It's Not Cool | Jonas Brothers

Chapter 64

Kevin's P.O.V.
While holding Nick in my arms, I text Joe to come to Nick's room.

He enters but stops in his tracks as soon as he sees us. The smile fades from face.

"It's okay." I mouth to him. He nods and takes over from me as I requested in the text. Nick easily moves over to Joe, not really caring who's holding him right now.

I don't know where Pippa is, but I'll look around for her. I ask mom and dad if they've seen her, but no one has. Frankie hasn't seen her either.

That is until I catch a glimpse of her form in the backyard. She's sitting on one of the lounge chairs with her legs folded underneath her.

She's busy doing something on her phone.

I quietly walk over and sit behind her. I rest my hand on her shoulder to grab her attention. She's scrolling away on her phone. Looks like Instagram to me.

"I didn't know what I was doing, you know? I just wanted to get some sleep. I didn't know how many I had already shaken out of the bottle onto my hand." She held up her hand slightly cupped to illustrate her story. "I didn't see it. I was crazy. I am crazy. I didn't care it was only three in the afternoon. All I wanted was some sleep. I was so, so tired." She explained.

"Who else knows about this?" I ask her. She turns around. A look of shock on her face.

"You didn't know?" She asks me. "I did. Nick told me."

"So Frankie told Nick." She filled in the rest for me.

I nod to verify. "Things have been crazy lately. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. This has been going on for a long time."

"Is there anything you need? Like, can we get you help. You don't have to fix everything by yourself. We're not a family to do everything by ourselves, you know."

She shakes her head. "I don't know what I need. I don't even know what I want right now."

"But that's okay. It's all different for everyone. There have been times where I thought we were going to lose you. Do you remember much from the hallucinations you had when you were a little kid?"

She nods her head. "I do. I remember every single one of them as if they all happened yesterday. I thought it was real. And when I would go to bed at nights, I'd sometimes relive the hallucination in my dreams. That's when I used to go to Joe. To have him distract me from them." I nod my head, remembering those nights.

I put my arm around her shoulder to enjoy each others company. I can sense she enjoys the quiet. She doesn't need to speak, but she's also not alone. I know she likes that.

She leans into my touch and rests her head on my shoulder.

"I wish there was a pause button on life. If I knew how to do that, I would use that life-hack everyday." She suddenly speaks.

"That sure would be great. But at some point you've got to hit the play button again." I tell her.

"That's true." She sighs.

"It will be okay."

"I'm going to hit the next person who tells me that." I laugh softly. "I can imagine."

"Kids! Lunch!" Mom yells from inside.

"Let's go get some food." I help her up and we both walk inside, but not before I crack a stupid joke to get her to laugh.

We enter the house and she takes her usual seat at the table. I catch sight of my beautiful, pregnant wife. I give her a kiss on the lips and lead her to the table.

Nick, Frankie and Joe already seated. It's awkward. I wonder of Nick has already told Joe.

At some point during lunch, Pippa shoves her plate away from her and puts her face in her hands.

Everyone stops eating and watches her with surprise. Nick turns to look at me questioningly, but I give him a shrug in response. We both turn to look at Pippa.

She's sitting there, doing nothing.

"Pippa?" Mom tries. "Everything alright, honey?"

"Stop asking me that! It's getting quite annoying!" She slams her hands down on the table, taking us all by surprise again and making both Nick and Joe flinch. Each seated next to her.

"But Pippa?" Mom tries again. Pippa cut her off.

"I'm tired of people asking me that. I'm tired of people telling me it will be okay, because it won't. It will never be okay. It never would have been okay as soon as the hallucinations started. It will never be okay, because I will never be okay. Look at the mess we're in. The mess I'm in. I can't do this anymore. I didn't try to kill myself. I never intended to do that. I just wanted to get some sleep. Without interruptions. I got so... obsessed with the idea of normal sleep that I got caught up in the moment. Frankie assumed that I wanted to go and kill myself off, when that's not what I wanted to do." Mid speech she stood up and put all of her emotions into it.

It's the first time she spoke about how she really feels. Nine out of ten times I feel like she's either lying to us, hiding more from us or simply not telling us anything at all.

I never knew these hallucinations impacted her the way they did. I hoped she wouldn't remember them after she got out of them, but they did. I assumed her nightmares were less harmful than they were. I guess I was wrong. I had been wrong all along.

I assumed things that weren't right. Was I bothered enough to ask her if I were right? Never had I ever thought of asking her. I have a lot of regrets. I never knew anything. Do I even know my little sister? I thought I did, but I guess that even that is not true.

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