my light

8-why I did what I did

Sean

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I called Kaycee again. No answer. "Kaycee?" I yelled, my voice going over the campus buildings and echoing out. It was dark out. "KAYCEE?"

"SEAN!" I heard the scream.

"KAYCEE!"

"SEAN! HURRY! PLEASE!" The desperation in her voice broke my heart. "SEAN!"

"WHERE ARE YOU?"

"SEAN! HURRY!" Kaycee's screams grew louder. I started running. But everytime I tried to take a step further, I was slammed on my back. "SEAN!"

"I CAN'T GET THERE!"

"SEAN! HELP ME!"

"DAMNIT!" I screamed, throwing myself forwards. But again, I was slammed onto my back in the grass. I grabbed fistfuls of the greenery and tore it from the ground, screaming loud sobs as sweat dripped down my face along with the tears. "SEAN!" Kaycee screamed, and suddenly, a flash of lightning, a clap of thunder, and all was silent. I slowly got up and tentatively tried to take a step forward. Nothing pushed me back. I took another, then another, until I was running, screaming out her name, but nothing. I rounded the corner, and there she was, unmoving, still.

"KAYCEE! KAYCEE! Kaycee, no-" I choked out. "Kaycee, please, wake up," I said, shaking her. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! COME ON KAYC YOU GOTTA WAKE UP!" I shook her harder, but her eyes were fluttered shut, her lips still pink, her face innocent. She looked like she was sleeping. "Please, Kayc," my voice broke as my body convulsed with my cries. "You gotta wake up." But she didn't. And as the rain began, the stormclouds gathering overhead, I laid myself on top of her, guarding her from anyone who could possibly disturb us, sobbing. The only thing that could go through my mind at that very minute was that it was my fault. You were too late, Lew, my brain taunted. She would still be here if it weren't for you.

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I jolted awake as the thunder rumbled overhead, creating an explosive noise that rattled the whole house. My bedsheets were clenched in my fingers. Tears were hot on my face. I turned my head and saw my curtains fluttering, the rain beating the porch outside my room. Then I slowly turned my head to the other side, afraid of what I could see. 

But what I saw made all my fears immediately dissipate.

Kaycee Caitlin Rice was asleep in my bed, in my clothes, the gentle rise and fall of her chest and her soft breathing indicating that she was very much alive indeed, tucked into where my arm had been wrapped around her before I had a nightmare. When I shifted back to holding her, exhaling my worries out with my air, she stirred and turned over. I held my breath, trying not to let her know I was awake. She turned over slowly, checking my alarm clock. I stole a glance. 3:30. "Sean?" she mumbled sleepily. I smiled, a wave of relief crashing over me and swallowing me. 

"Mmmhmm?"

"You're....awake," she slurred. "Are you....ok?"

"I'm good, I'm good, Kayc. Just go back to sleep," I said, trying not to have her too close to my chest where she could feel my heart going a thousand miles a minute. She groaned slightly and moved herself closer to me again. I looked down, feeling a rush of protectiveness as I saw her, in my clothes, her curly hair in her face, her eyelashes delicate and dainty like everything about her was, her lips pink and inviting, her face innocent-I shuddered, it was exactly how it was in my dream-and curious. She was snuggled into me, even though I was the hurt one. I was taking care of her. I ran my hands through her hair as I tried to settle back in. Kaycee was slowly and silently stroking my thumb as she held my fingers loosely, and her breathing turned to deep breaths that showed she was in a slumber again. 

For a while, we were both quiet. I was just about to drift awake when I heard her again. "Sean, why did you do it?"

"Do what?" I asked, genuinely confused. 

"You got into a fight...with those....boys. You could...beat them....anyday," she said. I wasn't sure if she was actually awake or just sleeptalking, recalling today's events in her subconscious. I leaned up and saw that she was indeed awake, her eyelids barely open, but still cracked slightly.

"Well," I said, only admitting the truth because I was almost positive she wouldn't remember any of this in the morning. "I did it because I let them hurt you. And I love you. I shouldn't let anyone hurt you. And then I reacted the wrong way," I said, cringing at the memories that rushed back as I recounted what was going through my head earlier to her, "And you told me I was worse than they were. And you were right, Kaycee Rice. You always are. So I let them beat me up. But nothing, swear on my life, Kayc, nothing is worse than the fear of losing you."

She said nothing for a while. Then I heard a muffled cry. "Because of me? It's because...of me?"

"No no no no," I said quickly. "Look at me, look at me." She slowly rose up and beseeched me with her big brown puppydog eyes. Tears welled at the corner. "I got hurt because I hurt you. I was wrong. And now we're even, right?" 

She sniffled. "Hey," I nudged her. "You're ok. We're ok." 

"But you're not," she said, and I sighed. "Yeah, but that's not because of you. That's because of me, and me being stupid."

There was a soft laugh, but it didn't last long. I sat up and repositioned my pillows. "Come here."

She crawled up next to me, and sat, leaning against the good side of my body, and I wrapped my arm around her side, letting it rest under her chest. "I love you. You are so good for me. Never forget that." I kissed the top of her head, and let my chin rest there. I buried it in her hair, taking in her fresh, floral scent that radiated from her curls, and a sense of peace and serenity that I haven't felt in a while, not even from dance, came over me. 

"I love you," I reminded her.

"You just said that," she said. I grinned. How could I not have told her sooner? She was so little. So adorable. So pure and innocent. At that moment, there was nothing more that I wanted than to stay there forever, and eventually, become so encased in Kaycee Rice's world and she in mine, that neither would be complete without the other. I knew I needed her, but I never knew I needed her like this. 

But now that I know, I can't let her go. 

That would be the biggest mistake I could make.

"Are you gonna say it back?" I lightly teased her.

"Not yet," she said. I sighed. I guess that it's true when they say nothing worth having comes easy. "Goodnight, Sean."

"Goodnight, princess."