Vocaloid: SHADOWS IN THE SPOTLIGHT [Miku X Luka]

Toxic Wishes - #44

Lukas PoV

"Have you been in a relationship before?" This inquiry more or less slips out without me really thinking about it. Miku pauses, stopping still for a moment.

Up until now, the journey home has been relatively silent. We walked together, side my side, though a couple metres apart. Every now and then, I'd catch her glancing over to me, biting her lip, or opening her mouth, only to close it again wordlessly. And every now and then, I'd glance back at her, watching her teal hair flow behind her in the wind, watching her azure orbs narrow every so often as her mind raced.

It's a bizzare question to ask in such an abnormal situation, I know. It's just one of those spontaneous things, I suppose. And if I were to say I'm not curious, that'd be a lie. Judging from her stunning looks and adorable personality, she's most likely had guys all over her.

The wind is bitter, though she doesn't shiver. And after a long pause, she nods her head slightly, before fixating her gaze on me. "Mhm. I have. A couple I guess, though I'm not sure how many count as proper relationship." She tilts her head back in thought and laughs a little.

I raise an eyebrow, though don't respond. After a moments silence, she continues speaking. "In younger years, there'd be a new boy every other week, though none of them were remotely serious so.. I won't count them. If we're talking about more serious relationships... Shion Kaito."

Shion Kaito, relatively popular guy that attends one of the neighbouring schools. As for as I'm concerned, he doesn't do much sport or have particularly notable grades, but to most of the girls, he's an absolute heartthrob.

"We went out for a good few months at least. And he's sweet as anything bless him, but... things just didn't work out. It hurt at the time, but we've both moved on." Her gaze slides down to the gravel below, strands of hair from her teal bangs falling over her face. "He's found much better than I could ever do, after all."

I glance at her. "Better than you? How can you get better than gold itself?" Her self-deprecating sentence said with noticeable hurt even now is, quite honestly, enough to anger me. It's saddening, isn't it? How in this modern day society, angels themselves believe they're not good enough. "It was his loss, not yours."

A squeak of bashfulness escapes Miku's lips, and after a moment, she looks up at me and smiles, her cheeks burning ever so slightly. "Th-Thanks.."

I shrug my shoulders and give her a small smile in response. "We're nearly back home.. didn't you say you wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Yeah." Miku nods as she pushes open the door to the building, and leading me up the stairs to the front door. "I'll tell you in a second..."

Miku rushes into the apartment as soon as I've unlocked the front door. She tears off her shoes, rips off her coat and dumps her bag in one corner, before collapsing onto the sofa with a sigh. She closes her eyes for a moment, her chest rising and falling rhythmically with her breaths.

I can't exactly say this behaviour is completely unusual - especially on a Friday, Miku's always happy to crash as soon as we get home from school. Though she seems more tired than usual - wether that's an emotional exhaustion or a physical exhaustion, I'm not sure.

I fall into place next to her after discarding my bag and kicking off my shoes. "Tired?" I inquire, turning my head to face her.

"Slightly." Is her response as props herself up. "Umm... yeah, I have a question for you, if that's okay?" Her eyes flicker around nervously, and she bites down on her lip.

"What is it?"

A short silence, and a moment later it's broken by a sharp sigh. Miku opens her mouth to speak, though it seems to take a few more moments for the words to form. "First of all, I'm sorry for bringing this up again, but... I'm worried about you and I want to help you."

Unsure of how to respond to this statement, I stay silent. My breathing pauses for a moment and I'm left pondering what it is that she so desperately wants to talk about.

Miku's gaze slides away for a brief second, before fixating on me once again. "You've been so distant lately, and sometimes I feel like it's really difficult to get through to you the way I was able to only a week or so ago. I feel like something's changed and I don't like it. I was wondering if something has been bothering you recently.. about me, about school, anything really, for you to suddenly behave distant and sometimes even cold." She pauses for a moment, before blinking and peering once more at me through saddened blue orbs. "What's wrong..? Because I know there's something.."

I've not been acting myself lately. Whereas I've always been disconnected from most peoples normalities for years, meeting Miku has made me feel more attached to the real world. But recently, I've felt torn away from that once again. And although I try to convince myself I don't understand what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling how I am... deep down, I really do understand. But it's too selfish to resurface, to share.

How do I respond? Is honesty really the right choice now? I don't know. And as much as I hate to admit it, it's beginning to making me panic. Funny that, I haven't felt panic in a long time.

Living as an empty, isolated shell all this time had made me pretty immune to this. This quickened breathing, this increasing heartbeat, this not knowing what to do - it's strange. But upon meeting Miku, I've been able to experience emotions I haven't felt in god knows how long, emotions both good and bad.

"I... does it really matter?" My voice is quiet, melancholy, and I find myself unable to properly meet the tealette's concerned eyes.

"That's a silly question!" Miku exclaims. "Of course it matters. It matters to me. I want you to be okay. I want to help you!"

"I don't need-"

"Luka..." Miku goes to place her hand atop of mind, a gesture she's done multiple times before in attempts to comfort me. But at her touch, I flinch away. Her expression falls at this, orbs clouding with hurt, and it though it sends a spear of guilt through my heart, her gentle, caring touch would have also hurt.

"I'm fine."

Miku peers at me through upturned eyes and speaks in a voice nothing more than a whisper. "But you're not.."

"Miku, I'm capable of knowing what I feel and you can't decide that for me. I'm fucking fine, please get that into your head!" But you're not fine, why are you trying so hard? The harder you try, the more obvious your lies are.

My thoughts are clouding up my mind, and before long I find myself ranting, unable to keep this bottled up inside any longer. "Any problems I may have just seem so selfish and, hell, monstrous. Take Yukari, this lilac eyed puppy looking up to you wherever you go, the first to your side, the first to defend you, whatever. Do I have a problem with her? Fuck it. Yes, I do. I have a problem with her taking my place. Why should I even try anymore when I know my efforts will be wasted? You've found someone else, someone better, sweeter, funnier, livelier. I wouldn't be surprised if she slips you a love letter a week from now, confessing her undying feelings for you. After all, she is homosexual, isn't she?"

"I don't like her. I don't want to like her. Selfish, isn't it? I'm fully aware of that. I'm fully aware of how imperfect I am - I've had students, teachers, people telling me this, chipping away at my confidence for years until it's just a pile of ash, unable to be fixed or resurrected. I know, I know, I'm a boring, fake, spoilt, freaky, ugly whore. What do I offer you? How do I benefit you over someone who thinks the world of you and is able to protect you and make you happy? People have told me I'm replaceable, that I may as well grab a rope and snap my neck in half. No one will care, they said. And damn." By now, my voice is quivering, breaking with every other word, "they're probably right."

A/N: SPOILER! I love these beans too much to end this fic on a bad note so don't worry, they will have a happy ending, I promise !
A new section of the plot is only just beginning though, so hold on tight - the end is still a while away ;)
As always, I hope you've all enjoyed this chapter as much as possible xD see you all in the next chapter! I'll try to write it and publish it as soon as I can~ ♪