It's Not Cool | Jonas Brothers

Chapter 68

Sorry for the wait.. I'm trying everything I can to upload as soon as I can.

I'm long not ready to give this up yet, so with time, I will keep uploading this!

Nick's P.O.V.
I searched through my room and through Joe's room. I must have left them somewhere, right? I didn't make them up, right?

I remember I wrote suicide notes, but I can't remember where I left them. Did I leave them on me? Or did I leave them in my room? I don't remember.

It's all a blur, if there's even anything left of the memory.

I can't figure out what's real and what's not. I heard everyone's story, but I can't remember mine. I was far too gone to remember anything vividly. Not that that wasn't the point, because that was exactly what I wanted.

But I failed. And now everyone has got a memory and an opinion on the matter.

I want to know how I felt in the moment. Those letters are the only things I have left of it. Not that I have them, because I don't.

I don't know who has them. I hope it's not Pippa who found them. That's all I'm hoping for.

What if the one who found the letters burned them or buried them for no one to ever find?

I need to know. I want to read them. Even if it the last thing that I do.

"Nick? Where are you? Lunch is ready!" Kevin called from downstairs. I hear him stomping up the stairs and not much later he appears in Joe's doorway.

"What are you doing?" He asks me confusedly looking at me on my knees in front of Joe's bookcase.

"I want to read them." I tell him. "Read what?" He's still confused. I turn to look at him and it appears to be enough. His frown turns upside down. "Oh. That." He enters the room and closes the door behind him.

"Why?" He continued.

"Because everyone has told me how they felt when I did what I did. Now I don't know what I felt, and I want to know what I felt. My truth." I explain.

He kneels next to me. "I don't remember why I did what I did, and I want to know." Kevin sags his shoulders.

"I've got them." He whispers.

"You do? I thought Joe must have had them." I tell him.

Kevin nods. "He had them, but he didn't know what to do with them. He gave them to me when we were at the hospital."

"Did everyone read them?" Kevin shakes his head. "No. I have only read mine. I didn't know if I should have let them read it. At the time we were all unsure whether you were going to make it and I didn't know if I wanted them to read their notes."

"So you only ready yours?" I ask him. He nods sadly.

"I did. That's why I didn't let the others read theirs." He explains.

"Can I have them? I need to read them." He looks unsure. "I don't know Nick. I don't know if it's right to let you read them. I need to think about it. It's not nothing that you wrote." I keep looking at him.

He finally sighs. "Give me some time to think. But if you read them, I want to be there with you okay. So that I can help you and answer questions if you have them. I want to know that you're okay."

"Sounds fair." I agree, knowing he's only looking out for me.

Kevin pulls me up from Joe's bedroom floor and takes me down for lunch. I don't feel like eating, but I also don't want to have them think that I do it on purpose or anything.

Sounds mean, but Pippa is the one with eating problems in this family. I'm the one with Diabetes problems and to be honest, it's kept itself quiet these last couple of weeks, but it's starting to act up again and I don't know how long it is going to take for me to break again.

I'm literally waiting for it to spiral down again. I'm trying to keep up with it, but it's getting harder by the day.

Which is partly why I want to know what I felt, how I felt when I was willing to take my own life when I couldn't handle it last time.

It's not been longer than a few weeks, but it's all a blur. Those weeks, they are a slur to me. I pulled through them, but I don't know how.

It's not like I tried to pull through. I gave up the second I could. Not that I succeeded, but that's a different story.

Kevin took me out to the car after lunch and made me take passenger seat. He got into the driver's seat and drove off. Just the two of us. What's he planning on?

I decided to ask him, but he shushed me. It's quiet in the car as Kevin focuses on the road. It's making me quite uncomfortable. There's not even music playing to distract me. Like I've been abducted by a lunatic.

He parks his car in front of his home and orders me to stay put. He walks into his house and returns about ten minutes later. He once again fires up the engine and starts driving again.

"Where are we going?" But there's no response from Kevin.

"Talk to me, Kevin. You're scaring me." I beg him.

"You want to read them, don't you." He hisses without looking at me. It didn't even sound like a question. But what is he talking about? My suicide notes? Did he get them for me?

He parked the car somewhere unfamiliar. I have no idea where we are at.

I took my mind off of things as Kevin went to order us some drinks. He walked me out of the shop towards one of the picnic tables spread over a wide field. It's beautiful out here.

"One thing before you read them, though." Kevin looks intently at me.

"What is it?" I shrug, wanting to get on with this.

"Don't make me regret doing this later on."

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think and if there's anything you'd like to see, please comment or dm me so that I can make this the story the best as I can!