love within distance

chapter 14: tears and fears

its been two days since I got the news that we're moving and I have been ignoring nick ever since. I just, I don't know how to tell him I'm leaving I don't want to tell him I'm leaving....I don't want to leave ! I'm so upset about it all and I feel awful for not talking to him I know he's worried about me, he's stopped by 5 times in the past two days. I had my sister tell him I was sick with a stomach flu and then he came by again to see how I was feeling and brought over some chicken noodle soup and Gatorade for me and that just made me feel even worse, he's so sweet and caring...I need to tell him.....today "hey, Allie is here" Casey walks into the bedroom and informs me. "okay, I need to get some clothes on and fix myself up but tell her to come in the room I need to talk to her" I tell my sister. "will do" she replies while leaving the room. Allie already knows I'm moving I told her the day I found out, she was upset but she told me that we would stay friends and she'd come visit me and I can come visit her she also told me to be opened minded and not to worry too much about nick and she's right but its easier said then done. "hey Kristen" Allie says as she walks into the bedroom. "hi" I reply back. while putting some faded blue jeans and a white tank top on. "what's up...have you talked to him yet?" she asks me. "no I was actually fixing to head over there to tell him...I'm just scared Allie I'm so scared" I confess, my voice cracking a bit as I speak...I clear my throat to try and sound okay. but I am no where near okay I don't want to lose nick I'm so afraid he'll be mad at me or he won't want to be friends with me any more I'm also afraid that I'll upset him I know he'll be upset when I tell him and its going to kill me to see him hurt and know its my fault, so many things can happen when I tell him I'm moving...I'm scared for what will happen after the news is out but he needs to know. I need to tell him.

*at his door step*

I don't know how but I found myself outside nicks house. time to tell him... you can do this. I try convincing myself as I walk up to his door step. *knock knock knock* I found the courage to bang on his front door. after what felt like forever, he finally answered. "hey" nick greets cheerfully as he opens the door to find me behind it. "how you feeling?" he asks me. I stare into his eyes for the longest time. he looks so happy to see me, the way he is smiling right now at me is making his eyes sparkle. I don't want this image of him to ever fade but I know as soon as I tell him that I'm moving his beautiful smile will be gone and his eyes will fill with sadness and hurt just think about it makes me feel awful but he must know...time to tell him. "nick.." I start to say, tears already threatening my eyes. nick notices this and his face goes from happy to worried. "Kristy hun, what's wrong?" he asks me in panic and concern. he steps closer to me cupping me face and wiping the tears that have fallen. I can't even speak, I try but words just don't come out. with a lump building up into my throat i try to swallow it down making it harder to speak...I can't look into his eyes like this but when I finally do I lose it. I wrap my arms around his neck and bring us closer to one another. not ever wanting to let him go. I cry into him softly whispering I'm sorry and don't let go.. he holds me tight in place drawling circles onto my lower back. he's holding me with such strength I don't think he wants to let go just as much as I don't want him to...we hold each other for awhile none of us saying anything, not wanting to and afraid to but I eventually pull away from him. now looking up at him, "nick...I hate to say this because telling you this just makes it that more real but...." I start off, nick starts to rub my back in support to go on. I take one long slow deep breath before continuing... "I'm moving..." I finally say. almost inaudible like I said it but didn't say it. my eyes looking down at the ground not able to look at nick right now but I find the strength to glance up at him and I regret it. wondering why he was being so quite now I know...with his jaw clenching, eyes watering..he's crying and my heart is literally breaking seeing him like this and knowing its all my fault. not knowing what to say to make things better, I don't say anything at all instead I decide to do the only thing I know how to do....I hug him...I grab him and I hug him, holding him tight I can feel him relax into my touch..he finally hugs back, staying quite. he cries into me silently...I feel so bad so I hold him tighter. "I'm so sorry nick, please don't hate me" I choke out, finding myself crying once more.

"I could never hate you Kristen, I care too much about you to ever hate you...I'm just upset you're moving is all" he admits to me. his eyes filled with sadness and love. "I know I am too...but I promise I'll come back and see you I have to....I love you nick" I tell him. "you're my best friend" I add. I want to tell him how I really feel but I can't. not now...it wouldn't be fair to him to tell him I love him and then leave him. its not right and I care too much for him to hurt him any further. when I come back if I still feel something towards him I'll tell him and we can see about making it work but until then I'll stay loving him secretly...silently but now I will do that all from a far....I'll have to love him from a distance, for now.