Autumn Leaves / Park Jimin fanfiction

23. Overdose

Oneirataxia
The inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality.

-

I stood outside door 55A. I had been here for 5 minutes now, trying to build up the courage to knock on his door. Slowly, I brought my fist up, knocking lightly on the rotting wood. Jimin opened the door moments later, his eyes half open and a pained, confused expression on his face. He was in pyjamas, his hair sticking up in all directions. He didn't say a word, just merely lifting an eyebrow when he saw me.

"I think it's time you met Yoongi."

-

As the sunlight had faded just hours ago, so had any source of heat. It was pitch black along the riverside and I would have been terrified if it wasn't for Jimin trudging along beside me, humming quietly to himself. He was still in his pyjamas, refusing to get dressed for whatever adventure I'd dragged him out for. I tilt my head, gazing up at the scattering of stars above me. At first glance, they all look the same, but after closer inspection, I notice each star has its own size and level of brightness that distinguishes it from the next.

It was a short 15-minute walk from Jimin's apartment to where I knew Yoongi would be, even at this late hour. No one else was up yet, just me, Jimin and the river that flowed beside us. "We're here." Jimin furrows his eyebrows as I lift the latch with ease and swing open the metal gate. I held the gate for Jimin who closed it behind him slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible despite no one being around to hear us.

"So... where is he?" Jimin questioned, giving me a dubious look as he looked around him, trying to find the boy. "Right there." I point over to Yoongi as my feet carry me over to the familiar patch of unkempt grass. Sitting down carefully, I pat the ground beside me, indicating Jimin should sit down too. He lowers his body down cautiously, an unreadable expression masking his face. As our eyes meet, I give him a weak smile, my finger tracing over the familiar words.

"He died 3 years ago Jimin. Yoongi's dead." We sat in silence, neither of us knowing what to say.

"But, what about..." his voice trails off as he's unable to put his thoughts into words. His eyes wander, shifting between me and the gravestone in front of him. His mouth opens again to speak, but no sound comes out.

"It's all in my head Jimin, the birthday party, the messages none of it is real." I was embarrassed to tell Jimin, scared he would runaway thinking I had a serious mental health issue just like everyone else had.

"But why?" All Jimin could do was ask questions, hopeful that he'd be able to make sense of something even I wasn't able to understand. "I guess he was like a self-diagnosis. After he died I found myself in a very dark place. My parents tried getting me to see a doctor, therapist, counsellor, you name it, but they just prescribed medication. I was simply having an overreaction to his death and it would go away soon, they said." I can still recall those days like they were last week. The bright lights and the smell of lemon coming from the diffuser on the doctor's desk as he looked at me with sympathy and pity. Looking at me like I was broken.

"It didn't work?" Jimin questioned quietly. I shift in place feeling the awkwardness in the air.

"I never took the prescription, I couldn't do it. Yoongi died of an overdose; painkillers. I felt guilty every time I tried taking them. I should have known something wasn't right, he was my best friend, I should have been there to help, but I wasn't. He would still be alive now if I had." Every day I lived with the guilt of allowing my best friend to live with so much pain in the end it consumed him. "I knew he didn't exist anymore but it was easier to pretend he did than to accept he was gone forever." After 3 years I was finally able to talk to someone about his death, without them looking at me like I was a psychopath.

Jimin nodded, signalling me to carry on. He hadn't said much, but after all these years alone, all I needed was someone who would listen. "After he died he kind of became my conscience. The cause of my happiness and the centre of my thoughts. I knew I was living in a dream, but I was okay with that because it was better than opening my eyes again. But quickly it started to feel like I was also living in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. He became the source of my anxiety, the reason for my depression and my biggest fears."

"So he's like a voice in your head?" Jimin fumbled with his hands, keeping his eyes focused on the grave just inches in front of us. "Not exactly." I didn't know how to tell him that it was like I could still see Yoongi, just like he really was there. Sometimes it was so real that I forgot he had even died.

"Is he still there, in your mind?" Jimin looked over at me with sad eyes, understanding how hard this was for me to open up. "I don't think so," I smile feebly, "I think you woke me up from my nightmare."

-

Jimin reached out a hand to help me up from the floor. It was now 4am in the morning and I could tell he was in desperate need of sleep. Walking back to the gate I closed it behind me. In the distance I could make out a figure, I had noticed him earlier watching us as I poured my heart out to Jimin. He gave a small wave, his eyes were red and tears stained his cheeks. I knew he had been listening to our conversation. He flashed a gummy smile before walking off into the distance.

It was the last time I saw Yoongi.

A/n: Plot twist! I hope this chapter makes sense and I hope you're enjoying the story so far. This book is a bit of a slow burner and I'm worried the previous chapters have been boring but it gets more interesting from the next few chapters onwards, I promise. Thank you to everyone who is reading, commenting and voting on the chapters it really means a lot :)