Blood Stains

apologies

I have many people to apologize to and many things to apologize for.

To my mother:
Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be like this. I never wanted this. You deserve the best and I am a failure. I'm sorry that I lied to you about so much. I'm sorry that I failed to be great. I'm sorry I made you feel bad because I didn't tell you when I cried, or when I hurt myself, or who I was. I'm sorry I couldn't be more like you. I'm trying my best. I'm really trying. I love you so much. I hope we can become closer and I hope that one day I will become the daughter you deserve. And I hope one day I can tell you everything, one day I can tell you who your daughter is.

To my brothers:
I'm sorry I'm bitchy. I'm sorry I annoy you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better sister. I'm sorry that I never see you much because I hide in my room. I'm sorry I hide from you. I'm sorry about all of the mean things I have said and done. I want to be a better sister but I don't know how. I love you both so much and I'm sorry I wasn't always great at showing it.

To my friends:
I am sorry. I know I complain a lot. I know I'm mean sometimes. I know I can be a judging person. I know I push you away. I'm sorry for everything. I love you and I want to show you that and I'm sorry I don't. I'm sorry that you have to put up with all of my annoying habits. I'm sorry I make you go through shit because I can't get my own shit together. I'm sorry I can be downer. You deserve a better friend and I understand if you don't want to be mine. I wouldn't want to be mine. I'm sorry about everything.

The little girl I used to be:
I am so sorry. I turned out like shit. You were so full of life and joy. You were so happy and wanted to live life to the fullest and I don't even want to live. I'm sorry. You deserved a much better life. You deserved happiness. I wrecked all of that. Your goal in life was to be happy and I failed you. The things you once loved now cause my tears, I will never be what you wanted me to be. I am so sorry that your joy died so young. I am so sorry you grew up to be the mess I am.

I am so sorry