The Queen's Critique Chamber

⚜️Batch 5: Unimpressed

Royal Critique Work by:
@ElaMille (,Chief Royal Critique)
Story : Unimpressed
Written by: @SiiRyal

°⚜️TITLE :
Your title was good! It made me curious to read it more. It also has the impact of mysterious romance   on it which all romance theme stories had. Hindi na kase masyado nauuso ngayon yung pa direct and state the obvious pag romance mas maganda na yung may deep meaning ka.

I like it as i read it really suits it well to be honest
It impressed me i really like it!.

Siguro just add the (busymen series:) 
Sa taas ng title mo. Para alam nilang isang part NG series tong sinusulat mo.

⚜️BOOK COVER:
The book cover is okay! It has what romance book had or should I say it was a well fitted cover. Choosing a cover for romance book doesn't necessarily need to be exact what it was told, you still need to play mischievous and well fitted at the same time, it doesn't even need to be artistic you just need a catchy cover which you already had. With this I don't even think I have a problem with it because honestly covering a book for romance only includes what an author want to show and as I see you have no problem with it.

Try to have an inspiration from other famous romance cover too. Probably just add the "BusyMen Series: #1".

and be proud with your name like choose another font and size for it. All well done.

°⚜️DISCRIPTION/BLURB:

All well said! *👏👏👏*
It was done and definitely no problem with it.
Sassy and straight! Good job! really suits to your story. no need to change or if you add more it's your choice after all I can say all what you've done it impressive.

⚜️BOOK CONTENT:

IMPRESSIVE ~ SERIOUSLY WHY DO YOU NEED ME FOR THIS?..-I mean look your story is good I even love to read it more so yup I even add it in my library. well few mistake can be seen but it won't affect how good you expressed your idea in this kind of story. I like the flown,the thrills, the fun sides and the lesson hahaha I don't want to be a spoiler but I already have an idea how is your story work and end up.

Siguro add a last chapter which includes your translation of sentence kase as I read I see different language you used not all readers may get or know the meaning of it so add at least the meaning of it para mas magegets nila.

°DIALOGUES:

Not bad but few mistake can be seen. I even noticed some part na dapat hype ka kaso flat and sentence mo and, the bilingual thing yup add translation for it para gets ng iba.

All in all
- I have no problem with it okay na okay naman siya.Good job!!.

°TECHNICALITIES:
 
"Pati ba naman ako business na din, dad? I thought your intentions are as calm as your face but I thought wrong! It is still business. Bullshit!"

Change to:

"Pati ba naman ako business na din, Dad? I thought your intentions is for good but what I've thought was wrong! It's still business. Bullshit!."

(Simple and direct.)

"Let's go." - "Let's go!"(,this dialogue needs exclamation point your character is on shout scene why still flat?.)

"Should I gave dad a chance?."

(Change to:)

Should I give Dad a second chance?.
*Ibibigay mo palang bat gave na kaagad ginamit mo? , And Nouns start in big letters.  Plus what chance,? Pang ilang?.

" Sa mga nagdaang tao-.,"

Sa mga nag daang taon.

Wad,- was.

"A smirk then surfaced on his gorgeous nface that made me drop my gaze in my lap."

Change to )

"A smirk plastered on his gorgeous face that made me drop my gaze on my lap."

"Fiesty, love that." -(no emotion) add "!"

"Hidni ko maiwasang hindi magukat sa mga biglaang pagkilos nito."

(Change to)

"Hindi - hidni
"Magukat - magulat."

*"Can you please get your hand out of my arm."

*"Can you please get off your hand on my arm."

*Pwede stop muna kasi puputok na yung ulo."
(Natawa ako dito hahaha anong ulo ba yung puputok?.- Dapat kase stated mo ng maayos
like add "ko" -diba?. and if your character seems in act put expressions on it lagi kang nakakalimot sa "!" exclamation point.

*I can see how him jaw tightened as well as his fist clenched.

"I can see how he clenched his jaw as well as his fist."( Find another suited word sa clenching jaw hahaha others kase yan yung ginagamit.)

"For Pete's sake, I'm wearing heals!"

*For Pete's sake! I'm wearing heels!."

"Nasa Isa kami sa mga mamahaling kainang nakapila sa labas ng building ng HGC."

*Nasa isang mamahaling kainan kami malapit lang sa HGC building."

~ Noun is always in capital letters. Used exclamation point if your character is on shouting or expressive mode,Wag puro period nagiging flat intonation kase ang sentence.

°Writing Skills (8-10) Impressive! Okay na ee
Almost but not enough kase siguro Yung pag ramble ng words mo minsan,at pagiging flat.
But all in all okay naman Yung story mo

As what I've read din alaga it sa critique so push it more ,para maimprove and ma lessen yung mga mali. Okay Yung story mo maganda idea mo so be confident stay in your vibes how you wrote this kase maganda talaga siya.

⚜️Msg:

I'm sorry for the delay due to some unexpected things na ngyari lately and busy schedule.
Thank you for choosing me.
,-Sae_No