my light

44-fall in love again

Kaycee

___________

For a West Coast girl, East Coast New Years is a big deal. Especially since I was going to be in the hotspot of the East Coast celebrations, New York City, five seconds from Times Square, where Kylie and I watched through a TV screen an overhyped disco ball plummet from a skyscraper that looked nothing like L.A. Pre-recorded, of course. It was also kinda crazy to think I was going to be in the new year 3 hours before Mom and Kylie and all the people in my life back home, and a little weird. Like I was heading into my new year without them. They were three hours behind. And what felt like a lifetime away.

But first, to get through to New Years, I had to make it through the Cut. 

"Hey, you ok?" Sean's concerned eyes searched mine yet again. "I'm fine," I shook my head. "Just a little nervous."

"This isn't nervous," he said. I was rubbing off on him, even though I didn't mean to. After being partners for so long, we had that effect on each other. "Just-" I started to say something, but thought better of it. "This is a big dance," I covered it up quickly. Not before we went on stage. And after the calls I'd had with Kylie and my mom when I told them I wasn't coming home for Christmas, we needed more than anything to stay in the competition.

*******FLASHBACK********

"Hey, Kayc! I'm on the way to pick you up!" Kylie's chipper voice rang through the speaker of my phone. "Traffic is bad though," she said, pausing to honk her horn and yell indistinctly. "Sorry, Kayc," she said, and I faintly murmured something along the lines of it being ok. "Nothing's changed, and it's not really exciting here like New York. But I can't wait for you to come back and we can-oh wow, I'm just so grateful Sean got you that ticket. He was trying, but I wasn't sure if it would work but-"

"Kylie," I said sharply, cutting her off. I hated myself for what I was about to do, but I went through with it anyway. "I'm not coming home. I'm staying in New York. Until the show is over."

"Wha-what?" she fumbled over the words. I blinked back tears and Sean squeezed my hand as he watched me from his seat next to me on the couch. "There's just a lot going on right now," I said, slowly exhaling. "And I just need to focus."

"Kaycee, I don't understand-you can take time off-that was the whole point," she said, tears evident through her sniffles. I hated myself. I really did. "It would just be a lot," I sighed, rubbing my temples. "I really want to come home, Ky. More than anything. I just can't do it right now. But I'll be back soon, ok? I promise."

"Kaycee, what am I supposed to tell Mom?" she cried indignantly. "That you're packing up and leaving us, just like Dad?"

"Kylie, it's not like that, God. If you were just here you'd see," I said, rolling my eyes. "Just be happy for me for once, okay?"

"Mom's struggling to keep the studio open," she snapped, "Paying for all your stupid fancy dance things you just had to take elsewhere. Pay it forward Kaycee, Jesus. You're suddenly so selfish, nothing like L.A. Kaycee. If I were Mom, I'd be moving all too quick to get you back here. Where you belong."

"God, shut up Kylie!" I screamed, slamming the phone onto the table. Sean jumped. "Just accept that you're jealous of me for everything that I'm doing now! I can't help it you got addicted with Brad in high school and that messed everything up for you. I can't help that. Stop blaming me when you're the one who ruined your life."

And I hung up.

"You ok?" Sean asked, his eyes wide. "Why wouldn't I be?" I retorted. He flinched, and I sighed and put my face in my hands. He rubbed my back and I looked up at him, and his eyes instantly softened. I was lucky. Nobody else would put up with this shit. "I've just never seen you guys fight like that, that's all," he said, soothingly rubbing circles. "If you need me, to talk or anything, I'm here."