The wicked and the brave (Book 1- Valhireya Series- Completed)

Chapter 15

Clara

You know how some people have this gift of describing exactly how they feel? How they manage to let words heal them? Well, I don't have that. All I know is I feel guilty, soiled, worthless. My guilt is eating me inside, torturing me. I blame myself for not being brave enough to tell Victor the truth. I feel like a coward and that is not something that is easy to carry with you. Whenever I try to speak to Luca I fail miserably. My words choke in my throat and my mind shuts down every time I try to make some sense of everything that's happening around me.

I have come to admit my feelings for Luca but that only made it worse for me. And to top it off, here I am, in an unknown city, Gods know where, with him. I didn't even get to tell Victor I'm leaving and I know that, by now, he hates me. No matter how he has treated me, how unhappy I have been by his side, I still feel like I owed him an explanation. How did I get myself in this mess? Why does my life have to be so complicated?

So yeah, I'm sitting in the dark living room all by myself. I can't sleep. My guilt is keeps my brain in this fucked up loop where I keep torturing myself for not doing things the right way. I can't focus on anything. I simply exist to let my feelings torment me. I am trying to pull myself together but I don't know how. I feel like I have this little monster in my head that feeds on all the happy emotions I could possibly have and leaves me only with the worst kind: fear, guilt, panic, sadness. It's a neverending circle of miserable days. And what is worst is that I realised that I have been feeling like this for years but I pushed it in the back of my mind and forced myself to act happy. I lied to myself evey single day that this is life, that you can't always expect to be happy, that I am supposed to feel like this because of what I am. I thought it was OK... that I was OK. But now... I realize that I was wrong.

The night turns into day and before I even realize, it's already late in the evening. I place the food on the table and take a seat, facing the man I love but cannot touch without putting myself in danger. I am playing around with my food, since I'm not that hungry. He silently eats his pasta, with small bites.

We've been here for one week already. He has been quite patient with me. He finished redecorating the smaller bedroom just so that I can have a room of my own if I feel like it. At night, I crawl out of bed and go sleep in there. He usually wakes up alone but hasn't said anything about it yet. He's not happy. He doesn't smile much, he doesn't talk that much either.

We just do the house chores, watch TV and go shopping. I cook and he does the dishes. Life is quite simple. We just try and not make each other uncomfortable as much as possible.

"Clara?" His voice breaks the silence in the room.

"Yes?" I lift my eyes and from my plate and look at him.

"Why won't you talk to me?" His question installs a sense of panic in my mind.

"What do you mean by that?" I try to avoid this conversation for as much as possible.

"Don't try avoiding the topic. We are having this conversation whether you like it or not." He says and my eyes grow wide with fear, not knowing what he is going to say.

"Do you miss him?" His question strikes me like lightning.

"Miss who?" I ask him surprised.

"Your boyfriend." His words are filled with venom, shocking me even more.

"Luca... what is this nonsense? Why are you asking me such things?" I study him and see his face change to a more angrier one.

"Just answer the damn question!" He says between his clenched teeth.

"I don't miss him! Where is this coming from?" I ask him, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Well, what do you think? You barely talk to me every day, you sneak away from bed during the night, you avoid me at all cost." He tells me, trying to contain his temper. His fists are on the table and I can see his knuckles whitening from the strength of his clench.

"Luca, it's not like that." I look into his eyes and try to keep myself calm. There's no point in losing my temper too.

"Then how is it, Clara? I told you that I can handle your visions. I can keep you out of my mind, so what the fuck is stopping you?" He looks to the side and closes his eyes waiting for my answer.

"I am afraid!" I whisper and hide my face in my palms. I take a deep breath and jump a little when I hear his chair moving on the wooden floor, but I don't want to look at him. I am ashamed of myself. I shouldn't feel afraid, but this whole situation has gotten me in a very dark place. I am afraid to let him close to me, not only because I don't know whether he will be able to keep my visions at bay, but also because I am ashamed of my body. He looks like a supermodel and I am all skin and bones.

Suddenly, I feel his hand on my bare shoulder and I gasp in surprise. My entire body shivers with excitement. His mere touch makes my mind go blank. That's how much control he has over me. I don't know what's going to happen next and that pushes adrenaline through my veins. I raise my gaze and look him in the eyes. He doesn't look angry anymore. If anything, he looks like a predator.

He runs his hand from my shoulder, caressing my skin and placing it under my chin. He softly guides me to stand up while still looking into my eyes. The space between us closes slowly until there is nothing but a breath left to separate us.

I gasp for air and place my lips upon his while closing my eyes. My heart is racing in my chest, as if it will explode. It feels like an eternity until I feel his hands wrapping around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

His lips part as he deepens our kiss, making me melt in his arms. Our breathing accelerates as our tongues dance together, tasting each other, lighting the fire inside us.

His fingers dig into my flesh, making my core clench with desire. My entire body seems to give up on me as his fingers start tracing the contour of my back. I let out a soft moan and feel him smile against my lips.

"I am the one for you, Clara! Not him!" He says between kisses and undoes my bra.

I am lost in the sensations running through my body. My mind is clouded by his kisses and by my own fears, but he manages to chase all of them away when he takes off my tank and looks at my body, letting out an appreciative growl.

"Mine." His words edge upon my heart like an eternal promise and I let go of any strand of sanity still left in my mind.

I am his and he is mine...