The Queen's Critique Chamber

⚜️Batch 4: I'm pregnant, Shan

Royal Critique Work
By @KyriaArtemisa_ (Royal Critique Artemis 🌹)
Story: I'm pregnant, Shan
Written by: @Uji1996

TITLE:
Your title is kinda common since marami ng may ganitong title, I'm pregnant, (insert name) I suggest you should think a much more unique title,

Example: (it's up to you if you want to follow my title suggestions to you)

*Reasons and regrets
*Still into you
*Piece of Fate

Or it's up to you kung papalitan mo o hindi but title is something na unang nakikita ng readers aside from the cover.

COVER:
Wala naman akong comment dito since okay naman siya at parang pocket book style.

BLURB/DESCRIPTION:
You should add some more details para may mas appeal sa readers, your blurb is plain and simple. Just a dialogue then 'yun na 'yun, you can add a catch phrase, something about the character, a struggle and the likes.

Example: (again it's up to you if you will follow this)

"I-I'm pregnant, Shan," kabado kong wika.

Tumingin lang siya sa akin ng walang emosyon, "I don't care," sambit niya.

"Abort the child."

Those words that left me hanging and broken, that fateful day when my heart shattered to million pieces.

"Tayo na lang dalawa, baby," sabi ko at hinimas ang tiyan ko.

Okay ang lahat but then fate started to play and we saw each other again.

Can I avoid him?
-

A blurb is like a short summary kailangang siksik, short yet full and an eye catcher.

PLOT:
Your plot is common, so to be able to best the others you must create an unexpected twist. Marami akong nakitang plot holes lalo na pag binibilisan mo ang mga scenes. And you failed to let the readers show kung ano ang dating Shan bakit nagbago, anong nangyari sa kanila noong una.

Nag-jump ka na agad n'ung sinabi na ni Eunice na buntis siya, drama agad walang warm up. You should have include some of the things that had happened in their relationship. Kumbaga, you should had built the drama more slowly to pierce the heart of the readers.

STORY FLOW:
Just like I've said, sobrang bilis ng pacing ng story, you need to fill up the missing piece of the puzzle (the holes in your story) kasi pag sobrang bilis nawawala na ang thrill ng story.

VOGUE VS. VIVID
Nag-kulang sa visualization ang mga narration mo which made it vogue. A nice visualization will let the readers imagine the whole story. The characters, the settings, kahit actions.

Example:

Unti-unting bumukas ang mga mata ko at ang puting kisame ang bumungad sa akin, nasaan ba ako? Luminga-linga ako at nakita ko ang nakakabit na dextrose sa aking kamay.

Example 2:

Ramdam ko ang pawis at kaba ko ng tumingin ako sa mga mata niya, blanko ito, hindi ko alam kung ano bang nasa isip niya habang nakaupo siya sa swivel chair niya habang hindi pa rin inaalis ang mga tingin niya sa akin.

Narrations and vivid descriptions are essential gaya ng dialogues since by words ang gamit mo sa isang story mo you need to pull the readers in and visualize what's happening.

Sa settings, hindi mo lang dapat sabihin na nasa isang place siya kailangang i-visualize mo ng konti anong itsura kung nasaan ang characters.

Sa characters, you need to let the readers imagine what they looked like, paano sila umasta, how they react in certain situations.

Sa actions, kailangan iparamdam mo sa readers mo kung anong nangyari, hindi lang sa simpleng, example, "sinampal ko siya at umiyak" kundi, "Nanginig ang mga kamay ko at hindi ko napigilang sampalin siya, hindi ko namalayang tumulo na pala ang luha ko sa sakit ng ginagawa niyang panloloko sa akin"

CHARACTERS:
Wala naman akong masyadong masabi dito, just continue to put character development sa kanila.

At lagyan mo ng diin like kung gusto mong kaiinisan si Shan, put something in his character at mas dagdagan mo pa ang mga masasakit niyang salita.

DIALOGUE:
Just put more emotions in your dialogues, okay na, dagdagan mo lang talaga kung gusto mo ng makakatatak sa readers example, masakit na scene mas masakit din dapat ang dialogue,

As for the dialogue construction,

"Shan, may sasabihin ako sa iyo."sabi ko habang hawak hawak ang isang envelope ❌

"Shan, may sasabihin ako sa iyo(,)" ()sabi ko habang hawak-hawak ang isang envelope ✅

Instead of a period, since it's a narration of a dialogue comma ang ginagamit.

But may mga dialogue na period ang ginagamit, example,

"Aalis na ako, hindi mo na ako makikita pa." Tumalikod siya at umalis.

Example 2,

Tumingin lang siya sa akin ng walang emosyon, "I don't care," sambit niya.

"Abort the child."

Para mas ma-knows mo talaga ang mga 'to, I suggest na magbasa ka thoroughly about sa ganito.

TECHNICALITIES:
1. Aside from the latter kanina, I found a problem regarding proper spacing of words, after every word kailangan ng spacing kahit after ng isang punctuation, example,

"Bitawan mo ako! Ano ba! Bitaw, sabi eh!"

2. Distinguishing 'your' from 'you're'

*Your- possession, ownership

Example: "Your bag is there in your room"

Meaning, ang bag (mo) ay nasa room.

*You're- person

A short cut to you are.

Example: "You're so pretty, love"

meaning, (Ikaw) ay napaka-ganda, mahal

To distinguish them your is for possession, pag-mamay-ari while you're refers to person.

3. Filipino short cut words.

iyan- 'yan ✅
iyon- 'yon ✅
siya- s'ya ✅
niya- n'ya ✅
hindi ba- 'diba ✅
ito- 'to ✅
diyan- d'yan ✅
niyan- n'yan ✅
doon- d'on ✅
hindi- 'di ✅

4. Punctuations

Minsan, nakakaligtaan mong gumamit ng tamang punctuations para mas maipalabas ang emotion, example:

"Wala kang puso!"

Second thing paggamit ng comma,

"Wala na kung wala na (,) the point is (,) I don't care,"

WRITING STYLE:
May potential ka just continue to improve and do proofreading, marami mang errors sa una but you can do it! It's part of being a writer.

Message from Royal Critique Artemis:
Sorry if may mga nasabi man ako, I only wanted you to learn and improve. You can do it! Continue writing and improving, you have the potential just nourish it and voila! Goodluck and sana may natutunan ka sa akin. Thank you for trusting me. 💙