Magcon fan fiction - Waves

Chapter 42

Hayes POV

After my outburst I made my way home.

All I saw was her staring back at me speechless after I said it.

Every last shred of hope that maybe she felt the same way died in me.

Now I knew she didn't and it hurt like nothing I had ever felt before.

I shouldn't of done that I thought

I was sure I had ruined everything, I had been horrible to her,I should of just kept my mouth shut.

Hazel wasn't going to speak to me after what I had done.

I sat alone in the sitting room, thoughts running through my mind.

Again I found myself completely alone, having no one to talk to.

I didn't know what to do but just sit there, thinking of Hazel.

I hated myself, I truly did.

~

My appointment was that night and mom drove me there.

We sat in silence for the whole drive, I didn't know what to even say to her.

"So, how do you think it's gonna go then?" she asked me as she drove into the centre.

I just shrugged looking out the window.

I didn't want the counsellors help.

"Hayes honey I know it's hard. But you need to talk to somebody, she can help you through this. Tell her everything"

Mom looked really worried and stressed, for her sake I nodded smiling at her before I got out of the car giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Get the help that you need Hayes. You deserve to be happy"

She walked into the clinical looking building with me and sat in the waiting room.

I had been here once before, and from whatever assessment she had taken she had decided what was wrong with me.

'Suffering from severe anxiety, verging on depression'

Of course mom had told her everything about my past, the bullying and how unhappy I was.

She welcomed me into her spotlessly clean office trying to make it seem much more casual and friendly then it really was.

Her office was bleak and dull. There were photographs and books on the bookcase to make it look like a friendly, relaxed environment even though we all knew it wasn't.

Even on my first appointment I knew I didn't like her.

You could tell she didn't actually care about me, just the pay checks that she would get after each session.

I was just another messed up kid, trapped inside a dark corner of their own mind.

Her smile was fake, her voice emotionless and insincere.

"Hello Hayes, how are you?"

I realised how today was probably the worst day for my counselling.

I was frustrated and annoyed already.

She tutted when I didn't respond writing something down on her clipboard.

Rude, impolite it said.

"Ok then Hayes, obviously today has not been a good day for you, let's play a game"

Play a game? I wanted to get up and throw myself out the window.

"So I am going to name a feeling, just a random feeling from the top of my head"

I looked down at her clipboard seeing a list of different words.

She ignored me continuing.

"And you will tell me if any of these feelings mean anything to you ok? Let's begin"

Wow, an excellent game I thought.

"Happy" she began brightly.

"Nothing" I answered.

"Sad"

"Nothing"

"Angry"

"Nothing"

"Worried"

"Nothing"

"Anxious"

"Nothing"

"Annoyed"

"Nothing"

I threw back each answer as if we were playing a game of basketball, catching her words effortlessly throwing back another answer.

She gave me an exasperated look and scribbled something down on her board.

" What are you feeling then Hayes? Do please share" I could hear an edge of irritation in her voice.

"Nothing" I said coldly. " I feel nothing but emptiness"

I watched her write something else down.

Very troubled, extremely sarcastic negative personality. Moody, unpleasant.

I gritted my teeth, clenching my fists.

"Now Hayes, can you tell me why you feel this way?"

I stood up I couldn't take anymore of her.

She watched me her mouth wide open in shock.

"Thank you for your time" I said sweetly and slammed the door behind me.

Mom was sitting outside the door in the waiting room looking up worriedly when I stormed out of the room.

"Hayes what are you doing?!" she said standing up.

"I'm not sitting in there for a half an hour watching her judge me" I spat, I was frustrated and angry.

I felt guilty looking at my moms voice full of worry.

"Hayes" she said softly.

"You can talk to her, I just can't do it" I said sinking into a chair putting my head in my hands.

All I could think about was Hazel.

She nodded and just then my counsellor opened the door in front of my mom.

"I'm sorr-" my mom began but she cut her off.

"Hayes is not in a great place today and I forgive him for his behaviour" she said.

I wanted to get up and hit her.

"Would like to come in and speak with me for a while Mrs. Grier, we may have a few things to discuss"

My mom followed her into the room, closing the door gently behind her.

I didn't even bother to try listen through the keyhole.

I sat there longing to be at the beach, swimming through the waves taking in the fresh air.

I wished that I could be with Hazel.

I looked down at my phone, no new messages.

My fingers began typing out her number, but I stopped myself.

I knew she wouldn't answer.