What If

Thirty Nine

I cannot express my sadness, anger and guilt at the same time. My heart is aching so bas. Am I hurt? Am I dissapointed? Na nagawa niyang magkama ng ibang babae habang asawa niya ako? I cannot accept that! No! What will happen? I will be the mother of their child? No way.

I don't know. I am not happy. Gusto kong maging masaya cause finally, he was inlove with someone else! He won't chase me anymore. He won't run after me. But I cannot felt that feeling. Nasasaktan ako. Ayoko. Ayokong makabuntis siya ng iba. Ayokong mag-mahal siya ng iba. What is this? Am I inlove with him? What the hell is this?

I want to punch someone right now. Gusto kong mag-wala. Sige. Let's say I am not inlove with him romantically, yes, but I am still his wife! Mali pa rin 'yon! Mali ang mangabit. Dahil ba sa hindi ko naibibigay sa kaniya ang bagay na 'yon, kaya hinahanap niya sa iba? Is that enough reason to cheat?

My work is done and the light rain from the sky made my feeling better. Kahit nababasa ako ay ayos lang. Atleast people won't notice that I am crying. Bakit naman ako umiiyak? Hindi ba't ito ang gusto ko? Will his family will forced him to divorce me and live happily with his family? At paano ako?

Naupo ako sa isang bench. New York has been good to me for the past years. I had some good friends here. Especially in Cedrick's company. Cedrick had been a good impact to my life since then. Before Tyron Del Valle, he was the first model who raise the sales and the certification of Ronz' Magazines. And when he came back, I still cannot believe that he loves me and he worked hard for to fit on my level. Now that he did, he is now my husband. But still, he cheated on me.

I guess they will never be satisfied huh? They will always find or look for a contentment. I am trying so hard for him. I am always saying to myself that I should give him a chance and I did! But he still choose to be with someone else. He chose to be the father of someone's child. I don't know. Ang sakit sakit na ng nararamdaman ko.

Nag-ring ang cellphone ko. It was my husband. Tumabi ako at sumilong para masagot ang paulit ulit na tawag.

"Ced..." I said coldly.

"Fck! Glad you answered! Where are you now, Lorrie? Hindi ka daw nag trabaho ngayon? Cancelled ang lahat ng appointments mo today? Why?" natataranta niyang tanong.

"I'm fine, Ced... I'll schedule it in some other time," kalmado kong sinabi.

"And where the hell are you? You didn't bring our car? Umuulan ha!" nag-aalala niyang tono.

"I don't wanna go home yet, Cedrick," mariin kong sabi.

"And why?"

"I just want to be alone, please! I am thinking. Your house was too crowded for me to think,"

Narinig ko ang mahinang hininga niya sa kabilang linya. "Is this about my treatment for you in the past few days?"

Natahimik ako. Pinagmasdan ko lang ang tuloy tuloy na pagbagsak ng ulan. May iilang nag-offer sa akin ng payong pero hindi ko tinanggap. I don't want to talk to anyone. Pagod na pagod na ang sarili ko. Sana.... Sana ang treatment lang ni Cedrick ang problema e. Sana 'yon lang because I can deal with it! Pero ang maging ama ng hindi niya anak ay hindi ko yata kayang tanggapin. This is too much pain!

"Lorraine..." He called.

Umiling ako habang pinipigilan ang nagbabadyang pag-hikbi! I don't want to admit that I am hurting right now. Ayokong isipin niya na hindi okay o hindi pabor sa akin ang nangyari. Ang sakit! Nasasaktan ako!

"I'm sorry," he trailed off. "Did I make you cry?"

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko tsaka pinilit na ngumiti sa kawalan. The sky is grey and red, halatang gustong gustong mag-buhos ng ulan.