Don't Hug Me I'm Scared {Billie Eilish}

{51}✔️

Dahlia's POV
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I must've done something wrong. That's the problem, I'm always doing shit wrong and that's why I can never have anything nice. My first girlfriend and I've fucked it up and I don't even know how. I don't know what I did or what I didn't do—or maybe I didn't, like, do or not do anything, maybe it's just me as a person. Maybe I'm just not enough no matter what I do or don't do.

"No, she isn't you...She isn't you and she never could be." That's what Billie had said. Damn, that really hurts to think about. I guess it's not exactly my fault though, right? It's no one's fault it's just that...Billie really likes Luna and I guess nobody would be able to replace her.

"That's what you're not understanding, dude, she isn't gonna replace you! I don't want her to." She'd said it herself. I'm not gonna be able to replace Luna and she doesn't want me to. And I don't want to try to. I'm not supposed to be someone's replacement, I'm just supposed to be me and that's supposed to be enough. Billie's supposed to like me for me and she doesn't and that's fine.

"I'm not fucking cheating on you, what do you even mean?!" Now that...I wish I could get to just be a bit heartbroken. Maybe I could handle just feeling sad because Billie likes me, but now I have to deal with feeling guilty too. Billie's cheating on someone with me and even though I had no idea about it, I'm still so fucking guilty and mad at myself. If someone cheated on me I don't know what I'd do—Well, actually, apparently I have been cheated on.

"Yeah, I agree, okay? I think what we had was special while we had it, but it's over now. She's not exactly replacing you because—no listen—" Was what we had actually special? Did we even really have anything? I thought we did. I thought we went well together. We have the same sense of humor, the same tastes in a lot of shit, we're both really similar but really different...I thought we went well together. I thought we were having a good time together—Just Friday we were having a great time at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Everything seemed to be going well then. Billie's attention was fully on me and she even tried so hard to avoid Luna. It didn't feel like I was sharing her, but I guess I was. Maybe she was only trying to avoid being around Luna because she didn't want me to find out? What if Bea showing up with Luna was planned? So that they could see each other and it wouldn't be suspicious. It's far fetched but I don't know, I guess it's possible. Billie cheating on me seemed far fetched too, but...

"So, she's an ex?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

When I asked that, Billie didn't specifically say yes. Maybe I should've known then.

"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I really do miss you too. I do. You were my first everything and I really loved you...No I don't care about her anymore. That's over and done with now and I've moved on. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. I was stupid to think I could be with—Yeah the whole thing was stupid."

'I don't care about her anymore.' Did she ever? 'That's over and done with now and I've moved on.' All fucking ready. 'I was stupid to think I could be with her.' Fucking ditto.

Who even knows what was said after all that. I'd walked away long before the conversation was finished and I'm sure if I'd stayed I would've heard things even more hurtful. I can't even begin to imagine what all was said after I stopped listening. I don't want to.