I Know Who I Am Now

The struggle.

Kylo finally returned to his private quarters much later than he would have liked. He had called a meeting with Hux and the rest of the officers. They had discussed strategies and appointed a new trooper to take over phasmas role. And now as the door hissed shut behind him Kylo leant against it, pulling off his helmet and inhaling shakily. He was so very tired.

Kylo undid his belt, dropping it onto the bed, followed by his tunic and then he sat down heavily, dropping his head into his hands. He was so tired. He closed his eyes, running a gloved hand across his forehead. Where was she? The question popped into his tired mind and he tried to push it away. It didn't matter, she had refused him, it didn't matter, all that mattered now was destroying her and wiping out the resistance. And yet the thought stayed floating in the air like a cloud. Where was she?

Kylo groaned and stood up, pacing the room feverishly, his hands in fists at his side. He had allowed himself to get too close to her, to form some sort of bond. He had dreamed about her many times before he had seen her in the forest on Takodana all that time ago. Just a dream about a girl over and over. A girl who he would save and in turn would save him. And then he had looked into her mind and seen that she was almost exactly like him, lonely and afraid and he had felt something that he hadn't for so long, compassion. Kylos hands went up to his face as he paced and he clawed at his skin, so much had happened since then. Kylos mind went to when he had touched Rey's hand. He remembered feeling his heart thumping wildly at the thought of contact. And he had felt a rush go through him as he felt her soft fingers on his. A rush like he had never felt before. Kylo stopped pacing and closed his eyes, thinking of how he had felt in that moment. It had awakened a deep, male need and longing within him, something that he hadn't craved until her. He hadn't been able to get rid of that feeling either, a desperate need to be with her. And then the vision, he had seen her standing in front of him, her weapon held up, pointed not at him but at a foe that she was protecting him from. "Arggh!" Kylo screamed, his hands tugging at his hair. A noise somewhere behind him and he spun, his eyes searching the gloomy corners of the room. A whisper. Kylo stood still, breathing heavily. It was coming from the darkest corner of all, the corner where Vader's mask sat.