Dysfunctional (Sequel to Soft Whispers)

Can't Go On

I was a horrible mess by the time Chresanto got to the house. I was still in the bathroom and I was still cutting away at my poor skin. I felt like shit, I probably looked like it too. I wasn't expecting Chresanto to get here so fast. 

"Bria" I heard him say from the other side of the door. 

I sniffed and looked up from my arm. 

"I know you probably don't want to hear this, but could you please open the door?"

Come on, Bri.

"I'd love to see you, baby girl".

No you don't. I look horrible.

I slid the board underneath the door.

"I highly doubt that".

He slid it back. 

I didn't write anything back.

I stared at the cuts I had made. I felt myself slipping again.

Slipping deeper

And deeper

And deeper

Into the sadness.

"Baby, let me help you".

I rubbed at my eyes and despite what I really wanted to do, I unlocked the door. I watched it open and saw Chresanto. Where was my brother?

My eyes were red and puffy as I looked up at him. He looked at me. I shook my head a little and began to make deep criss cross cuts on my arm and wrist. At this point, I didn't care if I was ruining my skin in front of him.

"Bria" he said lightly, he walked over and sat in front of me. I sniffed and looked at him through my glossy eyes. "You've gotta stop" he stated, he looked down at my bloody wrists. "You can't keep doing this to yourself".

My tears cascaded down my face as I thought about what he said. I just looked at him. I couldn't say anything, and even if I could, I probably wouldn't; I'd be too afraid of what I might say.

Chresanto pulled me into him and hugged me. "You've got to stop. Please". His voice went up a couple octaves and he erupted into tears. Hearing him say those words to me, and feeling his body shake against mine as he cried, it made me realize that he was hurting too. I was hurting him, and knowing this; I cried harder.

I wrapped my arms around him and we cried and my blood stained the back of his shirt, and I hoped he didn't mind.

"You can't keep going on like this" he whispered, he sniffed and rubbed my back. "You've got to... To get help, to get better". I nodded a little and hid my face in the crook of his neck. I took a deep breath. I was drained, my body was aching and my cuts were throbbing.

Chresanto rocked back and forth and I slowly closed my eyes. I breathed out slowly and he carefully stopped rocking. "Do you want to lay down? I can take you to your room?".

I nodded.

He stood up and lifted me from the ground, he carried me to my room and carefully placed me on the bed.

"Where do you guys keep the bandages and stuff like that?" He asked, "in the bathroom?"

I nodded and watched him leave the room.

"You're okay" Ray said as he walked into my room. I looked at him and nodded just a bit. He knelt down and kissed my forehead, I watched him leave.

Minutes passed and Chresanto came back with gauze, bandaids, a wet washcloth, cotton swabs, and healing ointment. I watched him walk up to me and I held my left wrist out to him. He carefully wiped the blood away and began to bandage my wrist and every time I'd flinch or wince in pain, he would apologize.

Flinch.

"Sorry".

Wipe wrist.

Wince.

"I'm sorry".

Bandage cuts.

Whimper in pure pain.

"I'm so, so fucking sorry".

He quickly finished one wrist and managed to bandage the other one up with minimal apologizes. I looked at him and he threw the bloody cotton swabs away, he set everything else on the dresser. 

"Are you okay now?" He asked lightly. 

I didn't know how to answer that. Physically? Yes. Mentally? No. Not at all. 

I nodded a little. I motioned for him to come and lay with me because honestly, I wanted to feel him against me; to know that he was there. He nodded and took off his shoes before slipping underneath the blanket. I curled up beside him and he pulled his shirt from over his head and I looked at my stained blood on the back of the light material, he did too. 

I reached over and picked up my whiteboard:

I promise I'll buy you a new shirt.

He chuckled and shook his head, "no, it's fine".

I think I should buy you a new one.

"You don't have to, it's just a shirt". 

But you liked that shirt.

"Why do you say that?" 

You told me.

"When?"

Two weeks ago.

"You remember me telling you I liked this shirt two weeks ago?" 

I nodded. 

I remember everything about you. All the little things. Like that you put the dot on your I's first, and that you tye your right shoe first, then the left. Or that you like the way soda sounds when you open a brand new bottle, like the fizzle sound. You said it's interesting to hear.

"Should I be worried that you notice all these things?" He asked curiously as he looked at me. 

I shrugged a little. 

If you want to, it'll just be one more thing to add to my list of things that I remember about you.

"You're so weird" he laughed, "really weird". 

I smiled as I listened to his laughter, it was light and really nice to hear. He laid back and I looked at the ceiling, "but I love you for it" he murmured. 

I rested my head on his chest and my fingers brushed across his stomach. I listened to his heartbeat and closed my eyes.

"Can you promise me something?"

I guess.

"Promise me you'll try, I know you've been trying for a while now, but please, just promise me that no matter what happens, that you keep trying".

I promise.

"I just want you to be happy. I don't want you to have to live your life feeling like you don't belong, that you're not worth it. I don't want you to feel that way because I fucking love you to death and I just want you to be happy".

I let him gently bring me on top of him and I rested my head back on his chest. "You deserve to live, you really do".

I closed my eyes and I felt the way I did a couple of days ago, I felt content....

But then....

I felt myself slip.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry for any mistakes, and also for taking a while to update. 
Love,
Me.