The Queen's Critique Chamber

⚜️Batch 4: Finding the Moon Prince

Royal Critique Work by: @awesomeSTG
Story: Finding the Moon Prince
Written by: @CrazyInPinkCupcake

TITLE: Sweet! Nagustuhan ko po ang title na ginamit mo, miss Cupcake! Isang direct and intriguing title na mapapa-tanong sa mga readers na, "ooh! Maghahanap ng gwapong prinsipe! Gwapo talaga to, sino kaya siya?" Malalaman na agad ng readers na ito ay isang fantasy romance.

BOOK COVER: Hindi naman ako ganun ka-mapili sa mga covers, pero masasabi ko na ang ganda nito! Klarong-klaro ang title at ang author's name, at ang cute ni Julius dito. 😄

DESCRIPTION: Ang iyong description ay maikli lamang at straightforward. This can be both good and kinda bad.

Good, dahil malalaman kaagad ng mga readers kung saan patungo ang daloy ng istoryang ito, via bracelet na may sapi daw. 😂

But on the negative side, may chance na malalaman ng mga readers ang sunod na plot mo, like yung part na ang mundong napuntahan ni Julius ay ang lugar kung saan talaga siya nagmula. Maybe you can cut that part out?

And also, this is fantasy, so acceptable naman kung magpaligoy-ligoy ka muna, but make sure to keep the reader's interest aroused. Pwede naman siguro na ang unang meeting nila ni Adrian ang ilagay mo, what do you say?

PROLOGUE: Well... Since you don't have a prologue, I guess I'll skip to the book content. Though, I suggest that maglagay ka ng prologue. After all, it is the sneak peak that will heighten the curiosity of the readers. This is your choice though, milady. Just suggesting.

BOOK CONTENT: I like the way you play with words, miss Cupcake! Magaling at maganda ang pag-add mo ng humor sa point of view ni Julius. Just a small opinion though, since fantasy story ang sinusulat mo, dapat i-describe mo talaga ng todo-todo ang scenery.

Katulad dun sa chapter two, hindi gaanong na-emphasize ang paligid. But don't just tell, you have to 'show'. Use figures of speech, or sensory images, (not only sight) hearing, smell, touch, and taste. This is pretty much required po para ma-feel din ng mga mambabasa ang nafe-feel ng character.

Also, marami ka pong mga run-on sentences. How to identify them? Basahin niyo po ng malakas ang mga lines ng story, at kung medyo hinahabol mo na ang hininga mo pagdating mo sa period, then voilà! You discovered a run-on sentence.

This will be further discussed and pointed out in the 'technicalities' corner, okay po ba?

CHARACTERS: I personally think na si Julius... Uh... Hindi ko po alam ang surname niya, at kung ilang taong gulang na siya. Maybe you forgot to add that part, or bulag lang talaga ako. Okay, peace out. ✌

Also, na-mention sa story na strict ang dad ni Julius, pero diba, kahit mahigpit yung ama sa anak, nami-miss parin nila ito? Then how come parang walang single shred of emotion si Julius na nawalay siya sa kaniyang ama? Hindi man lang niya na-miss ang kaniyang mundo. Maybe you can find a way to fix this?

Mas maganda din po kung hindi lang parang puro 'innocence & lust' si Adrian. Make a concrete personality out of him, milady, and he'll grow to be a fine, all-rounded character. Si Julius din pala, dapat mas i-show ang kaniyang mga nararamdaman.
Don't just say that napangiwi si Julius sa sakit dahil parang mapuputol na ang kamay niya, show us!

DIALOGUE: This is the gateway of a character, and I'm glad to say that you made these dialogues the life of your characters. Great job on that, milady!

Pero may na-notice ako na hindi mo ata nilalagyan ng spacing ang next word pagkatapos ng punctuation marks, and it's wrong. This will be further discussed po sa 'technicalities' corner. (Up next na, whoo!) ✌

TECHNICALITIES: Okay, so medyo marami kang mga slight errors, but certainly nothing that we cannot fix, miss Cupcake!

*Drix is Hendrix's nickname, right? So you should capitalize that. (Somewhere along chapter 2/3)

Tapos may mga words ka na in need of hyphens.

*Nagdradrama — Nagdra-drama

*Nakaiwas — Naka-iwas

*Pagatake — Pag-atake

*Napagalaman — Napag-alaman

*Napaupo — Napa-upo

(Somewhere in chapter 5, nung hinaplos ni Adrian yung pisngi ni Julius)

*Nagiwas❌
*Umiwas✅

*'Its' here is wrong. It should be 'It's', for 'It has'. Okay?

*If it's not a complicated or lengthy number, use words instead.

*'Happen' here should be 'happened' because it's already in past tense, don't you think?

This is an example of a run-on sentence I found in your story. The red lines represent the places I suggested you should place a comma. Red circle indicates that this should be replaced, and dark red line represents the words that should be rephrased.

Mayroon po akong suggestion, it goes like this po:

Binungkal ko ang mga basura gamit ang aking mga kamay, dahil may nakita akong kumikinang na bagay, kaya tinitigan ko lamang ito. Iyon pala ay singsing lang ni daddy.

😄 How is it?

(Somewhere in chapter 2...)

*Nasaan ako! ❌ even though it's filled with emotions, mas better pa rin ang usual punctuation mark.

*Nasaan ako? ✅

WRITING SKILL : If I will rate thee... Then it will be 8.7/10! Magaling ka na dahil na-grasp mo na ang mga basic concepts in writing an interesting story. Ang kailangan mo nalang ay a little polishing here and there, and I'm 101% sure you'll shine on po! Just remember though, give your characters emotions, real flaws and strengths. And more showing than telling!

MESSAGE:

Heyo! Thank you so much for choosing me, Painite as your royal critique!

I hope you value my opinions, just as much as I value yours. Kaya kung meron ka pong suggestion, mga queries, o kung gusto niyo pong ipaglaban ang iyong side, huwag pong mahiyang mag-comment!

Hindi po ako kumakain ng tao, kumakagat lang. 😂 Okay, peace out, yo.