It's Not Cool | Jonas Brothers

Chapter 69

The story is not dead yet! Yay!

I've reached over 70k reads!!! That's insane!!! Thank you so much for your support!!!

I wrote a chapter for this and I hated it. I rewrote the whole thing and I like this one better. I hope it was worth the wait...

Kevin's P.O.V.
So here we are in the park with five suicide notes. One for mom and dad, one for Joe, on for Pippa, one for Frankie and one for me.

There weren't more notes. Not for the rest of the family, not that I care about this, and not a message for the fans. That's weird, even for Nick.

I took the envelopes and spread them out in front of him. The note for mom and dad on the bottom, moving up to Frankie's, to Joe's, to Pippa's and on top is the note for me.

Seeing Pippa's note almost makes me tear up again. She had ran away at the time and Nick had written "(if she ever comes back)" as a side note on her envelope.

I read my note back in the chapel at the hospital and to be honest, I've memorized every word, every comma, every point he wrote. It's printed in my head. A picture that's never going to blur.

The handwriting in the note is as messy as his song writing used to be. Sloppy and all over the place. His songwriting used to barely make sense to me. For as far as I know, he hasn't written a song ever since he tried.

Besides looking sloppy and all over the place, it looked hasty. He didn't use correct grammar. It read like he wrote it just to get it over with and not to leave us without any message.

Despite all of that, I could read every sentence. Not that it made great sense to me, because I don't understand.

I understood a few things. For example, what his plans were. I figured out as much when Joe handed me the notes.

There will always be things about this that I will never understand. How a person could do something like this to themselves.

He could have died, which is kind of obvious. If he hadn't died, like he has now, he could have had ended up with other health problems. I'm not sure what he could haven ended up with, the possibilities are limitless. There's so much we don't know about brain damage to take something as an example.

So many complications could have happened to him that I don't even want to think about right now.

I look at Nick who seems to be in a trance looking down at the notes in front of him on the table.

He finally reached out to my note.

He takes the note from the envelope and carefully unfolds it as if it is a piece of art.

The note felt like a piece of art to me when I read it. If he had passed away, it might have been the last thing that he'd given me. I am attached to that letter, even if it is for the wrong reasons.

I watched his eyes skim the top of the note. "Kevin," is all it said. He probably had no idea what he was doing at the time. He probably had no idea what to say. I don't even know in what order he wrote the notes.

Did he write mine first? Or last? Or somewhere in between? It's all guesswork.

These are some of the questions running through my head ever since I read my note.

I don't think Nick can answer these questions for me. He had too much insulin in his blood. He must have been really out of it. He was too low to function. Somewhere I'm surprised at how he still managed to do all this.

It's not easy for him to function when he's dealing with a low. Let alone he wrote these notes and made sure to pass out from the overdose when he finished them.

His letter explained that he was struggling with his Diabetes. He felt that it was never going to get better. He had to be busy with it 24/7 if he wanted to manage it and even then it wasn't enough.

He explained how he felt sick. His levels going up and down took a toll on him. He'd get dizzy, nauseous, tired, angry, irritated, upset, depressed, scared and more.

He used to be a normal kid until he got this disease. Ever since he got the diagnoses, he'd been cautious with everything. He listened to my parents, he took care of himself, and it was enough. At least at the time. He grew up really fast, because he took his responsibilities with Diabetes very serious. He always knew what to do and always knew what his levels were doing.

He slowly slipped away from us and I will never forgive myself for letting that happen. It happened right under our noses and I blame myself the most. I should have seen it happen.

I got shaken awake from my thoughts when Nick folds the note quietly to put it back in the envelope.

He looks numb. I can't read him. He never really lets us read him. That's how he's always been.

I see his mouth form words, but he shuts it every time before he actually speaks.

"I don't know what to think or say right now." He finally settles with.

"That's okay. You don't have to know right away. You can take your time." He nods in response.

"Thank you."

"What for?" I ask him. "For being here. For doing this for me. I can't imagine what you might be thinking right now." He explains with a painful smile.

I try to return the smile, but it hurts to do so. "You don't have to thank me."

"Are you sure you want to read more notes?" I ask him gently. He nods.

"I don't want to read them right now. Can I have them?" He asks me.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Nick." I answer. "Why?"

"I don't want you to be alone when you read them. I don't know what they're going to do with you once you read them all. I don't want to overwhelm you, but I don't want you to go through this alone like you did when you..." I cut myself off.

"You're not alone." I finish after I couldn't say what I was going to say.

I hope you liked it :)
I'll upload when I can!