It's Not Cool | Jonas Brothers

Chapter 44

Kevin's P.O.V.
Of course he had to wait one day after I was home to try and kill himself. One freaking day.

I don't know how else to respond, so I'm angry. Scratch that. I'm furious with him.

He wanted to leave us? Why not do it how Pippa did it. At least if she ever gets regrets she can waltz right back into our family and work her girl charm on all of us to get us to forgive her within a minute.

If he had succeeded and get regrets in the end, he wouldn't have been able to turn the tables back around. He'd be gone and we'd never get him back or know that he had regrets. As far as I know, he wanted to do it and he wanted to succeed.

This all means that I failed him. If I hadn't failed him, he might not have tried. He would be happy like he used to be when he was a little kid. He got too much to deal with and he couldn't deal with it anymore. He always kept hanging in the bad parts.

When he is down, he is down. Those are the worst, because you'd have to get everything out of the closet to get him out of it. There's always a frown present on his face, with a surprising laugh every once in a while, but if he's upset, like really upset, it's the worst. He looks at you like you killed his favourite pet.

Nick had written us notes. Joe had pocketed them in his hoody before he left to go to the hospital. He gave them to me when mom went with dad to hand the hospital the information on Nick. Danielle had watched Joe hand them to me in silence. She keeps quiet out of respect towards us.

Joe didn't know what to do with them. He couldn't read them, that's for sure. I somehow feel obligated to read them. I shouldn't, because Nick is alive and might wonder what happened to the notes ones he realises he left them.

I had left mom, dad and Joe in the waiting room and went on a walk to read the notes. I had hidden the notes as well.

I had found my way into a part of the hospital with a small chapel. I smile at myself. The irony in reading a suicide note in a chapel. He isn't even dead.

Walking down towards the front of the chapel, I took a seat in third row.

I first prayed for Nick and for Pippa. I pray that Nick gets better. I pray that Pippa is healthy and happy. My guess is that she left to find happiness.

I hope she found what she was looking for, because her decision caused us a lot of pain. She might not even know what she did to us when she left.

I had looked at the letters a couple of time before finding the courage to pick them up.

There were five envelopes. One for our parents, one for Frankie, one for joe, one for me and one for Pippa. Pippa's had a side note to it. (if she ever comes back).

That sentence made me cry and I haven't even opened a letter yet.

I decide to read mine first and decide after if I'll read them or throw them out. With how I'm feeling already without having read the note, I don't think I could put them through it. I don't even know if Nick appreciates it if I let them read it while knowing he'll wake and get better.

I unfold my letter and start reading. I read it twice, not understanding what he says.

With how I feel after reading his note, I'm sure I can't put others through it. Reading the words he put on the paper in ink, it hurts through my whole body and put a lot of questions in my brain.

Will I ask him about it? Maybe someday before I die. Somewhere far in the future. If I ask him about it, he might freak out. He might want to read it if he doesn't remember what he put in them.

I can't let him read the notes. He might get ideas again. That's not what I want to do to him. He's already dealt with enough. I don't need to pile more onto that stack.

Angry tears roll down my face after reading the letter. He is hurting and there's nothing I can do about it. He's sad and willing to end his life over everything that is going on.

He mentioned in his letter that even though we knew he was struggling with his Diabetes, we still had no idea to what extent he still was. He had been having a lot of trouble to regulate it and even with his pump; he still had to administer shots to regulate it faster. The pump sometimes worked its way too slow into his system and he had to take measures in his own hands and take a shot.

He doesn't have a fear of needles, but understand that if you have a pump, a meter to test more than just a couple of times a day and also have to take shots on a regular basis, the needles come out of your throat.

He felt suffocated and sick. He isn't normal. He has got a disease that has taken over his life. He knows he's different and he knows his own limits. But he doesn't know his limits. He thinks his limits are much lower, but that's not true. His limits are high, but he is too scared of reaching them.

I get up and make a deal with myself. I'll keep the notes. I can't throw them away, but I can't read them now either. I'll keep them from everyone. They can't read them. Not unless what I know is in them. I know they'll hurt no matter what. I want to keep them from pain as much as I can. They are my family. I need to protect my family. I'm the eldest and there's nothing else I can do.

Nick left notes. Do you think he actually wanted to die or do you think he'll be a little bit relieved when he wakes?