Don't Hug Me I'm Scared {Billie Eilish}

{52}✔️

Billie's POV
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" We never called it what it was, but she was my girlfriend. We didn't do labels, but she was definitely my girlfriend. The relationship was terrible if I'm being honest. I thought I loved her, I still do think I loved her, but we weren't good for each other. We both had our faults. She was manipulative and controlling as shit and I didn't know how to deal with anything ever." I rolled my eyes. "If I got mad at her I'd just give her the silent treatment or she'd get mad at me and then scream at me for who knows how long and then she'd start ignoring me and we'd go weeks without talking and then we'd fuck and that was us 'making up'. We never talked about anything that we should've talked about. She loved to party and we'd go to a different party every weekend and it was always the same thing. She'd get drunk until she couldn't stand straight anymore and I'd be stuck taking care of her and begging her to go home so she wouldn't do anything stupid, but she wouldn't listen to me. She'd go off and cheat on me and I'd pretend I didn't know so that we didn't have to talk about it, but it was fucking killing me. I really liked her and I wanted us to be together. I wanted it to work, but she never wanted to be with just me. She needed to be with other people too. I tried to be okay with that, but I wasn't."

"I don't even know what it is that I loved about her. We were pretty much polar opposites and I despised everything that she was. She was honestly one of the biggest bullies I'd ever met in my life and you know how much I hate that. She was a total mean girl and it's like her entire goal in life was to make people feel bad about themselves. She was just insecure and she was trying to make herself feel better, just like all the other bullies. I hated her at first...I hated her while we were together, but I don't know, getting attention from her...Having this girl that didn't seem to like anything or anybody pretty much obsess over me felt good. She always treated me nicely, compared to the way she treated other people at least. She'd go out of her way to compliment me and take me on all these amazing dates and she'd brag about me to all her friends. If anyone said anything bad about me she made it her whole life goal to destroy them." I laughed sadly.

"She was the first girl I ever liked and she introduced me to a whole new life. I had so many experiences with her. I figured out so much shit about myself and about the world with her. I had so many firsts with her. She's special to me. I don't wanna be with her again, I don't even know how I could stand being with her for as long as I did. But she will always be a part of me I guess...She wasn't perfect, obviously, but I wasn't either. I really liked her but I fucking hated her and I didn't know how to deal with my feelings, so I was always being passive aggressive with her. Always throwing shade at her, always talking badly about her. If she was having a bad day, if she was feeling bad about herself, I always rubbed it in and made her feel worse. I hated the person I became when I was with her."

"We were always breaking up and getting back together again. I don't think we stayed together for two weeks straight throughout our entire two-year relationship. Nobody ever knew if we were together or not. They didn't know whether we loved or hated each other and we didn't know which one it was either...We finally broke up for good a few weeks before I moved here. She started doing shit to 'get back at me' when we broke up. Shit that'd make me get back with her. It went from petty shit like her cutting off some of her hair to dying it a color she hated that I loved to her burning all her clothes because I didn't like her style and starting to wear shit that she knew I liked...It just kept getting worse and worse. I didn't think she'd ever do anything really, really serious until she called me one day after we'd broken up again and told me she was gonna kill herself. I didn't believe her, and I knew then that I needed to stop fucking with her. Then she sent me pictures of herself all cut up, and she sent me videos of her burning herself with curling irons and shit. It scared the fuck out of me and, of course, I got back with her after that. But I obviously couldn't stay with her because of that. I didn't wanna be with her anymore, and honestly, I was terrified of her. I was scared of what she'd do to herself because of me. I was scared of ever making her mad or upset because I thought she'd do something crazy. And I kept thinking if she was willing to do something bad to herself, what would she be willing to do to me? So, I eventually got the courage to break up with her again, mostly because I was moving schools anyway."