It's Not Cool | Jonas Brothers

Chapter 78

It feels like a rushed chapter for me. But I hope you like it. Let me know if you do :)

Nick's P.O.V.
The morning on January first, I was really hungover. I woke up late in the afternoon by my mom knocking on my bedroom door. I already know today is going to be a really good day. Not.

I get up, knowing mom is going to threaten to disown me if I don't get up. I'm sure she'll send up one of my brothers with a bucket of icy water if I don't get up. Knowing how much my brothers like to pull pranks like that, she'll sure do it.

Kevin and Danielle stayed the night. We had made plans to spend New Years Eve with our family and invited Danielle and Kevin. Our parents didn't feel like sending them home, so they made plans for the two to stay the night.

It's the last thing I want to bother Kevin with right now, but I need to know.

I want to ask Kevin to hand over the suicide notes I wrote. I don't want him to have them.

I want to read them in the hope I'll understand. Once I understand, I want to burn them.

To close that part of our life and to leave it behind us. I don't even know if everyone knows I wrote them a letter. Joe and Kevin know for sure, but the others I'm not so sure off.

The alcohol I consumed all night sure took it's toll on my sugar levels. I was low when I went to bed, but I turned out to be really high when I woke up. I'm going to be a lovely today.

I administered some insuline, using the pump connected to my lower back. Also known as the external pancreas. I quickly run a comb through my curls and pull some clean socks from a drawer on the other side of my bedroom.

Despite the high, I need to eat, so I make my way into the kitchen where mom and dad are at the table with a cup of tea.

"Good afternoon, Nick. Sleep well?" Mom greets me nicely. I hum in response.

"I saved you some from this morning." Mom points towards a plate with foil over it. Pancakes.

I thank her for saving me some and sit down at the table with them to eat them.

"Have you seen Kevin?" I ask them. They both shrug. "He didn't go home yet, otherwise he would have said so already." Mom thinks aloud.

"Alright, thanks!" I quickly eat the two pancakes, put the dish in the dishwasher and go back to my room to change into some clothes. I was in sweats and a sweatshirt. It's January first. It's cold.

We've been dealing with a heavy snow blizzard. It's great to create snowballs and hit Joe and Frankie with them.

When we were little kids, we used to play out in the snow all the time. With snow around, we didn't have to clean our rooms a lot, because we were barely there.

I chuckled lightly when I remember we once buried Pippa underneath the snow when we chased her around and she fell.

She cried, her fingers were frozen and our parents were really angry with us for letting that happen. I think Kevin felt really guilty for letting it happen like he feels guilty every time something bad happens to us or if we're hurting.

I got changed into some normal clothes and went to Kevin's old room where they were spending the night. I lightly knocked on the door and Kevin yelled for me to answer.

They were walking around, grabbing their stuff, probably on their way to go home.

"Can I help you?" He asked after realizing I stood there a while without saying anything.

"Can we talk? Like privately?" I asked him quietly. Worry flickers through his eyes.

"Yaeh, of course." He responds lightly. He walks over, lays his hand on my back and steers me out of the room and into mine. He closes the door behing us for some privacy.

I take a second to gather my thoughts and to find the bravery to ask him.

"What's going on?" He looks worried.

"It's nothing bad." I cross my arms in front of my chest. "I want to read the rest of the notes. And before you start... I'm ready Kev. I want to read them, I want to understand them and I want to burn them once I've read through them." I explain.

He doesn't look at me, he doesn't say a thing.

"I need it Kevin. I need those letters. I want to put it behind me. I don't want that anymore. I want to do better. I really do." I try.

He stays still a little while longer, then he nods.

"Alright. I understand. As before, I don't want you to read them while you're alone. I can't give you the letter you wrote me, though." He says. "Why?" I ask him confused. Because I am confused.

Why won't he give me the letter I wrote him?

"Because it explains the time where I failed you. I have to keep it to remind me of the times you needed me, when I wasn't there for you." Tears roll down his face as he explains one of the hardest things he had to go through in his life. Almost losing a little brother. Just like that. Suicide.

It's not easy. It's never been easy and it's never going to be easy.

Someone being capable of putting their own life to an end. No one knows what comes after, but some people believe in things other people don't believe in.

To know you'll never see your loved ones again. Knowing you'll never see the sunlight enter your room in the mornings to announce a new day. Everything goes by. Everything goes away.

At the time I believed I was ready, but now I know I'm not. I'm going to be an uncle. I've yet got to experience love with someone I wish to spend the rest of my life with. To go to bed at night with that person, not really wanting to wait so long before we can wake up in the same bed.

To be with family when we want them around. To spend Christmas and New Years Eve with them. Celebrating birthdays and marriages. But mostly supporting each other through their pain and celebrating with them when they've got something to celebrate.

"Alright. I've got them at my house. I'll get you the letters. But you're not going to burn them on your own. I want to be there. I'm sure Joe wants to be there as well." Kevin says.

"I'm sure everyone wants to be there. I want to start fresh Kevin. I want this year to be better. I want to be a better me. I feel like a child, still living at my parents house. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but I'm a grown man. I want to do this. I'm ready."

"I know. If you are ready than so am I." He smiles as he takes my hand, squeezing it tightly.

He then puts his arms around me and holds onto me tightly. A couple of months ago I never would have guessed we would be here right now, but I couldn't be more happy that we are.

Both of us red eyes from crying. Both sad and happy tears. We've been through so much that sometimes all we need is a good cry, a good talk and a hug to know that we are all there.