want to ruin anything that was in the room, Ms. Perez probably wanted everything to stay as it was; but I couldn't help myself from laying on his bed and resting my head on his pillow. The tears slipped from my eyes as I laid there and began to remember everything about him.

Bria, don't cry.

I can't help it. I'm sorry.

I wiped my eyes as I began to cry harder.

I miss you so fucking much, Jacob, and I just want you to be with me so bad, or that I can be with you.

You don't want that, and I don't want that.

Why not?

Because the only way you'd be with me, is if you died; and I don't want you to die.

I already want to.

Don't say that. Please?

I held his pillow close to my chest and closed my eyes.

I just miss seeing you, and really being with you.

I know and I really miss you too, but you can't stay like this. It's not good for you.

I know. 

"Bria" I opened my eyes and sat up, I looked at the door and saw Ms. Perez standing off to the side. Her back was to me, I forgot; she hadn't seen the room since Jacob died. 

"It's still the same, isn't it?" She asked lightly. 

I looked around the room again. 

"I'm sorry, I know you won't answer me".

I looked at her. 

"I miss him so much".

I miss you, too.

I stood up and walked over to Ms. Perez. I gave her a small smile and took her hand in mine. I looked at his room that was behind her. 

She shook her head a little, "I can't".

I nodded a little, I didn't want to pressure her into going in the room, but I thought it'd be best if she did. To see what's really left of Jacob.

I gave her a soft tug and she reluctantly allowed me to pull her into the room.

"Oh, God, it's like he never left" she whispered as she looked around, she walked over to his bed and sat down.

I watched as she pulled his pillow to her, "my baby's gone, he's really gone". She sniffed and wiped away her tears. "I could've done better as a mother".

That's not true. You were the best mom, and you did everything that you could to help me.

She picked up Jacob's notebook and slowly began to leaf through it.

That's not a good idea. I don't think she needs to look through that. She's going to find something that's going to break her.

I watched as Ms. Perez suddenly set the book down and erupted into tears. She stood up and walked pass me, "I'm sorry, excuse me for a moment" she apologized before leaving.

I turned and looked at the book, I walked over to it.

Don't look at it, Bria. Seriously.

Why?

Just don't.

I slowly picked up the notebook.

I heard Jacob sigh.

I looked at the open page and saw all capital letters that formed the words: I WANT TO DIE.

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Sorry for any mistakes, I didn't proof read. 

Love,

Me.